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Unpredictable Accident Blammers

Why can't she see that God has blinded her eyes?
How can I pray with no time, I always pay my tithes.
Oh, Lord help me choose my sanity.

Is it fair to give to humanity?
So why not give to charities?

My schedule resides with work and enjoy allowing my children to play sports with great sportsmanship and respect.
During a basketball game the whistle blew
Dad wouldn't let Mom drive after the game due to her stew.

 Who is that, is it you God?
 It is to dark in here.
 This place is to cold.
 Nothing could prepare for this outcome,
 Emergency squad blurring to the hospital.
 So how can people talk without a sound?
 Strange situation I can't hear myself, I scream with a voice no-one wants to hear.

  I only stopped for a lunch and a quick beer.
 Then why do they have a dry-erase board?

Angry parents demanding answers to why she killed twenty children.
No, It is not my fault, It was the bartenders because he served

 to many.
Oh, I hit a bus because my head felt like something was drilling.
That was gonzo's fault, He dared with a steep card dealing.
He was at the bar with me, he gave me my keys, I had trouble with gravity.
Everyone is crying, I wrote on the board what is wrong?
Remember that alcohol you needed, well you won't stop bleeding.

Ten minuets later my mother died.
Mom now is gone.
I now have to bury my mom. Everyone has mourn for the child who lost it all. If not you then I care if your clean.

What was the best and worst parts of this poem. How is an inpact on your personal feelings? How can I revise this piece? Was there any personal connections that corralate to you? Be critical!

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments


  • mooseman25
    January 27

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    A project poem, with definite potential

    I like the writing stlye, the direction you took, and also the story the poem tells. However, I think the poem could be improved through a couple of reviews and rewrites. It definetly has a good, solid foundation. Now I think all you need to do is build up on that foundation to turn this poem into the piece of art that it is begging to become.


  • AlfVenison
    January 27

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    Hard to read

    "Ten minuets later that dear ol' lady died."

    Did she dance herself to death?

    Misspellings, grammatical and punctuation errors pose obstacles at every turn. "I had trouble with gravity" is a pretty good line, though.