after “Anna Begins” by Counting Crows
She calls him her friend still, although clearly
it is much more serious than that.
But they are nonchalant about the situation.
They are not concerned with status.
Music pounds the keys in her head.
The melody is choppy, unsure
above her nervous heartbeat.
Lines are spoken or sung sporadically
She told him to take as long as he needed,
and she meant it because she thought she’d need at least that long.
He said he liked her intensely
and maybe
maybe one day he would be ready,
but it wasn’t then.
Because there are consequences when you say it’s love.
consequences
consequences
They are fragile, vulnerable, and anyway,
she said she wouldn’t fall.
She’ll jump, maybe,
but falling seems so accidental, so involuntary, you know?
When you hear someone took a fall
it’s likely they broke an arm or sprained an ankle,
and she doesn’t want that.
She wants to remain aware.
To make that a conscious choice,
so she thought, “maybe I’ll jump”
because jumping into a pile of leaves is fun
and so is jumping off at the bottom of the escalator.
Late that night he said the thought he might’ve walked already
instead of jumping or falling.
and maybe she was there when he did it.
Maybe they already went over the edge together
I don’t know....
but when he touches her, she quakes and shivers
and he touches, and he touches in his sleep
and when he walks by.
The melody in her head becomes suddenly lucid.
It is higher, sweeter.
The piano tingles like a spine when he talks
“then kindness falls like rain.”
It washes them away together, his and hers.
They are new to this,
this receiving kindness, and so they bathe in it.
But, no! bang notes into the piano again;
retreat from the melody.
Don’t fall, don’t jump, it’s not time,
not time yet. She’s still afraid.
Then rain pours over them
and the melody wants to be played, will be played
high and sweet.
They bathe in it together.
It rains, it washes away,
it breaks their levies and besides...
Besides, I think they’ve already walked
and, “oh well” she says, “it doesn’t matter.”
It doesn’t matter if they are ready for this,
because it is ready for them.
Author notes
Based on the song "Anna Begins" by Counting Crows
for NT, the most wonderful man in the whole world!!!
btw, good news: he agrees, it is ready for us!
A contest entry
- Take a Song and Think It Out. by Angel With No Halo.
700 points, ended February 2, 7 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Critical Reviews Appreciated
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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yes... i am with tara on the conversation over coffee
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"It doesn’t matter if they are ready for this,
because it is ready for them."
smooth to read...i love your voice & tone, and thoughts, and ending...damn, what a great idea here...a beautiful poem, i love it, and i love how it just sorts of 'takes' them naturally
i love the way this felt like a conversation with you over coffee, my favorite style of poetry
[one typo - L9 the to she?]
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You are right about the typo! Thanks, Tara!
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Wow! This poem Washed me away..
It started off really rocky, so a few revisions to a few sentences might be good, but otherwise, this is excellent. I love the way it flowed once it finally got going.
Here are a few things you could change:
First off, try and get rid of some of the "and"s and "but"s
They mess up the flow.. in fact.. your best flow was in these areas where those 2 words were scarce;
Don’t fall, don’t jump, it’s not time,
not time yet. She’s still afraid.
The piano tingles like a spine when he talks
“then kindness falls like rain.”
It washes them away together, his and hers.
They are new to this,
this receiving kindness, and so they bathe in it.
Those are good, see the word and (last sentence), it can be completely removed from the sentence and it would still be exactly the same....
another examply where "and" can be removed is here:
Then rain pours over them
and the melody wants to be played, will be played
Remove the word and.. so it would read...
Then rain pours over them
the melody wants to be played, will be played.
A good way to put words together without using and, is the word, "for" for instance..
"for he could not see his own hand before him,"
One more suggestion:
the first stanzas flow is a bit off..here is maybe a better way to put it?
Here it is the way you have it:
She calls him her friend still, although clearly
it is much more serious than that.
But they are nonchalant about the situation.
They are not concerned with status.
and a revised version (though in no way do I expect you to change it to this)
She calls him her friend still,
though clearly it is more serious than it seems.
they are nonchalant about the situation.
unconcerned with status.
Your concepts, and words are wonderful, just sometimes those buts and ands can get kind of overbearing. try writing one poem without even using 1 of those.. it is a challenge, but I guarantee that when you do, you will not want to write using them ever again! LOL..
Once you do that, then try not writing with the word "the" that is hard! hehe.
Either way.. I still think this is a wonderful poem, and with a few revisions could be perfection!
Please do not be discouraged by all the edits I showed you.. you just have a good sized poem.. lol..and most of it is just suggestions and a little help since you said you would be revising.
This happens to be one of my favorite songs by the Counting Crows. A very nice choice indeed, and it really took your muse to a great height! I really enjoyed this poem. Very refreshing to read something that I can fully feel in my heart. Great work! Thank you so much for entering!
~Krys~
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Thanks for your comments and criticisms. The ands and buts are a problem for me, too. One of the issues, though is that the narrator of this poem has a casual and nervous voice. I'm trying to figure out a way to keep that feel and get rid of those pesky extra words. Some can definitely just go away. Perhaps the answer is to keep them in the spoken version and revise this so that I have a more refined printed version? Your comments are helpful nonetheless. This poem needs a bit of work, indeed. Thanks.
~Destiny
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