the inky night, silent and shimmering,
clasped hands and sweet cadences simmering.
the darkness is alight and pure,
with a lovely ache that cannot be cured.
stars shy the opalescent moon,
a few soft flakes beginning to bloom.
peace molded in this ephemeral night,
the lovers’ shadow cast in the moonlight.
Author notes
written for my love
critiques appreciated :]
Comments
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Hmm...the only thing I really have an issue with is "stars shy the opalescent moon". What do you mean by that? Are the stars shy? Are they shying away? Following the line with "a few soft flakes beginning to bloom" makes it sound like the flakes are the stars, not snow, which is what I think you intended.
The comma in the second stanza could be removed to make it flower better.
I hope that helps. -
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the stars are shying away from the moon, with the snow..you usually don't get stars because of the clouds, just the moon peeking through every once in a while. The flakes are not stars because the stars shy away. And also, the commas at the end are grammatically correct. You should not end a line in a poem with no sort of punctuation. It doesn't really interrupt the flow it just divides the lines from one another :]
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