i.
it takes some silence to know what makes a sound.
I thought you'd saved me from myself,
but really you'd just shown me
that I didn't need to be.
You are perfection in the most tangible way, chemicalized and balanced so that I can't resist you.
Your lips taste of indigo, slithering through my secrets
and rustling through my spine
in attempt to reach what's known as my heart.
...though I don't think frayed destruction and buried toxins count as a 'heart'.
ii.
it takes more than words to make an action.
You are burnt plaster, hiding within me and burying pieces of yourself in the folds of my fingertips;
hoping I won't notice and hoping I'll learn to love you and hoping that someday, I'll breathe my soul into yours; and that you'll no longer have to suffer from insomnia, wondering when I'm going to turn you away.
I am flashes of constellations, decaying violin strings and ashes scattered throughout remnants of souls I never learned to love.
[and never will.]
iii.
it takes some old to make me feel young.
We're sitting on a park bench, I look straight ahead, afraid to meet your gaze. You stare directly at me, hoping I'll return the glance so you can show me how much you love me.
After what seems a decade, you take your hand and interlace mine. You search for my anxiety and pain, because all you want to do is make me whole. It's not hard to find, and you feel compelled to say something in the most melodic frequency you can convince your voice box to comply with.
"I love you for who you are." you whisper in in tones of caramel and legato.
Sweatbeads form within my veins, and my throat contracts with clashing staccato errors. I try not to stutter, for weakness isn't something I can bear to show you exists within me.
"That's not possible.
I've been around myself for fifteen years,
and I have no idea who I am.
...and you can't love what you don't know."
iv.
it takes some lies to know what is truth.
We're sitting on your bed, and you lean in to kiss me.
I turn away and tears quickly fill my eyes.
Pain fills your features as you blink sand, crimson and never-seen stars.
You inhale shards of who you once were, and fail to see that I never really did change.
I am suffocating cerulean; I am breathing in knives and exhaling truth.
"I can't Jesse." I breathe, hoping you didn't hear.
"Wh-what's wrong? What's wrong with me? All I know is that I love you and that I want to be everything you ever needed, I want to fill your senses with love and fill your soul with everything you don't think you deserve. I want to love you until the day I die. Every day I pray that I'll someday be yours, and that you'd find everything you've lost, and I know you come in pieces, but I want to make you whole." you choke.
I'm suffocating on my airways, and I feel like the room is crashing around me and that any moment God will finally give up on me and let me stop breathing.
You start crying, something you never do.
"Angela - I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.."
I cut you off before you get the chance to finish.
"Can't you see? You've never hurt me."
I force truth out, when all I'm used to saying is lies.
"...you never have. I can't love you. I'm made of pain and broken dreams and broken flesh and stems of deception and lies that I've told to you for way too long. I'm made of hollow happenings, and shards of nightshade.
I can't make sense of what I am.
...and I can't keep expecting you to."
you turn away, because you finally understand.
you whisper with tearful eyes; not waiting for a reply as you leave the room, and my life as well.
" It's not that you can't love,
you're just afraid that someone might actually care for you."
[what's claimed to be my heart has never felt so empty.]
Author notes
HELP guys. I really don't like the ending of this. Or any of the rest of it, for that matter.
Help me? D:
Prompt: Philophobia.
fear of falling in love.
All of this is completely factual.
A contest entry
- round one; the circle continues by stargazer..
800 points, ended March 28, 24 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - My Bloody Valentine by xXtired-of-cryingXx.
510 points, ended February 5, 15 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Your thoughts and feelings... by invisible2u.
600 points, ended February 6, 69 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Write it to make me cry... by Blind Sight.
500 points, ended February 14, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Wearing my ♥ on your sleeve by WithinYourEyes.
400 points, ended February 19, 22 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - round one (for everyone) prewrite contest ENTER ENTER ENTER (AND YES THAT MEAN'S YOU too by serenity silvermoon.
927 points, ended February 16, 1509 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What's your constructive criticisms and thoughts on my poem?
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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This contest is for 20 to 40 line poems that have won no trophies. The one you entered doesn’t qualify. If you have a poem that does fit within all the horrible rules, please enter that. Congratulations on that Gold Trophy!
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sorry but my contest is for 10-50 lines and this one is too long.
I'm gonna have to remove it...
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this is EXACTLY what I was looking for! I love it!!!! Good job! I really like the descriptive language you use. My favorite phrase is "suffocating cerulean". Your style is really captivating. Good luck in the contest, and thanks for entering!
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Very, very powerful... It's very good, and perfectly worded. Thanks for entering.
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""I love you for who you are." you whisper in in tones of caramel and legato.
Sweatbeads form within my veins, and my throat contracts with clashing staccato errors." THAT WAS GORGEOUS. Wow. I loved that bit.
Well, I loved the whole thing.
But I'm sorry about what you had to go through to produce it. :/
I'm a little confused by it, though. Maybe I'm just slow?
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What part are you confused about?
I will try to help clear it up. =]
thank you. <3
I'm sorry too.
It sucks to be the way I am.
xD
-is going to read your journal.- -
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well your other poem, "decay", plus the comments that you replied to on it make perfect sense. but this one doesn't.
when are the moments you mentioned from? before you two took a break or after?
and he is a stupidhead for not being able to wait for a girl such as yourself! -
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haha aww thanks. I'd like to think so too, but I'm apt to blaming myself for everything.
the last poem was before we took a break.
it's WHY we took a break.
xD
'decay' was after. yesterday, actually.
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This is so freaking sad. I'm seriously crying. I like the contradictions you used at the beginning of the sections, and as always, the wording you used was incredible. Nothing in this needs to be changed.
I don't know what to say to the factual part. I'm here if you want to chat. *BIG hug*
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first of all i just have to say THIS IS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING!
sorry its just that you have written exactly what ive been strugling with for the last 3 1/2 years since i got my heart smashed... ok now down to buisness..
{you turn away, because you finally understand.
you whisper your final statement, not wanting a reply before you leave the room and leave my life.
" It's not that you can't love me,
you're just afraid that someone might actually care about you."
[what's claimed to be my heart has never felt so empty.]}
this part although well written fells empty, with so much emotion through the other passages there seems to be a lack of it here..may need to be a little more descriptive..otherwise this is great
keep em coming
.pixi.
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I know, I'm trying to fix that...
any suggestions?
thanks though! -
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with
'you whisper your final statement, not wanting a reply before you leave the room and leave my life.'
maybe try..
'you whisper with tearful eyes, not waiting for a reply as you leave this room, and my life as well'
maybe also drop the 'me'
on 'It's not that you can't love, {me}'
and try 'for' instead of 'about'
in ' actually care {about} you."
hope that helped if not just tell me to shuttup...
keep em coming .pixi.
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