Tears blur my vision,
as I wander down the path,
flowers turn to mourn with me,
weeds reflect my wrath.
Roses that you planted,
for our anniversary,
now crimson reminders,
of what will never be.
Crumpled piece of paper,
held tightly in my hand,
emotions swelling,
still trying to understand.
Cursing this thing called war,
as the willow weeps;
deep inside my womb,
our unborn child, sleeps.
A contest entry
- Favorites? by L3vity.
1000 points, ended February 23, 2009, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
-
Your subject is fantastic. Your execution isn't, though. The inconsistent rhythm weakens the rhyme. Regardless, WOW. Well done.
-
-
Thanks...
Could you please show me where the rhyme fell for you? I am here to improve my writing and I need to know...
Thanks for comments!
Be well and blessed!
-
-
Yeah sure. In just about every stanza your syllables are inconsistent. The sound effect could be compared to "twinkle twinkle little star, how I wonder you are"
If that makes any sense. The reader expects the line to last for a certain duration and then it doesn't.
-
-
-
wow - what a sad picture you paint. Wonderful wording, images and emotion. And so much truth for way too many.....
Well done!
best wishes in your contest
-
-
Mahalo "aboomer" glad you liked it...
It is a very sad truth...has been through many "conflicts" and wars!
-
-
This painted such a picture. I love the imagery. The message is so sad, but well written. good luck!
-
-
Thanks for reading
and the comments.
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 7 of 7
