There are places in my vision
where the clouds are black as death,
There are memories so faded
they are lost upon the wind,
There are fears I don’t dare whisper,
There are floors I will not tread,
And the echoed caw of ravens
can suffuse my mind with dread
When the fading rays of sunset
paint the sky a fearsome shade,
When the train-tracks rattle harshly
'til my teeth vibrate in kind,
When the stars are blocked by shadows,
When the moon has lost its light,
There are footsteps through these hallways
of the ghosts who haunt this night
And in every broken flagstone
that would trip me if I fled,
In every whispered draught
that launches shivers down my spine,
In every gaping window-pane,
In every empty room,
Lies a heavy pall of history
like an ancient marble tomb
There are memories this nation
has been happy to forget;
There are tales of screams and sermons
and the drifting grey of ash,
There are bodies left in stairwells,
There are bones we’ve never found,
And we know the fear that rises
with the baying of the hounds
Author notes
Tower of London (ghosts, bones, flagstones, tombs, screams - and, of course, ravens. re: the title ~ it's said that when the last raven of the tower dies, then so falls Britannia). I particularly wanted the title to be to do with the Two Princes, young brothers under the protection of Richard III who had some claim to the throne - they are the 'bones we've never found', at least not conclusively. But that angle was getting rather - esoteric, shall we say. ^.^'
A contest entry
- AP X Factor: Round Five [Top 9] by sideways hourglass.
600 points, ended February 2, 8 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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90
Originality 9
Creativity/Poetic device 8
Line-breaks/emphasis/flow/structure 10
balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas 10
Cohesion 10
Emotion/personality/edge 9
Impact/Reaction 8
mechanics: 5
rules followed: 5
diction/verbiage: 4
syntax: 4
Title: 4
overall opinion: 4
Extra credit ~ X Factor: 0
Total possible: 100 -
88
Originality 9/10
Creativity/Poetic device 6/10
Line-breaks/emphasis/flow/structure 10/10
balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas 10/10
Cohesion 10/10
Emotion/personality/edge 9/10
Impact/Reaction 9/10
mechanics: 5/5
rules followed: 5/5
diction/verbiage: 5/5
syntax: 3/5
Title: 3/5
overall opinion: 4/5
Extra credit ~ X Factor: 0/5
Total: 88
Form-wise, I thought this was very good indeed, but I'm inclined to agree with Tyler regarding the repetition at line-starts...you could've done so much more here. I struggled over this one and am somewhat disappointed with your rubric grade...I feel you could've done better & hope that next round sees you fighting again.
Laura
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ooooWOOOOOOOOooooooo
There are tales of screams and sermons
And the drifting grey of ash,
There are bodies left in stairwells,
There are bones we’ve never found,
There remains a fear that rises
With the baying of the hounds
Very creepy, very well done!
Best,
El
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86
Originality 9/10
Creativity/Poetic device 8/10
Line-breaks/emphasis/flow/structure 9/10
balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas 10/10
Cohesion 10/10
Emotion/personality/edge 9/10
Impact/Reaction 8/10
mechanics: 5/5
rules followed: 5/5
diction/verbiage: 3/5
syntax: 3/5
Title: 4/5
overall opinion: 3/5
Extra credit ~ X Factor: 0/5
Total: 86
I thought the content here was great, but the only qualms I had with this was the phrasing. You used the "there" and "when" a lot, and I was hoping for some variety, some new creative ways to convey your message. Besides that, you had some really cool images.
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(besides which, I'm, um, kinda still editing?)
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Oh okay, I'll just come back to it later then.
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It's mostly just little niggles, the format isn't going to change - wording, trimming, debating which line should have 'like' and which 'lies' at the end of v. 3...
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Hey, I gave it another look. Honestly, it seems the same. lol
But hey, it's still really good.
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lol, d'you want me to try'n find the edits? 'black as night' went to 'black as death' to lessen the use of night; 'they are lost upon the winds' was something something 'past' before; 'I fear to tread' went to 'I will not tread' (repetition again); 'There are ghosts' went to 'of the ghosts'; 'that would trip me if I fled' used to be something about being off-balance; 'launches shivers' was 'sends shivers' or something, added a syllable for the rhythm; 'gaping window-pane' used to be 'silent window' ~ too much silence, and the extra syllable improves rhythm, again; I swapped 'Lies' and 'like' around in the last two lines of v3; 'There remains a fear' went to 'And we know the fear'; also, all the off-lines were de-capitalised.
As I said, niggles. I doubt they'll change your score now, 'cause you've got an impression of the poem already, but I think this version reads better than the old. -
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Okay, I see the differences.
Next time I'll just judge your poem when you're ready.
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I was trying to fit the form, with those - the hypnotic 'this, and this, and this'. I have issues with most forms, have-to-say ^.^' it doesn't feel like a form without rhythm, and without a set rhythm to fall back on (like iambic pentameter - one of the reasons the only form I write nowadays is the sonnet) I write to patterns in the phrasing, rather than strict rhythm, 'cause my brain gets stressed if I only have a partial pattern to follow. it's the mathematician in me ^.^'
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