Tearing myself from inside out
For I cannot bear what I'm doing to you
An innocent date
Or so I thought
How could it bring about so much pain?
From that single kiss
We both felt it
Much more
Than either of us have felt before
In one night we built up
So much more than we could have imagined
Both knowing the consequences
I could not stick around
By ball and chain I am bound
A commitment already made
Becomes my one regret
I want nothing more
Than to be there with you
But a promise as simple
As I will be home
I dare not say
This contract I signed
Time must be paid
My life itself has no guarantee
I fight all day and into the night
This I know
Fills you with fear
I hear it in your voice
When we talk on the phone
Weeping is apparent
And I start to tear
Your heart is damaged
The fault is all mine
One single day
Before we met
You stood so strong
Not a thing could keep you down
I don't know what to do
For I love you
But I want you to be happy
Whether that's with or without me
Author notes
Her name is Marissa, I met her just this past christmas when I went home on leave. I knew from the moment I saw her that she was something special. New years I took her on a date, the moment we kissed i fell in love. Somehow i must have had the same impact on her. I had to leave no more than 3 days later. Return to duty. She is losing her mind. I hate that she feels so much pain, i just want her to be happy
p.s. i had to let her go, shes happy now.
In a list
A contest entry
- Heart's Perdition by Oedhel.
400 points, ended January 29, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
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oh my goose!! This is so sad. I can feel this as I was the Marissa in my story. And yes, it does hurt immensely. Thanks for sharing...very emotional
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wow this is really good......im really sorry i know how that feels i really do.
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It's hard to write about man and woman relationships, even though it's a major life theme. It takes practice. Well done
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so sad a write. well done, hope all is safe with you.
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wow.
i'm sure that if she's read this she'd be completely flattered. i really liked this, the description was something else.
keep your chin up,
swim.x
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If she has read it,
I'm sure she is touched,
Just don't regret it,
It wasn't rushed.
Sometimes our fate,
Leads us to pain,
And that causes us,
To go insane.
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This is a great piece full of honesty and emotion. I find myself wondering if she has read it...
Thanks for posting this - I really enjoyed reading it!
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Aw, I haven't ever had an experience with that, but I reckon it sucks, however I DO have sucky luck with relationships lol so I guess I know that half lol
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interesting write very good choice of words amazing job good luck in the contest
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emotional. real.
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I Love this.
Its relateble... it shows you care and its not real mushy like more lovey poems. -
nicely done
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Jake, hard to contain all those emotions on the page.
As has been mentioned by others, be careful of over used words and phrases, like "ball and chain." At first I thought your commitment was a wife because that phrase has been used so often to refer to a restrictive marriage. I want enough clues in the poem that I can understand it without your note. You're close - keep going. Buff
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Cute poem. I like the emotional in it, and I can feel a lot of sincere emotion. That is one of the things I enjoy most in poetry, this sort of stream of emotions that that flow freely and water the gardens of inspiration. This is a real flower. Congrats.
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Wow. I can tell you really felt this poem it is so emotional and evokes such a strong response from me.
Little note: grammar. Punctuation is your friend. And another little note: stanzas are your friend also. With this huge block of endless words I feel really overwhelmed and it kind of hurts my connection here.
But oh my goodness this is so powerful and well written. It has so much potential to go so far with so little work. This is such a great poem and if you can just follow the rules of grammar it will be fantastic! -
i love your poetry not only this one but all of them.
this made me feel like i was living the story and i loved it!!
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Outstanding
It is so sad that because of your work this relationship can't blossom the way it should. I can understand how it is tearing you a part. I liked how you explored your thoughts and the way you expressed your feelings for this girl. I hope it all works out for you.
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Hello, Jake. Critical Reviewers Two here.
“An innocent date”? Jake, there ain’t no such critter.
That’s why we should never date someone we shouldn’t
marry. You never can tell who will just grab your
heart and run off with it. Of course, how do we know
before the date?
The combination of no punctuation and beginning
each line with a capital letter is VERY confusing.
If you are not going to indicate where your sentence
ends with a period, it would be such a kindness to
show a new sentence by starting it with a capitol
letter.
The spell check program is your friend. It will catch
things like “whar” in the second line.
Not in any way taking away from your right to feel
what you will, let me assure you that danger
intensifies emotions.
Jake, thanks for what you are doing for us. Be safe.
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very sweet. I hope things work out between you 2. great write also. It held my attention. keep up the good work.
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aww i'm sorry its so sweat yet so sad hope ya'll see each other soon
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Hi, Jake.
I can tell that you experienced something very real here. Bless you for sharing a military interlude with someone. I know this... very well.
I love these lines...very good!
This contract I signed
Time must be paid
Since you are member of this critique's group, I will be making several suggestions with the purpose of the reader receiving the exact
reaction I believe you intended.
~~ The body of the poem should be divided into portions of thought theme instead of one solid format.
~~With free verse, you do not need capitals at the beginning of each line. Should you divide this into stanzas, I would only capitalize the first letter of each FIRST LINE.
~~ Some of the words are cliché and could be more unique. Try selecting a synonym from a thesaurus without making it too complex.
~~ An oopsie/typo with the word "whar".
~~ Though I hand it to you for letting this 'float' without punctuation, it is needed in several places.
A wonderful piece in content. Thank you so much. And I pray you the best if deportation occurs.
God bless you!
as from me...
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awww jake! this is so sad yet so very well written! i can understand your pain alot and i'm sorry you're going through this. i hope things get better.
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