Fear and Uncertainty

I know what went wrong,
I know what needs to be done.
Finding the strength to lead myself into the unknown, is what I'm lacking.

I somehow feel indebted, obligated to stay.
I'm loving a life I don't necessarily want.
And yet, I was the one who agreed.
Battling for custody for a child who's not my own,
and living with a man whom lacks the ability to understand,
I feel as thoughI 've lost the best part of me.
The reality of it all is a weight I carry,
I admit I feel trapped.
Afraid to step into unsteady water, I cling lifelessly to bitter-sweet security.
I feel my fear is pathetic, I blame it partially on my anxiety...
Disorders I've been cursed with.
The future seems bleak as I feel the walls are closing in on me.
My once most wanted wish has come true.
...Why with so much baggage?

I love my boyfriend's son as if he were my own, cooking him dinner, fighitng his mother to treat him right, comforting him when he's sick.
But I still feel the pressure when time to myself is limited.

With a child, and a complete 50 something list of regular household chores, planning, finances....
My creativity and imagination has stifled to but random bursts such as this.

Kurb can't understand, though I know he tries. He doesn't know the real me, we moved to fast for that. When we finally have our small talks and arguments, we both just give up. It's all on the table for both of us and we can't seem to ever completely agree on simple and important things. I think we both know it was never meant to be for him and I, but we struggle to ignore the fact and make it work, as if wer'e to far in to quit now. Maybe for some woman out there, Kurb would be great. I know for a fact he would be. But, it sounds so horrible to say that I need more than this. I wish their were a way I could make it sound  less crude and unappreciative. But I'm lonely when he's not here, I'm lonely when he is here.

I've lost sight of my own needs, and in return, lost sight of who I am and what I want.
I've been considering college,
something to keep my mind fresh and in use.
I do crave knowledge, I always secretly have.
But it feels like I cant fit it in with the life I'm now leading.
I need intelligence to keep me steady, to keep me sane...
There's a world out there, tainted by recessiion,
yet bright for the 'just-graduated'.

I'm afraid to move ahead,
yet I'm slowly dieing within as I stay.
I feel guilty and ashamed,
it's my own fault for letting it go as far as it did...

If I leave now, Kurb wont get fully custody,
and the child wont have me to keep him safe.

If I dont leave, I regret the life I live,
yet do it so others are happy and I don't have to risk being alone...



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