Imagine a picture, still. So silent,
Piece by piece, interconnecting
Up close, scrutinized with no space
Lines of time, age and events
From a distance looking upon
A smiling beauty with blue eyes so bright;
Her hands, stretched out taking his
Two souls interconnected joined piece by piece.
Then a piece is gone, with a second blind spot
Hiding the perfect picture, the perfect image
Slowly, piece by piece is plucked away,
Until before two hands, once connected are
Broken. Nothing left but the surface beneath
The beginning of when it all began
Before her worries, her doubts
Before his fears, his dread interfered, became reality
Once so in love. Once happy, free
Now lay upon itself, broken apart, unused
Lost in time in a deep dark corner
Under boxes, under cloth, hiding it away
Yet still their hands connect,
Yet still they live day by day,
Living in the cloud of doubt
Never asking. never knowing a life free
A life free to love and care
Where no doubt intervenes.
But the puzzle is apart
Waiting for a new start
To be put together again.
Author notes
This is a piece I am entering into a contest so would like truthful and honest opinions please....
Theme is doubt...
Does it represent the theme?
Does it makes sense?
what ya think?
Comments
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Hey girl...miss me? Have missed reading your works..and pop in and see why I do so miss them. You have depth and quality in your works that so draw me in and keep me wanting for more....and such is in this piece once again. Little time tonite Dear but will be back for more, rest assured,
Evan
oopsie..best wishes in the contest Hun...
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The life is the only truth which has many faces of itself..and the tearful face is the only face which brings the poetry around it..well said work..
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Faith and Doubt
Doubt is right but faith is also strong in reading this, like they don’t seem to care that they doubt.
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This poem was absolutely beautiful and I loved the meaning of it and how it flowed so well. Another excellent poem from my very talented friend.
God bless you and keep up the excellent work.
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Interesting....it does fit the theme....the lines that stress it to me are...
"Slowly, piece by piece is plucked away,
Until before two hands, once connected are..."
Reminds me of how many relationships are today.....I don't think it needs much work..hope it wins... -
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The title fits this piece perfectly and your imaginary is stunning as well. The emotions in here is strong, and gives the poem life.
This one here you should be proud of, its well written.
Take care
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Thank you x
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This made me have the mental image of two people, only they are puzzle pieces, and can move and connect with each other...
Probably doesn't make any sense, but that's how I saw it.
I really loved this poem. It made perfect sense, and had great imagery. -
this is really beautiful. i totally get it, and i've been in the same situation before.
i love the imagery, and the way the poem kind of drops off at the end, kind of the way the situation does. there's some spelling mistakes i think, but overall, a very good write! -
The image of the two hands still together in the box is startling. The idea of a puzzle with a missing piece also works here - it is discomfiting when you are missing even one piece of a puzzle.
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I love this piece it is truly excellent u did a wonderful job with this
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One so in love. Once happy, free
now lay upon itself, broken apart, unused
lost in time in a deep dark corner
under boxes, under cloth hiding it away
this stanza really spoke to me. there was a time that i felt exactly this way. thank you for sharing this well written piece with me. viyanna rosemarie
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Hope you don't mind a little constructive criticism^^"
First of all, I really like the idea behind this. Good imagery, too. I love the fourth stanza especially; it just sounds so...I can't even think of a word to describe it. It's so neat because anyone who's ever been in such a relationship as you have described (myself included) can identify with the conscience kicking in, so to speak.
I had two things that I didn't like. First of all, there's issues with punctuation. There are several places where there isn't punctuation and so the ideas kind of run together, and it ends up sounding really confusing. I'm going to use your second stanza as an example of this.
"From a distance looking upon
a smiling beauty with blue eyes so bright
her hands, stretched out taking his
Two souls interconnected joined piece by piece."
Now, let's break it down and find the sentences. From the way it's written, I would read it like this: "From a distance [someone is] looking upon a smiling beauty with blue eyes so bright her hands, stretched out taking his two souls interconnected joined piece by piece." That sounds kinda strange, because it sounds like he has two souls. Maybe a revision - something like this?
"From a distance looking upon
a smiling beauty, with blue eyes so bright;
her hands, stretched out, taking his.
Two souls interconnected, joined piece by piece."
This kind of thing can be done in many other places. May not seem like a big deal, but it can make all the difference in getting your message across, because without punctuation to control the flow of thoughts and images, it gets kind of jumbled and may be interpreted differently.
Second, there's several places where things don't makes sense. Most of it is because of redundancy (not sure of my spelling on that...). The most notable of these would have to be in the second stanza as well:
"Two souls interconnected joined piece by piece"
It isn't really necessary to say both interconnected and joined piece by piece at this point. Since there is a repeated use of the piece by piece line, I would just stick with that and take out interconnected, leaving you with this:
"Two souls joined piece by piece"
On the piece by piece subject, I wanted to also ad that I like the way you repeated that phrase. It gives it emphasis and adds to the jigsaw puzzle image.
It's also interesting how you start out with the image of a photograph, because a photograph can mean something different to everyone (especially if they don't really know the details behind the picture). However, I feel like you could have done more with it. Maybe try to come back to that image at the end? It'd be cool if you could tie that image into the title as well, but...
Overall, a good start. With a little bit of revision this poem will be SO amazing...I hope I was helpful and didn't offend you. I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just making a few suggestions. Don't mind me, I'm just a nitpicky soon-to-be English double-major that is...well, nitpicky. If I do offend, I'm terribly sorry...I really DO like this, though. It's definitely got amazing potential.
Keep working on it!
Tina
PS If I did offend you, I truly am sorry, and feel free to just delete this or ignore me...I really wasn't trying to. I feel like I was mean...hopefully not^^"
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Thanks
You have not offended me and thanks so much, I will look over my poem and consider the points you have pointed out..
Thank you soo much for taking the time to read and critic as you have done.
thanks
Katy
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I like the overall theme and message of this work, it's interesting.
Brilliant write, dear. I enjoyed it.
I especially like the 5th stanza, I feel as though I could relate to it.
It makes perfect sense, you have nothing to be concerned about. -
I think you did a great job on this
I read the whole thing and the question after and then read the poem again and as I saw the title and the poem together I found it most fitting indeed .
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I like the idea expressed here of love and life being like a jigsaw puzzle. I think it makes sense. It spoke to me and I think it is a wonderful metaphor.
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Thanks
Thank you.
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