i.
Years ago.
I was away, and you called.
I clutched
my neon-blinking, raspberry-stained
phone to my ear as
you asked, begged me
to look at the moon.
(You were lonely,
and it was gleaming
with possibilities.)
And I did.
During the drive
to the beach house,
I drew myself out;
stretching and reaching against
the felted ceiling
in order to keep it in my horizon,
balanced with
the hills and the clouds.
(You were right.
The cracks and craters
leaked luminosity,
but my family still teases me
about my stand-up hair.)
ii.
Disillusioned,
barely breathing over someone else,
I begged you to call again.
Past midnight, you did.
Fumbled to my face,
the buttons were short-circuted
by saltwater,
and my eyes were left blurred
around the edges,
as if by an eraser.
You saved me that night.
I thought I'd never
be capable of
anything
again.
(You breathed back;
I was wrong).
iii.
A month ago, maybe two:
like reverse snakes,
we slowly slid back
into our clothes,
watching for caught zippers
and broken shoelaces.
We stumbled,
half drunk on each other,
up your dark-lit stairs.
Out of the door,
you paused,
gasping at the entire world
drenched
snow-blue.
Silent,
I only held to your fingers
(To keep from slipping
at the sight of it)
and realized that
like us,
the world remained
naked
beneath itself.
Author notes
prompt number three for XXLoveStruckAngelXX's contest.
- Theres Something Sexy About the Rain group list • next in list
A contest entry
- pulling our weight. by girl shaman.
1300 points, ended February 10, 15 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - GIVE ME YOUR BEST by Mila7.
600 points, ended March 24, 60 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Memories by Blasphemous Girl.
1800 points, ended April 9, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - "I KNEW I LOVED YOU BEFORE I MET YOU" by rinzurajan.
900 points, ended April 11, 29 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Best Prewrites! by movedon.
1750 points, ended May 8, 363 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything and Everything by XxLoverOfDarknessxX.
1800 points, ended June 9, 47 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - A contest created for someone special! Make me smile like he does :) by Samantha Marie.
1600 points, ended July 3, 44 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Love, Please by Painted Nails.
950 points, ended November 17, 97 entries
• next poem in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest
Any comments are appreciated.
Comments
1 - 23 of 23
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wow!! awesome! amazing! the imagery in this piece was just...it was lovely!! very good word choice as well.
keep up the good work! thanks for entering and good luck in my contest!
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powerful imagery and good choice of words...!!!
good luck
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Powerful imagery. Good piece. Thanks for entering x
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this is fucking good. as one mentioned its perhaps not super clear but thats what makes it really good to me, i get to make it what i wish. oh and fuck that girl beneath me man all her comments are as useful as a pecker on a pope.
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thanks =)
that meant a lot.
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I DON'T LIKE IT. AT ALL. NO. NEVER. NOT IN A BILLION YEARS.
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I love this style of writting, but I seem to be unable to write in it.
great job. -
This is really good...not exactly crystal clear in all its parts, but that is part of the beauty. There were a few lines that really struck me as original and vivid...
"A month ago, maybe two:
like reverse snakes,
we slowly slid back
into our clothes,
watching for caught zippers
and broken shoelaces."
ooohhh.it was good.
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whoops forgot your clappies.
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i wouldn't change this at all. personally it's fill with so much real, and amazing emotions. the only that would make it flow[for contest purposes] is fix the line breaks.
but all in all this is amazing ^_^ good luck in your contest and i hope who ever gets this, appreciates it.
♥
dani -
As it is for valentines day, it is obviously based on real events in your life. Don't change a thing as this will hit straight to the heart of the one you want it to. xx
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please don't change!!
beautiful, and you can tell how personal it is.
also love the 'gleaming with possibilities' -
i enjoyed this just the way it is. i wouldnt change a thing. it is very descriptive and i love the sentimental feeling this poem gives off. it is very real
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Great Poem
I enjoyed this poem very much, it took me back to someplace in time that was very special to me. It is written beautifully and I would not change a thing, I loved it beginning to end.
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i really loved this! i honestly don't think it needs any change. give it as is. i like the line "like us, the world remained naked beneath itself"
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Terrific Read!
Thoroughly enjoyed this piece. Beautiful imagery portrayed within your words. -
great piece
your imagery was fantastic
very descriptive -
I can honestly say that I liked this poem. It was very descriptive, and told a beautiful story.
I think the descriptions of the phone in the first part are overdone some. Neon-blinking makes it sound like the whole phone is glowing.
Starting with "fumbled to my face" in the second part, I'm not quite sure what you're saying there, although that's just me.
I really like the ending.
Hope that helps some.
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loved it! the imagery and the descriptions.
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I meant to give you 3 cheers :/ damn.
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Wow, that was absolutely amazing. I loved every second of it. I was totattly mezmerized by your bouncing thoughts. I loved it!
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this to me was more than gorgeous, although i can't really say what i do believe you wrote this very well. i feel that maybe it was a bit long but maybe it was a needed thing to fit everything, my only suggestion is to somehow down size some things, if not who cares, it's still a beautiful work of art to me thank you for entering!
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Gorgeous. I like the flow and how you show the passage of time
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