pills

They say that what you do affects everyone around you. I never really believed it until now.It was a typical day. The only untypical thing about it was my mom had just told me that i should've had another brother or sister. She had lost it in birth, i acted like i didn't care, but you could tell i did. I felt responsible like because of me this child died. The image just wouldn't leave and the thought of it was unbearable. So i took them one at a time. I didn't mean to, i really didn't. By 6 th hour i realized i had taken at-least 10 different pills. i felt nauseous and idiotic. After school i was standing there and i saw him. i couldn't tell him,he would hate me forever. i heard him calling my name and i saw walking towards me. As soon as he saw my face his experience changed. i could tell he was worried. i can't get it out of my head. "What's wrong" i heard him ask over and over again, and i just walked away. i went to a courtyard in the school and took another Tylenol. i just wan't the pain to go away, to feel numb. To forget everything and escape the world, "Are you ok" i kept hearing his voice in my head. Why wouldn't it go away. As i turned around a hand was on my shoulder. " Are you ok. Whats going on?Do you want to talk?" he asked. But he didn't ask out loud. He didn't have to i could tell by the look on his face. I will never forget the look in his face. It was hopeful, worried but hopeful. As if i had something to hold on to. " i'll be fine i just took to many pills" i said it like it was nothing. As if it was the samething as drinking water. That's when i regreted it all. At that moment i realized it affected him more than me. His experience changed as soon as i said pills. He looked down at me with disappointment and i felt it. Everything he felt and thought i felt. Every word, every look , everything i felt it as if i where him. Accept i felt it 10 times worse. The look in his eyes. The disappointment, the horror, the thought of me......dieing. I felt all of it. Every single once of it and yet he stood there and held me. He didn't yell at me, or hit me. He stood there and told me everything would be alright. Although we both knew he was lieing. He still said it. AS i stood there and hugged him i felt as if i was going to faint. I felt the pain in my stomach and my head rushed. The whole world was spinning and i couldn't stop it. As i feel he caught me and promised he had me. He wouldn't let me fall. The fact that he did all of that for me caused more pain than the pills. For knowing that your friend sat there and held you in his arms.While you're slowly killing yourself destroys you more then the self inflicted pain. For he's devoting himself to help you when you both know you're going to do it again and again until nothing bad happens destroy him. And the fact that you know your causing this pain and fear in his life and he's still is there for you. Although he knows on morning he when he wakes up. You might not kills him inside. And no matter what he says, you know you wont change. As we stood there looking at each-other i buried my face in his chest. I could no longer  look in his eyes.For as i was killing myself i knew i was also killing him. And that pain is to much for anyone to bare. But the thing that affects me the most is the fact that he never let go.