I can't even look at you anymore.
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i.
Half smitten on the spot
short brown hair, you had a look in your eye
similar to that of a beaten dog.
Motherly instincts kicking in,
your first thought should be survival;
instead, as you both fall you wrap her in your arms
and turn yourself closest to the ground-
taking the brunt of the impact so she can fly
for the first time and without fear.
A million mental conversations with you later,
and you laid your head against my stomach
told me you could hear the clouds,
arguing,
digesting the world.
ii.
I don't say a word as I pass by,
taking deep breaths as I smell you so close
you're the only person I don't feel worthy of speaking to,
As if already you're tainted
by my gentle thoughts and soft voice.
iii.
Together, you are the picture of perfection-
a perfection I will be the last to ruin,
even though my rebellious soul bridles
at the thought of following the rules.
And if love exists, you have it in your arms
most likely right at this very second,
and I will burn this city down
watching the sand turn to diamonds in the heat
if ever you let it go
for something as slight as me.
iv.
It's one of those instances where your eyes numb over
and you feel like sleep will make it true;
when only the unreal dreams
that flicker behind your sleeping lids
will bring you peace.
I will always dream of you
passing in and out of view like a ghost
moving on but for your will, which keeps you half here.
And sorting out myself takes all my time,
my thoughts like a labyrinth of emotion and scenery-
layer on top of one another,
bottom unreachable
and I can't believe that at one point
someone could feel a pea beneath these matresses of me.
v.
I can feel your hazelnut eyes sometimes,
sticky on the back of my head,
drilling holes in my neck to align me-
you know I'm the path to ruin
temptation without the sex appeal,
I'm no femme fatale in leather boots.
I wear the world like a mask and wrap myself in memories
like the blanket that keeps me warm.
So replace my stomach gurgles with her bright laughter
for I'm the one who shuts out daylight with unconsiousness
and I'm the one who falls in love with strangers
but looks away when they catch my eye,
and you're the one who puts your fist sized lump on the line
pumping with the emotions that I can't feel-
you're the one who isn't afraid.
and even though envy has me shaking,
I'll just sleep it off
because the truth of it will set me free.
I want you to tell me that I'm the most beautiful capsized boat
that you've ever seen
so I can say to you
"There are people dying inside of me
gravity is taking them and throwing them sideways
and if you come too close, you'll join the masses-
so go back to her arms, soft and warm
the hands of which I want to be the ones
that baptize me
when I am reborn into your first child.
Go back to her arms, and forget me and my eyes
for I will forever be the black mark on the pavement
you left as you pealed out of this place.
I resent her just as much a I love her-
a kindred soul, she recognizes the things the world forgets;
the curve of your wrists, the way you breath out after each sentence
trying to get back the part of yourself you just spoke.
I love her because she will be the hidden jungle cure
that will ease your raging fever
and I will be nothing more
than the existential dreamer
who, instead of making you well
will write poetry on the walls
marking this as the place that you drew your last breath"
Author notes
by thinking.laughable.
Read this poem to the tune of "Colorblind" by Counting Crows. I didn't base this off of the lyrics, but the song I think captures the emotion I put into it.
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published Feb 1st
A contest entry
- Sad, Upset, Hurt, Betrayed? by starving4perfection.
1550 points, ended April 26, 157 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - And I screamed "I love you" but you just walked away... by August Starlight.
775 points, ended February 12, 71 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - come back, come back, my fawn! by cough drop creek.
900 points, ended May 25, 33 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Not So Happily Ever After (Romeo And Juilet) by HereComesTheSun.
950 points, ended February 13, 31 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - To dwell on you... by Li snuffles.
700 points, ended February 16, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Best February Prewrites from These Dates: by Paloszoo.
700 points, ended March 2, 75 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - want me to indulge you? okay, I will. by broken-colours.
1750 points, ended October 13, 149 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think?
Comments
1 - 27 of 27
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This is a beautiful and mature write. A bit long for my taste, but still captivating. You did a great job!! Thanks for entering my contest. Good luck. I'm honored to have you show your wonderful work here.
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This was a wonderful write, a little bit on the long side but it flows nice enough to keep the reader hooked, Goodjob!
