nowhere in the world could I find words for this -
not in the darkest, dustiest old libraries, full of pages
soaked in human knowledge and intellect,
not in the reflected rainbows of puddles beside the edges of city sidewalks
not in basslines and drumbeats
and piano chords sprawling outward
into the surfaces of concert halls
not in churches, classrooms, or bookstores,
not in shops or markets or bars
studios or art galleries
not in the most luxuriant boudoirs, or
the raw vibes of a cappella groups
busking on street corners;
no, not if I walked to the end of the earth, if I ran for the rest of my days could I ever begin hoping, wishing
to find words that could in any miniscule, tiny way describe the way your eyes light up when you smile,
or the crazy, uncontrollable swarm of butterflies that erupt in my stomach
at the sight or even thought of your face
the wish to take your hand or brush my mouth against your eyelashes
imagining that even the most mundane, ordinary surroundings are set aglow the second you enter them
smoky basements or greasy diners suddenly sparkling
but no matter the place, no matter the time, you remain beautifully, unchangeably you
leaving me breathless
Author notes
This still doesn't do it justice.
& there's something bout the 3rd stanza I don't like...idk, suggestions?
"Something in the way she moves me attracts me like no other lover; something in the way she woos me... don't want to leave her now..."
A contest entry
- Wearing my ♥ on your sleeve by WithinYourEyes.
400 points, ended February 19, 22 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Love and hope....poems from the heart by XxEmo-SkittlezxX.
400 points, ended February 5, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Write me something by YesterdaysDreams.
700 points, ended February 18, 42 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
I hope criticism (that good old "constructive" kind) is forthcoming
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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I really liked this, I have not read anything in a while that I have not felt the need to criticise, but I have nothing but good thoughts about your poem! I can most definitely understand, as much as we might try, there really are no words to do justice!
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A magnificent piece
Wonderfully worded and penned -
Your poetry has that something that sets it apart in my mind from everything else I've read. It always leaves an impression on me. Great job!
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the wish to take your hand or brush my mouth against your eyelashes
imagining that even the most mundane, ordinary surroundings are set aglow the second you enter them
smoky basements or greasy diners suddenly sparkling
but no matter the place, no matter the time, you remain beautifully, unchangeably you
leaving me breathless
I liked this very much, it is something I think I would write myself. Good job and good luck in the contest -
Beautiful, your right there are no words for the feeling you describe. We often try to say it and you said it so well.
Excellent
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This is really good, and captures well the delight and awe of loving someone. As you're asking for feedback, the second half of the poem seems to have too many multi-syllable words which begin to weigh the poem down - miniscule, uncontrollable, unchangeably etc. But I doI like the way the way your poem evolves from its short verse beginning to its positive descriptions of the power of your lover's presence.
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This is beautiful. I love it, and the way you describe everything so well. Good luck in the contest!
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thanks (:
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this is absolutely beautiful. (:
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thxbby <3 (:
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this was brilliant.
can't really think of any criticism to speak of... well save for the fact that this starts to seem relatively repetitive after a while, but that's easily ignorable. the images you used were really .. awesome. :]
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I loved the list form of this poem and the variety of examples in it to show the true scope of feeling. I do feel however some of the lines were a bit long and could be happily divided into two somehow without ruining the flow of the poem. Overall though I really enjoyed this and the form adds interest to the concept expressed.
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