My dreams lay shattered on the floor
along with my best china.
I sit with shards of Saturday night,
super glue and Sunday, piecing together
what's left of my world.
A contest entry
- Quickie Saturdays by J.J. Sass.
1000 points, ended February 2, 2009, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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i wonder why we throw dishes on the floor like that we are just going to have to pick up the mess.
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ah, i would have left it until monday to sort it, sunday would have been a day of curled up in between weeping and sleep. a good poem, the madness of us all drags us into corners.
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i like what this says, many can relate. i wish you had said it with a little more depth though (and by depth i certainly don't mean length). just some rewording and more creative phrases would do the trick.
e.g.
dreams shatter like china.
i glue shards of saturday night to sunday.
well, that turns the poem into 2 lines lol. i apologize, not trying to rewrite your piece, but just trying to show the impact of using less words and tightening the imagery.
thanks for entering
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This is a powerful write! Excellent!
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well ok... talk about brevity at its best. this is a fine write and really caught me by surprise. well done
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