My broken body is wasted. It's empty,
though they say its "too stuffed", I wonder still.
Hidden amongst the curves and turns of this
weather stained road is a stick straight path,
just like the ones who give their souls to you.
Cocaine and razors wash away the pain,
forcing the blonde ambitionist to see
nothing the world holds for her now because
she cries in angst her heart is broke again.
Far fairer the blazing sun of glory
of digital intelligence again.
Fairer than the fairest maiden of health
and of substance. She weeps at the sight now.
emaciation reigns supreme you see
she tells you that you're not of worth. Forget!
Remember not your youthful glow, its lost!
and then your eyes begin to tear, my dear.
a sad realization when you know its gone.
All dreams all hopes all ambitiones (ambitsheeonez)
you're cast as but a hag, a nun, a wretch.
A non-essential, non-poetic bitch.
Author notes
Nikki Durant- Body image and the media.
A contest entry
- Important Issues by pinksnowboots.
570 points, ended February 19, 2009, 66 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
Woah. The last two lines completely stopped me in my tracks. I love it when poetry does that! I couldn't help but reread it several times to let it all sink in. This is a great piece and a powerful one. I will definitely be bookmarking it and am very inspired to check out your other work. Wow!
Constructive criticim: I wasn't completely sure of the exact subject of the poem until the very end. I'm not sure if the confusion was intentional on your part or not. It was hard in certain places to distinguish between the "she"s.
On another note, the only thing better than a poem going out with a bang, is coming in with a proportionately enticing beginning. I love the last three lines of the first stanza and they really drew me in! But the first two felt awkward to my eyes and ears, not instep with the rest of the piece by way of form, voice, or power. Here's what I'd do:
My broken body is wasted. Empty,
though they'd call it too stuffed, and I wonder.
"My broken body is wasted" is a great attention getter, but I was immediately distracted by the bulk and a lack of fluidity in the next line and a half.
Small capitalization thing: I wasn't sure if you didn't capitalize the first line of the last two stanzas for a specific reason. Generally speaking, I'd say go for uniformity in capitlizing after puncuation.
All in all, a GREAT piece of work and one that will definitely stick with me. I'm so glad I stumbled across this piece. Made my day that much more fulfilling to find a nice bit of poetry--the perfect way to end my night on a high note. =)
Best of luck in the contest!!
Write on, Sim.
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