Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

Amateur Hour

In his mind's eye
The Poet sees:

A dim-lit cafe, hazy
with the grey wisp-clouds of
cigarrette smoke and the strong aroma
of fresh-brewed coffee, alive
with the blistering buzz
of deadpan conversation

(Something akin to budding beat of the bongo drums
the twenty-something beatnik has issued to life atop the stage)

It's a clichéd, beat-down Poetry slam
down, the kind that rattles the ears and
douses the mind in the inflammable innovation
and rockin' rythym that
revels in the retread of synonymous sounds;
the rat-a-tat-tat machine-gun
drawl of the speaker's spittle.

The phosphorescent lights eminate
heat, like the L.A. sun in the
summer-time; the air is alive with blistering buzz of
deadpan conversation, and hazy with the
grey wisp-clouds and smoldering buds of the
coffin nails so enthusiastically inhaled.

The floor sticks to the soles of his '68 Converse, black;
the microphone hisses feedback and he hisses his
feed right back.
And he breathes. And

In his mind's eye
The Poet sees:

Author notes

Inspired by the poetry slam, coffee house scene that is lampooned so much in popular culture. I thought I'd pay tribute to it, so I worte a beatnik-beat of my own.

A contest entry

Does the rythm succeed in adding to the thematic imagery?

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • Sheilasbabygal4life
    October 26

    Edit | Reply
    This was a very well written piece of work you have here, It had a good flow and it was very enjoyable too read. Thank you for entering and best of luck too you in the contest.


  • Desdmona
    April 1

    Edit | Reply
    Due to the requirements of this contest, I have to remove your poem because it is not a gold trophy winning poem. I'm sorry because this was a great poem. Keep up the good work. ~Des


  • jayyniecakes.
    February 16
    Edit | Reply
    A dim-lit cafe, hazy
    with the grey wisp-clouds of
    cigarrette smoke and the strong aroma
    of fresh-brewed coffee,

    [sounds like my kinda place! great imagery]

    i love this poem.. it is amazing.

    send me a message so I can add you to my favorites!

    finalist

  • poets whisper silver member
    February 15

    Edit | Reply
    I like the entire poem but feel that the opening was very discriptive and strong. It pulled me in and helped keep me there. The image of swirling smoke in a room is vivid though not allowed here in California lol. Thanks for entering


  • Umi Juvariel
    February 5
    Edit | Reply
    I liked how you ended it with the beginning, bringing it full circle for extra emphasis. The beat and rhythm were alright, but there were a few places I had to re-read to find the rhythm continuation. Other than that, I enjoyed this piece, and wish you good luck in my contest.

1 - 5 of 5