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Silence; I wish you'd talk to me

I was the dandelion
and you were the wind.

You came into my life with a whoosh,
and I fell apart and blew away.

I'm broken now
even though you gathered up the bits of me
and brought them back,
your guilty gift.

I knew that you, as a fighting man,
would fail to put me back together again.

Author notes

Prompt: Silence.

Eh, not sure how it relates to silence but maybe because they were having relationship issues

And yes, there is a reference to Humpty Dumpty in the last two lines, I felt so special putting that there.

I realised, looking back at this after I wrote it, that I made this personal. Not literally of course. It just relates.

http://allpoetry.com/Snookums

A contest entry

Blah-fish - Constructive criticism is appreciated

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 17 of 17

  • Ann45 gold member
    July 6
    Edit | Reply

    Simple

    Yet this says alot, well done


  • CharleeBoy
    June 7

    Edit | Reply
    Simple poems go a long way. I think the set-up was just right for this, and you captured silence the way you wanted it to be captured. Well done, keep it up :]]


  • tarcus
    April 7

    Edit | Reply
    I was the dandelion
    and you were the wind.

    You came into my life with a whoosh,
    and I fell apart and blew away.

    If the poem had stopped here it would have been good.
    The title needs to be shorter also
    Silence!


  • BrokenBeyondRepair
    February 20
    Edit | Reply

    "Your guilty gift.."

    I love the "I am the dandelion and you are the wind"

    X3 GREAT WRITE XD


  • And Hyetal
    February 16
    Edit | Reply

    no.

    ~


  • Laura Lamarca gold member
    February 16
    Edit | Reply
    No.


  • sideways hourglass
    February 16

    Edit | Reply

    No

    You had decent imagery and metaphor, but with free verse, I was looking for something more rounded. Just my opinion. =/


  • Pamela A Lamppa silver member
    February 10

    Edit | Reply
    Very good to see a silver trophy on this piece.

    I love the dandelion reference and find your nursery rhyme reference strong as well. Good free verse and well spoken.

    I will not offer critique at this time but I will enjoy getting to know your poetry. A pleasure. ~Pamela


  • chilali
    February 4

    Edit | Reply
    Fab take on the prompt. I loved this. And yes, I did spot the nursery rhyme reference before I read the AN! You are a great writer. I really loved this. Congratulations on the Silver.


  • Cup-a-Joe
    February 2

    Edit | Reply

    Just passing thru

    This is really good. I love the title(it grabbed me)
    and then the poem itself-awesome.
    This deserves the gold. But I ain't the judge,
    Joe


  • Cannonsfire
    January 28

    Edit | Reply
    Loved it my favorite from you so far, the only thing I would have done is remove 'the' from the second line..'you were wind'...but for the sake of one filler word, this is awesomesauce and silver too Yay C


  • Noir mariposa...x gold member
    January 27

    Edit | Reply
    Loved this, the flow was really well done and the first lines were absolutely awesome.
    Thank you for entering and
    I wish you the best of luck ^^
    Claire x


  • StarEyes
    January 27

    Edit | Reply
    Hey Sweet Pea,

    What a read! This is fantastic! I love it... I love the way you took this one! Great job!

    Best of luck in this contest!

    Ek is lief vir jou altyd

    Mom

1 - 17 of 17