Too many faces in this sea,
crowded, moving incessantly.
Masking my terror, I prepare to dive,
the bed of sharp rocks dares my nerve to survive.
Waves of voices washing on shore.
Salty insults make sunburnt skin sore.
I'll hide behind sunglasses and lotion
and try to ignore the sailing boats motion.
Author notes
I've had those first two lines sat in my notebook for nearly a year now. This is the first time I've thought of something that I've actually liked the sound of.
Written February 19th, 2004
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Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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This was a blinding poem, really felt it.
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arr the seaside, too much sand and sea - think i prefer the clouds. i like the name you have chosen.
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mad-malteaser~
Hey! I think that you did it really nicely. It turned out good. Well keep writing. I hope to see more sometime later.
~!~Manda~!~ -
Beautiful! I agree with Hannah re: short poems, long ones usually become boring, while short ones are concise and to the point, which I can surely apply to this one.
It reminds me of a poem I once did in class about a man who was too far out at sea and was drowning, and when he shouted and waved his arms about for help, people thought he was just waving. Quite sad..anyway, back to yours.
My favourite part was from the fifth line onwards, especially the 'waves of voices' part. It's a perfect description of sound from far away.
Anyway, I think this is Very good. By the way, thanks for the comments you post on my poetry, I really appreciate them because they show you actually take the time to read and think =P Keep the good stuff up
xxx
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This is an EXCELLENT poem. I've never been one for long poems, and this is why - what is the point in having an extra long poem if you can have the same impact with a short one?
All the personification and what not throughout the write is excellent and there is a ton of brilliant imagery.
I think this is one of your best writes missus (=
xXx -
I'm pilfering your suggestion, if you don't mind!! Yeah, I was a bit uncomfortable with that line myself, but at a loss what to do with it, so thank you so much for giving me the words!
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glad you used those few lines as this is great enjoyed it
betty -
This definitely isn't bad; I'd like to see it more fleshed out; it deserves more of your wordsmithing.
The strongest line here is the one about the salty insults, I think. I might have liked to see more imagery in regards to the "sea of faces", as I started to see all these blurred, watery faces staring and screaming from underneath the water.
All in all, I liked this, but I'd like to see more words from you on this particular piece. -
I disagree with the previous comments - the first two lines are beautifully written, but so are the rest. I think the bit that maybe isn't quite as good as the rest is the couplet beginning with 'Masking my terror', not from the word choices you used but because the rhythm is slightly thrown off by a slightly too-long syllable count. Maybe something like 'the bed of sharp rocks dares my nerve to survive' would fit the meter better. Other than that, I think this is a really well-written piece. The imagery was wonderful and very evocative. I particularly liked the clever word play on 'waves of voices' and the alliteration in the line 'salty insults make sunburnt skin sore'. I really heard and saw the seaside - I think that's the measure of a good poem.
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I've gotta agree with silica on this one. Your first two lines lured me in - they are enticing. Not that the rest were bad ... just that they didn't hold enough weight to carry the weight of those two initial gems. They are exquisite!
Jane
(and Kimba is an adorable cutie for sure!)
Edited on Feb 19, 4:07 because ''. -
It’s okay, but those two lines are excellent and I think in all honest deserve better. I know what you mean I have a whole slew of really nice lines without a follow on… so far – lol I do find them helpful if I a bit stuck for ideas, so I think it’s well worth keeping them around.
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