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Baby i [[Want]] you && Your perfection is my [[Obsession!!]]

i see you sitting there.
                                playing games.
a smile on your face.
                                baby its perfection.
i sit by you, hug you with a kiss.
                                                you smile.
but barley turn your face away from the game.
                                                                no need to baby, i know you care.
your perfection.
                      your perfection is my obsession.
i carnt take my eyes off you.
                                          your game finishes.
your turn your head and kiss me.
                                                your hands around my waist.
scratches on my back.
                                  bite marks on your neck.
i told you i bite.
                                                we carnt seem to keep our hands of each other.
baby your perfection.
                                your perfection is my obsession.
carnt you see.
                              its not that hard to notice.
i want you baby.
                                      your my obsession.

i bite again.
                          *Bite Bite*
you moan with perfection.
                                      i pull your hair.
you bite my neck.
                          our bodies collide.
we giggle.

baby i want you.
                        its not hard to notice.
your perfection.
                        and your perfection is my obsession.

Author notes

The first peom iv written in this sort of style... i guess, lol what do you think?

What do you think?

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments


  • Bean Sidhe silver member
    January 29

    Edit | Reply
    Hmm...this is interesting - it's not quite DP (other than the title) but the line structure is nice. I do think you'd be well served to go back through and spell check. I noticed several misspellings in my first read through and they detract from the piece as a whole. There is also a number of different places where the same words are used over & over again - you might think about using a thesaurus to offer some variety. I know mine is my best friend!
    :-)

    I would also suggest capitalizing "I" but that's just a personal pet peeve of mine!

    Lastly, the period at the end of every line causes the poem to feel choppy. I think it's because we are taught early in school that a period requires a hard pause. So, I might recommend that you rethink your punctuation as well.

    The piece as a whole shows promise with a tiny bit of editing! Keep working on it!