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Once

Once there was a girl:
angel, she was angel;
holding dewy pearls:
fragile, they were fragile.

Once there were sunbeams,
drying and drying;
Once there was a breeze,
flying and flying.
Once there were blooms,
kissing and kissing;
Once there were trees,
blessing and blessing.

Fragile dewy pearls,
fading in the end.
Once there was a girl
with fragrance in her hand.

Author notes

I'm looking forward to your constructive comments and suggestions.
Thank you very much!
And happy birthday!

A contest entry

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Comments


  • Diminished Capacity gold member
    July 14

    Edit | Reply
    This was a beautiful poem, although not quite what I was looking for, I enjoyed every bit of it. Thank you for sharing such a wonderful piece.


  • My Last Breath.x
    May 11
    Edit | Reply
    Feel free to re-enter, but I am DQing you.

    Please read the rules next time.


  • Wolf Run0
    February 2

    Edit | Reply

    Wow!

    I really liked this. Really. ...Really.
    The only criticism I can make on your piece is this, and it's not even real criticism; In the second stanza, your repetition of adverbs could be a bit different. Honestly, this is just my preference- the poem is astounding as-is. but maybe if it went "dried and drying" or "kissed and kissing" or "blessed and blessing." ...Unless you meant that those objects were continually in the process of those actions, in which case- ...You know what? Your poem is wonderful as it is. You don't need to change a thing.
    My favorite part is the ending; the way I like it. "Once there was a girl / with fragrance in her hand." Oh Em Gee. It's just...really strong and the whole piece is so full of imagery and you RHYMED and it was loose but it still fit and I'm going to stop and breathe now *GASP*!
    Wonderful. I'd wish you luck but you don't need it- Thank you for this amazing entry into my contest! God Bless!
    -Vivian


    • treelhs
      February 3
      Edit | Reply

      Thank you!

      I'm terribly happy to learn that you like my poem a great deal.
      It is the highest compliment I have ever received. Thank you very much!
      And I think your criticism is thoughtful, which gives me another vivid scenery. I feel very lucky to receive your constructive comment! Thanks!!!