~chelsey
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thanks!
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THis was beautiful, really long... but i could easily follow the words and you kept me interested as you penned this beautiful story...!
THank you for entering and good luck
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thank you so much
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the flow in this is amazing, and how clearly I could read it. everything made sense to me as i read.
great job.
good luck. -
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thank you so much!
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that was a beautifully written poem! sure it was kinda long but i really liked it!
"and I will be nothing more
than the existential dreamer
who, instead of making you well
will write poetry on the walls
marking this as the place that you drew your last breath"
amazing! thanks for the briliant entry and the best of luck to you!
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that was a beautifully written poem! sure it was kinda long but i really liked it!
"and I will be nothing more
than the existential dreamer
who, instead of making you well
will write poetry on the walls
marking this as the place that you drew your last breath"
amazing! thanks for the briliant entry and the best of luck to you!
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yawn...what was that like 300 lines?! just kidding. seriusly that was one of the best poems i have ever read. i am going to bookmark this for sure
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thank you!
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i just noticed that peeled is misspelled. was that on purpose?
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oh, no, its supposed to be spelled that way. "pealed" has a different meaning than "peeled"
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This is a great write good job with this one full of emotions great write
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this is just beautiful...
its painful too,
i love these type of poems,
i feel the longing for the person,
and the resentment towards the other girl.
its long, but i like it a lot.
:] gooood job!
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OOOk lets get the bad out befor the good... I got lost in this write 10 times.... man it is long. I had a hard time making myself read it a second time to try and get the parts i missed...... now with that being said. I really like the imagery... this is really well written, and it was very well penned.. If it were my write I would shorten it or.. make a shorter version... You have great emotion and a wonderful right. I wish you all the best in the contest...
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due to the brillance of this i will be tough
Positive: wow this was a masterpiece i loved the words you use eg "Half smitten on the spot
short brown hair, you had a look in your eye
similar to that of a beaten dog"
""There are people dying inside of me
gravity is taking them and throwing them sideways
and if you come too close, you'll join the masses"
the sarcasm that was expressed was really well and each example you gave was dead on. your witty lines kept me and other readers reading to the end well done.
Negative: i really have nothing
please continue to write this was outstanding
thank you so much for entering
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thank you so much for reading and adding a comment!<3
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"a million mental conversations with you later
and you laid your head against my stomach
told me you could hear the clouds,
arguing,
digesting the world"
"and if love exists, you have it in your arms
most likely right at this very second
and I will burn this city down
watching the sand turn to diamonds in the heat
if ever you let it go
for something as slight as me
"
"so replace my stomach gurgles with her bright laughter
for I'm the one who shuts out daylight with unconsiousness
and I'm the one who falls in love with strangers
but looks away when they catch my eye"
"a kindred soul, she recognizes the things the world forgets
the curve of your wrists, the way you breath out after each sentence"
wow, there are so many parts that I just loved in this. you're doing the right, unselfish thing, although it would be so human not to. so maybe it makes you more than human.
this is wonderful. -
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thank you!
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This is a good write - you have put difficult emotions into words that sing feelings, and flow like thoughts, unashamed and free.
You could tweak, and tighten this up, and if you like I'll IM you with some suggestions - but I really like the feel of this poem, authentic, and a creative and individual look at love, identity and a poet's place in the world. Great work!
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thank you so much for your input.
that would actually be great, i'm always looking for ways to improve my work. you can im me whenever you have free time!
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This is amazing. My favorite parts are "together, you are the picture of perfection
a perfection I will be the last to ruin" and "you're the only person I don't feel worthy of speaking to." I feel the same. Thanks for entering. -
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thank you so much!
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Woah, there was some lines in here that were absolutely perfect.
This may've been my favorite:
"and I can't believe that at one point
someone could feel a pea beneath these matresses of me"
I loveeee that.
You spelt "baptize" wrong, and again I think the background could improve, distracting backgrounds just personally take away from your words, for me.
This was a bit long, but overall I think it was really beautiful.
<3
Good work.
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Thank you for checking it out!
Haha, yeah when I wrote "babtize" I was thinking there was something up there. It didnt seem quit right.
Thank!! -
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Of course. =]
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