I severed my heart
and put her away under keeps.
the consistent-inconsistent
thumping she gives off lately
is a sound that my body is
tired of answering to.
she flutters around her caged home
with butterfly wings; makes her own
music, and emulates the sounds
that love used to make
trapped between bars of
hollow emotions and loss
of words,
yet free to infect me.
Author notes
http://jesar.deviantart.com/art/SeveredFragmentsOfMyBeing-1-56489490
I was in team three with GreenHrtPaleMoon and color me silent.
♥
A contest entry
- UNPLANNED: Round 2 by Never Fall in Love.
400 points, ended February 13, 2009, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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I felt that overall, you may not have done really bad but the theme of picture, hence leading to your poem was, indeed, a bit cliché. I think you could have done something unique if you hadn't stuck to describing the picture but using personalisation to make the image more effective.
I also didn't like that your title and the title of the picture is, basically, the same.
I do think though, that if you improved on this, you could do really good - you just need to take that step.
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I think that the overall concept of this write is a little cliche and I have seen it in a few pieces previously, but there some refreshing phrases in the piece that were still able to portray your powerful, raw emotion. I loved the flow and the feeling of despair in the piece. . .
I would've expanded on this overall concept though, that would've helped in finding spaces where you could put more of a unique spin to it.
Based off what you have though, this is the beginning of something that could be great. Wonderful. Thanks for the entry. -
this is so so so so so so so beautiful
it's actually amazing
♥
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I very much live the ending. Very well written.
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O.o....that left me speechless...
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hope that's a good speechless lol
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