In absence I seclude myself
Resigned to love once again
Lingering passion upon my lip
A mosaic of past upon my mind
Sensual secrets slipping to the floor
Carelessly I vend my soul
Whispering hope to any ear
Yearning for that touch long departed
Searching eyes for another look
Faces stare blankly back at my own
Peace prominently replaced by discord
With dreams departed, a design of new
Agony grippeth mine heart for lost love….
Author notes
How much courage do you have.....Part 2
A contest entry
- How much courage do you have--Part 2 by Exit-Stage-Right.
7000 points, ended February 19, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
FV, I think....
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
-
Needs some serious spacing here, it's too jumbled together and doesn't flow because you want to read it too quick...let it flow use some enjambment and give the reader time to savor
C
-
-
See I knew there were some tricks of the trade that I wasnt employing.......
I will have to go and look up enjambment.........holy cow!!
Honestly thank you for the heads up on this write.
HammeR -
-
lol enjambment isn't scary it's just where a poem finishes a stanza with half of the sentence then spaces and allows the ending to become the beginning of the next stanza..a broken thought that allows a reader to savor the first part before heading to the conclusion of the sentence
It takes time to find where you should use it and still have the flow but it's very effective in free verse C
-
-
-
Just doing a quick breeze through tonight... seeing if anyting reads better on the second perusal. It, um, well... it's free verse, that's for sure!
-
-
LOL Thanx man. I appreciate the confirmation on free verse. I never said it wasnt ugly and disfunctional, just that I wasnt afraid to try something new. I know you and your judges have your work cut out for you.
Thanx for allowing me to jump in here and have a little fun.
HammeR
-
-
You're writing again! Yay...and Long Time No See!!!
Nice use of alliteration...it was so subtle I almost didn't even realize it was there! I thought that the use of "grippeth" rather than a more contemporary choice of words was a little out of place in relation to the feel of the rest of the poem.
So nice to see you, Kenny!
peace and hugs,
Lorena~ -
-
Occasionally I will dabble with a few words and try to form something coherent. Yes it has been a few days since I scribbled anything. I appreciate you coming by and giving me a comment on this piece. It has been quite some time since a played with any writes and this is something totally foriegn and never made sense to me, non-rhyming poetry......oh the humanity of it all......lol. Anywho, I thought I would give it a shot. I am happy I did and know there are some great writes in this contest. I am just glad to be here
Take care girl and it was great to hear from you again.
Kenny
-
-
Hey man thanx for checking this write out and asking about it. I can see what you are meaning about the first two words of this write, I was hoping to portray confusion with absence and seclusion. Perhaps I have only confused my readers....lol.
As far as the last line I agree it is not how we speak anymore and you got the point I was trying to make with the olde world style. My beliefs are of an old set, meaning I still like to open doors for ladies, being passionate in public......just a few of the things that I see slowly slipping from mainstream americana. I think you are correct about the "Agony grippeth mine heart for lost love" being a better choice.
I think I shall leave the first line as is but change the last line. My thoughts on a couple of the other lines within are that they are weak but functional.
Hehehe I think sensibility is over-rated
Thanx again man -
The first two words of the poem beg the question: "In absence of what?"
And the last line, why "mine" over "my"? To my sensibilities (which, trust me, are unlike anyone else's) the word draws undue attention to itself because it just not the way we speak anymore.
"Agony grippeth mine heart for lost love..." perhaps, or "Agony hath gripped mine heart for lost love…" One of those might lend the sentence more authenticity of olde if you think it's necessary.
Should you be interested in overhauling the poem (and I'm not trying to coerce you here) the contest will be open for a few more days! -
Free verse for sure, but the reader sees the soul of a lyrical poet pacing like a tiger seeking a way to be free to race through the trees and swim the rivers of rhythm and rhyme!
The poem is complex, noting the feelings we feel as we lift our selves from the disappointment of love lost to seek new love with sincerity and hope, but also with fear and trepidation. Insecurity will color any new relationship until, unless it finds a solid foundation of its own in the hearts of the new couple.
We do not forget the lost love, but the memory of it will change the way we consider the prospect of love. And yet, his past is meaningless to prospective lovers who see the poet only as he is, not how he came to be. How then can he be known or understood?
Adding your comment:
1 - 10 of 10
