When I said
I’ll be fine without you
I wasn’t lying.
A simple kiss
Outside a bookstore
A ghosting pair
of familiar lips
over glossy pink impostors
tugs at my heart
a knot in a shoelace
ripped through an eyelet
with excessive force.
my ribcage is hollow.
my heart is a little red balloon
tapping gently
but insistently
against the wall of my chest.
The little red balloon pops
At the pearl at her throat.
My lie is reflected
on the pearls of her smile.
A contest entry
- The Top Ten Titles: Double Whammy (Prompt Contest) by lowercase prelude.
1200 points, ended February 11, 2009, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Thoughts?
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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20/25
I was very impressed at the depth you reached.
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this is really well written and the imagery is fantastic; i know the feeling and this captures it excellently. and that last little stanza is fantastic!
just a couple of things:
-why are the first three lines so overspaced? it's drawn out -- to me, at least -- unnecessarily, and doesn't tug the reader along like the rest of the poem does.
-"The ghosting of a pair/of familiar lips" -- the two uses of "of" make this sound a tad awkward, but ghosting is such a perfect word! i love this, for serious... although perhaps you might wish to consider something like "a ghosting pair of familiar lips," or something with "ghosting" as an adjective and not a verb... but still, well done.
-not sure why 'pops' has its own line. it hangs there randomly and isn't that strong of a word to stand alone.
sorry to be nitpicky and all, but i really like it and wouldn't bother with the criticism if i didn't.
-christie
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Thanks so much for the thoughtful criticism! I agree with all of your points.
EL
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very well penned
a good take on the prompt
i thought your emotions were conveyed well and were strong -
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Thank you! And yes, I do think Shakespeare would hate emo poems.
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Awesome! There's one more for the cause than
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