Waves crash across the coarse gray sand
rising washing
sinking seeping
into night
Waves echo from tall silhouettes
ancient cliffs
canyon bluffs
carved from night
Waves beat my heavy thoughts to rest
ground to dreams that
sparkle faintly
within the night
In a list
Thoughts, Feelings, Interpretations, Experience:
Comments
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On a general note I rather like this free verse, I think however if it were mine something does not quite sit right with the final stanza and I think its the final lines. Maybe it is the word 'sparkle' seems to awaken the poem once more like an interruption to the peace that if feels should realy be conveyed? I don't know, but am sure with small revision would come quickly right for you.
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The final stanza is what inspired the rest, so it's hard for me to want to alter.
But it's interesting how many people have shared this feeling. Maybe I should write a parallel poem that starts the same and ends differently.
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Exhaling, as in a breath forward.
Light and almost felt-
only thing is, it does not fall. And with the form, it should. Like a feather gently to a surface.
Might be the spaces. Not sure.
Glad to have read some of your free verse. It's a wider license if it is felt.
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Yeh there have been some complaints about the indentation. But somehow I just like the way the form fell out.
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this is beautiful! I don't know very much about technique in form poetry, but when I stumble upon a poem/form like this...it excites me and inspires me to try my own hand at it. I love your work. Lane
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Good to hear. Have you tried writing something similar?
As I told Mephitic, the form is coincidental and arbitrary. It just sort of fell out that way--like shaking out the sheets. The words are the sheet, the line breaks and intentational scheme are the wrinkles.
Glad you liked!
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Nice poetry with or without the space.
Good work.
Jim
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Great! Thanks Jim!
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Wonderful. I like this. I wonder, though, if you didn't mar the form by forcing the thought in the third strophe that directs the analogy because the echoing parallel quality of lines 2 and 3 present in the first two strophes disappears in the final strophe. I see there are other variations, mostly in syllable count, and maybe you were going for something specifically with the structure of the final strophe. I don't know. Anyway, great images and a lovely sonic quality.
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The similarity in accentual structure between the stanzas is coincidental. Wasn't actually going for it. But as I read and reread the poem, editing this and that, it ended up morphing into its current "structured" form. Kind of interesting how that can happen, hmm? A free verse poem morphing into a form less "free"?
I'm not so sure there's a forced thought. :-/ Would you point it out to me specifically so I can think about it?
Glad you like the sonic quality. I tried to keep it all wave related, words that curled, broke, and rolled on the thoughts like the waves on the sand.
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Well the final strophe reads more like a complete sentence than the others, and it seems almost like an explication of the poem. It's still very nice, though.
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I actually understood the point of breaking it like you did, however, I still don'tfeel it. I guess what I am trying to say is, when I lived in Eureka, I would visit the Ocean ALL THE TIME, in Eureka your 5 minutes away so how could you not? Anyway, I would stand on the shore by the south Jetty and count the heartbeats in between crashes at my feet. There was such a beautiful rythm there.......I WANT TO feel that in this poem. The words and content are great... I just want to feel the waves crashing into the shore at my feet!!
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Ah, I see. I've been right where you're talking about. In fact I lived in Lighthouse Ranch for a small while when I was 18. I think that would be a different poem. In fact, I wrote one in those days inspired by seeing my first double-rainbow moon-dog.
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Fantastical
I love the way you laid this out. It's almost as if your poem is floating upon the waves. Very well done, indeed, just as it is. -
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Ah you've caught on to what I was attempting then, to make the words and imagery move in the mind a bit like waves on the shore. I'm glad you enjoyed!
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Don't Hate Me
Into, Carved from and within, obviously a theme here, but the way that it is displayed broke the flow for me. I tried, I really did, and the form is your choice and may work for you. The content and emotional undertones of the poem itself were wonderful and leave me with a feeling of it's time for me to go back to bed and go back to sleep!!!!!! -
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The idea was actually to break the flow, like the breaking of waves.
And why would I hate you for leaving your honest critique??? You're one of my most loyal readers, for years now! By all means, analyze and criticize, make me think about and either defend or alter my words and structure.
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