30 questions

1.      Have you ever laughed so hard you peed in your pants or had some sort of beverage come out of your nose? If so, tell me about it.
Once I was talking and I didn't look when I grabbed my drink. Instead of putting the straw in my mouth, it went right up my nose. I was surprised and gasped, sucking a huge nosefull of lemonade straight to my sinuses. It hurt like hell, but was so funny that I laughed and blew it right out again.

 
2.      Have you ever done something you said you’d never do? What?
I said I'd never be caught dead wearing what we lovingly refer to as 'butt floss'. Now I can fit a weeks worth of underwear in my purse. Saves a lot of space packing for trips.
 
3.      If you could sleep with any movie star, who would it be and why?
Nicholas Cage, probably. I would have said Mel Gibson, because I've always found him incredibly sexy, but he's turned out to be a bigoted drunk in recent years. Nicholas Cage is pretty hot, and he seems like such a sweet guy, with those big puppy dog eyes.
 
4.      Have you ever been in a fist fight?
Once, when I was eight. I got the crap beat out of me by a ten year old boy. He got his, though. An old neighbor lady saw him hit me, and chased him down the street with a broom, beating him about the head and shoulders with the handle. That was the first time I ever laughed and cried at the same time.
 
5.      Do you have ADD?
hmmmmm....What was that? Sorry, anyway....That's a cool picture, isn't it? I wonder where they got that... You were saying?
 
6.      What was your most serious injury?
Unfortunately, my most serious injury was one that nobody takes seriously. I broke my butt. Ha Ha, I know...hurts like hell though.
 
7.      If you could have any type of pet, what would it be?
One of those tiny little monkeys with the huge eyes. Wouldn't that be cool to have sitting on your shoulder? I would put little clothes on him.
 
8.      Name three thoughts you’re having at this exact moment.
I want a monkey. I wonder if they can wear hats, with those big ears? What are those little guys called anyway?
 
9.      How did you bring in the New Year?
I don't remember, exactly. Must have been fun.
 
10.  If you’re married, would you do it again? If you’re not married, do you want to be?
I would marry my husband again in a heart beat.
 
11.  Do you have a crush on anyone on AP? Does he or she know it?
No.
 
12.  Send me a link to your favorite poem on AP (not written by you).
http://allpoetry.com/poem/4127953
Hope this link works. If not, please check out anything by DeAnges.
 
13.  If you could only take 3 things to a deserted island, what would they be?
Matches, a craftsman multi-tool thingy, and a water purifying pitcher. Not amusing, but I'm a practical kind of girl.
 
14.  What’s the one thing you admire most about yourself?
I'm artistic.
 
15.  What’s your least favorite thing about yourself?
I'm flaky. Hey, I'm an artist, it's expected of us.
 
16.  What do you do for a living? Do you enjoy it?
I'm a housewife, I enjoy it most of the time. My boss is sexy.
 
17.  When was the last time you cried yourself to sleep?
For about a week last April.
 
18.  Regarding the above question, why?
My grandfather died on April 17th.
 
19.  How would your closest friends describe you?
Intelligent, I suppose. They nicknamed me 'The Professor'. Unless they're being sarcastic. Damn, now you've made me all paranoid.
 
20.  What song do you want played at you funeral?
I'm not having a funeral, I want everybody to just get drunk and talk about how awesome I was. Maybe 'ding dong, the witch is dead'. My family has a sick sense of humor like that.
 
21.  What’s the last thing that made you laugh?
My Chihuahua, Poquito. Daddy left an open bag of cashews on the coffee table and he got ahold of them. Unfortunately, they were Wasabi flavored. They're all over the floor now.
 
22.  What were your favorite bed sheets as a child?
My little pony sheets that my Mema bought me. That information never leaves this contest, grrrrrrr.
 
23.  If you could apologize to your Higher Power for something, what would it be?
I guess I'd apologize for not believing in a higher power.
 
24.  Where’s the funniest place you’ve ever had sex?
In the bamboo store at the mall. I could see the security guard walking back and forth.
 
25.  Have you ever been caught having sex?
My husband and I (before we got married) were at his uncle's place at the lake, naked and in mid-grope, when his uncle casually walked in. He covered his eyes, said "don't mind me", came right in and got something out of the closet. I just lay there, too surprised to even object.
 
26.  What did you want to be when you grew up?
A librarian. I thought I could get the new books first every time that way. Shut up, I was a nerd.
 
27.  Have you ever truly been in love?
Yes, I am right now.
 
28.  What’s your definition of love?
When you can say "you're such a dick, I love you", and honestly mean both things at the same time.
 
29.  Would you move to the moon if it was inhabitable?
Maybe, it would be pretty cool to bounce around like they do in the videos. Those space suits really aren't flattering, though. "Does this oxygen pack make my butt look big?"
 
30.  How long did it take you to complete this?
About half an hour.