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Turn away...

 

In bright image of creation, dark shadows followed near

time cared not of its weakness, nor dismayed their shallow tears

man alone has depths to feel love, to know truth, allow fear

 

he wallows in heat of misery as hope disappears,

denies the instance of unity, for the sake of few

greed overwhelms need by a weight he so willingly bears

duty to false gods he raised, sustained by covetous views

 

[now turn away wishes for vain glory, by high oaths swear]

n'eer allow spring seeds to fallow, so precious, so dear

shed as faults unto pain; wisdom whispers until they hear

 

and lose moribund grimaces, resigned and sightless stares

raise justice to all, the fairness, worth and dignity due

to the state of life, gained by birth, and act as if they knew 

fate puts a face to every choice made, somehow...somewhere.

 

 

 

Author notes

Sarabande Sonnet

The Sarabande was a dance of Persian origin introduced into Spain in the 16th century. The poem follows the movements of the dance with its change of stanza form to comply with the measures of the music. As a “sonnet” it has:

14 lines
Four stanzas

Pattern:
aaa, abab, aaa, abba

14lines, 14 syllables per line

In a list

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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Comments

1 - 13 of 13

  • Idle Mind Wondering silver member
    March 8, 2009

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    3rd person omniscient: check

    "time cared not -, nor dismayed their shallow tears"

    I love this truism, for even if we destroy this world, the universe and time will continue on relatively un-effected; therefor, love, truth, fear, unity, glory, hope, dignity and vanity are all "what man has made of man".

    Yet, "somehow...somewhere" there is a reckoning, a greater understanding for the value of life itself - or the chance of this understanding.

    Very well stated!
    ken


  • Durga
    February 12, 2009

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    Nice one

    I read all the comments that others had written for you. You seem to be so knowledgable and have a great flair for writing poems.


  • R S Adams Jr silver member
    February 12, 2009

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    I can't add to the other comments...

    you are so clever. This poem is magnificent and I am as envious as anything. I hope you feel very proud of it.

    I love the feeling of the last line.


  • Pamela A Lamppa silver member
    February 9, 2009

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    14 syllables per line
    Whew ... and all spot on until ... ... the last line - 13
    'every' is two syllables. This will be an easy fix though.

    My goodness - You have worked this beauty to a tee.

    You have used 3rd person omniscient quite subtly throughout giving this sonnet such an ethereal feel. Wonderfully written to the prompt.

    "they wallow in heat of misery as hope disappears,"
    This line threw me a bit and I kept coming back to it. I wonder if it might have been stronger as:

    he wallows in heat...

    meaning "man" of course in the same sense. You would of course need to change "they" to "he" in the lines that follow as well. But referring to "man" as the race may have more impact with the use of the word 'he'

    I will be back to read this again. Plenty of time to edit and tweak.
    Content is absolutely exceptional - I loved it. ~Pamela


    • Peteskid gold member
      February 9, 2009

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      Thanks for the comments!

      I thought about "he" and man when drafting, I resent the use of man to describe men and women, just too narrow a word... but truly it would sound better as man/he in that verse also add variety in 3rd person omniscient voice.

      Syllables...hmmm

      "eve·ry (ěv'rē Pronunciation Key..." and
      Every

      Ev"er*y\, a. & a. pron. [OE. everich, everilk; AS. ?fre ever + [ae]lc each. See Ever, each.]

      my dictionary[dictionary.com] has both two and three syllables for "every", ...ev-ree...[and as I pronounce it] eh-ver-ee... but i am happy to change it, i do not regard it as wrong because in english many words have more than one dictionary pronunciation, and wrong in grammar is a rare thing a very imprecise language. I remember reading Dylan Thomas, and a line about me-te-ors...he pronounced it met-yers..again no right or wrong, the vagaries of a language drawn from so many others ...Again thanks for the thoughtful comment...PK


      • Pamela A Lamppa silver member
        February 10, 2009
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        Oh my, I have not seen that before and thank you for this dictionary.com reference. I use it all the time too but 'duh'

        No - please don't change it in this case. I stand corrected and welcome the discovery.

        Thank you. ~Pamela


  • just mercedes gold member
    February 5, 2009

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    This poem has your unmistakeable gentle tone, with great vocabulary and passion for the subject.

    Best of luck in the contest, PK.


  • malmadre gold member
    February 1, 2009

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    So eloquent! and reading just now, I carried the same thoughts in my entry but yours is classic, written with "Peteskid" quality. The rhyme is gentle, the vocabulary so properly used. I love the ending...


  • FransB gold member
    February 1, 2009

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    I have been caught up

    with both the nature of this sonnet and the content of the poems that have been entered for this competition. The quality is unbelievable, and I am glad that I only have to enjoy and not decide. Your poem meets the criteria of the competition, and there is an 'alignment' of topic when comparing yours with the others. I also enjoyed the unfolding of thought, your use of words and lines to 'portray' the reason for 'turn away ...'. Here is 'truth' in what you write, there is a finger pointing to this reason - "choice", and instead of giving the 'how'-answer, you in the last line end: "... somehow ... somewhere ..." Blessings to you. Frans


  • CitrineSunrise silver member
    January 28, 2009

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    No matter the subject matter, you are able to infuse your own gracious wording to explore the glory and failings of human nature. This poem danced along so gracefully, and I loved the transition from the second tercet to the second quatrain. It is such a pleasure to be in the contest with you and to read your unique and perceptive interpretations of the prompts. Peace, Liz


  • Mari Goes
    January 28, 2009

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    moribund, that is a word we don't see every day...
    You have a poem that speaks of hard times, but also brings that wonderful sense of hope. You do so well, that turning over, from bad to good.
    The rhymes worked well too

  • patrick20traveler
    January 28, 2009

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    A tough write within the constraint of the form, and I may pronounce some of the rhyming words differently than you. I like the content and the message of hope in the last stanza.


  • poet2angels gold member
    January 27, 2009

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    Sigh~
    I must make time to get by more often...
    I do so love your poetry whether form or free verse, you are so amazing...
    I love this

    Lynda

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