reckless abandonment.

1.  My favorite word is androgyny.  That's probably because I'm attracted to men who have this quality.

2.  In high school I was friends with a lot of older people because they thought I was really "mature."  I'm not.  I'm irrational and thoughtless.  Moronic.  Irritating.  And quite childish.

3.  I hate typing in size 12 font, I prefer 11.

4.  It's really annoys me when I'm shy around people.  It's unbearable and makes me feel so useless and helpless it's disgusting.

5.  I can't stand the thought of perfection.  I love flaws.  I love finding them in people because it makes me cherish the good parts about them, and it makes me feel like less of an epic fail.

6.  When I get bored I like to look up quotes by Oscar Levant, he's my hero.  He was an actor and pianist and had this show back in the 50s but it got cancelled because he made this comment about Marilyn Monroe when she converted to Judaism: "Now that Marilyn Monroe is kosher, Arthur Miller can eat her."  He was also in and out of mental hospitals throughout his life.

7.  When I was thirteen I was in a hospital and it doesn't matter why, what does matter is that I was too stupid to work on getting myself better.  Because I just let the opportunity waste away I have to struggle everyday against the three reasons that got me locked up.  It's my biggest regret.

8.  I always have to have a book to read, always.

9.  I used to want to be an actress and sometimes when I watch movies I really adore I get a drive to act and hunger to work on strange projects.  Other times I'd rather just write them.

10.  I enjoy when my chest throbs in that howling, beautifully agonizing way.

11.  Usually if I'm comfortable around you I have no problem being a bitch toward you or abusing you verbally, but that's only because you're worthy of my affections.  I'm an asshole because I love you.

12.  I try not to ache furiously when I think of Chicago.  It's the only time I don't feel shame if I do cry.

13.  I dyed my hair red because I subconsciously wanted to be like a foxy redhead, you know Jessica Rabbit and Kate Winslet [who I have a massive girl crush on] in Titantic.  I also fancy Sally from NBC.  Fuck Lohan though.

14.  I love my boobs.  Whenever I see another girl's boobs I always have to compare and I usually come to the factual conclusion that mine are better.

15.  My nails have been breaking lately because I'm so worried all the time.

16.  I know I'm going to die before I'm thirty.  It's inevitable.  I want to go missing and never be found, I never want to die in my sleep and I want to be alone.  If there's a funeral for me everyone has to wear something purple because it's my favorite color.

17.  The smell of burning leaves is comforting to me.

18.  I think my dog Charlie Bucket, aka King Charles, should be famous.  He's really special.  I call him Chocolate Moose.

19.  I miss all my friends and I wish I could get all those fuckers together in one place and never have to leave.

20.  I'm not the greatest writer but I have something to say and I think the world should be aware of that.

21.  I've been smoking since I was thirteen.  Sometimes I think about quitting but I mostly don't care to.

22.  I really really really want to have a baby.

23.  I've learned that it's easier for me to talk about personal issues and feelings with my guy friends and than with my girls.  I love taking care of my girls and "mothering" them so to speak but when I talk to my boys there is no sap or sugar, just facts and understanding.

24.  I always laugh when people get physically hurt, than I help out, while giggling of course.

25.  I feel over exposed.

26.  My voice gets high pitched and soft when I'm nervous which I hate because I think my voice can be pretty sexy when it's all low and gravelly.

27.  Destruction inspires me.  It's what keeps me moving forward and expanding.

28.  I'd would die for the people I love but I would never live for them.

29.  I like to sit in my shower and think.  I feel like philosophy and wisdom accompanies me when I ball up in the bottom of the tub.

30.  I'm really picky about the kind of spoons I eat with.  We have a couple different kinds in our kitchen and there are only two that I'll use.

31.  I'm really snobbish about the hookah I smoke.  My friend Wes is a King when it comes to preparing it so I've been spoiled when it comes to quality and most hookah bars don't even compare.

32.  I work really hard on trying to dehumanize myself because I realize a lot of good feelings are only memories and I'd rather not care about anything.  Emotion makes me feel petty and stupid.

33.  I like making snippets of conversation with candy hearts.  Magnet words are too easy.

34.  I write on foggy windows, mostly obscene comments.  I know it's really obnoxious but I really enjoy being offensive, I break all limits when it comes to inappropriate touching in public.  Yep, I'm a Libtertine.

35.  For some unexplained reason I was obsessed with England when I was twelve and thirteen and would often talk in a British accent.  I'd like to live there for a little bit but I think New Zealand and Australia would be a wicked place to raise a family, without marriage of course, just kids and the father of my children.

36.  The cello is my favorite instrument.  But saying Didgeridoo is way more fun.

37.  If I could live in Tim Burton's mind I would never desire nor need anything else.

38.  I walked in on people having sex when I was fifteen, I made eye contact with him, it was horrifyingly hilarious.  By the way, I saw her boobs and mine are scientifically better.

39.  I got my nipples pierced when I was fourteen, after having them in for a few months I took them out because they were uneven.  I bet you're thinking: "Asshole, why would you abuse your boobs in such away since you love them so much?"  Well fuck you, I've written a poem about my boobs, they even have names: Emily and Victor.

40.  I'm a nerd, I read graphic novels/comic books, Batman being my all time favorite.  I nearly creamed myself when I got the Joker graphic novel that came out recently.  I'm also a history buff on account my dad.

41.  I LOVE awkward situations, they pretty much define my life.

42.  I have a bone fetish and if I could I would spend the rest of my life touching someone’s spine, shoulder blades, collar bones, ribcage, wrist bones, hip bones, ankle bones, and kissing the corner of their jaw.

43.  I love energy drinks and anything grape flavored.  Also, sour candy is the sex.  I'm not a healthy person at all when it comes to eating food and I'm so sick about hearing about everybody's weight issues shut the fuck up!

44.  I'm apt to make cute sounds.  I yawn like a puppy, sneeze like a mouse, and say "oh no!" in a toddler's voice.

45.  I feel more comfortable wearing layers than less but I love being naked best.

46.  If I make you brownies it's a guarantee that I'll become your favorite person.  And no they aren't "special" but they are special because they're made with love.

47.  I'm convinced that I was born in the wrong time.  Basically every decade before the time I was born is epic, though the 90s were pretty grand, but I think the new millennium sucks, in the future people will look back and laugh at us.

48.  Dirge by Death in Vegas is my theme song because it makes me feel like a crazy SOB badass, but Ceremony by New Order is my favorite song in the entire world, it's lovely.

49.  I think there's something incredibly romantic in being forgotten.  Like at the end of Gangs of New York when he says, "But for those of us what lived and died in them furious days, it was like everything we knew was mildly swept away. And no matter what they did to build this city up again... for the rest of time... it would be like no one even knew we was ever here." and the city grows but the graves fade, it's so barrenly beautiful it makes me cry.

50.  I tell myself, "I see the same moon and stars you do."