It's six o'clock in the morning,
when you crawled out of bed.
You should've told me you loved me,
but you just fled instead.
I woke up our daughter,
the reason I was here.
If it weren't for poor Julie
I'd never appear.
I worked all day long,
to pay off the bill.
You told me you'd do it,
but the beer kills your will.
Ten-thirty when you get home,
to see me with bags.
I told you we're leaving,
you called us both hags.
"I work all day long,
and you don't show respect.
You're going to stay here,
or my life will be wrecked."
"No, we are leaving,
and you can't make us stay.
You know where we'll be,
and you'll know what to say."
I walked out the door,
put Julie in the car.
I could hear you screaming,
from not very far.
"You cannot leave me,
I won't let you go!
If you want to be gone,
then you'll rest down below!"
You pulled out the gun,
you had hidden before.
I didn't care what you do,
I coulds't take it anymore.
I turned on my heel,
after I flipped you the bird.
The sound of my death,
will forever be heard.
Author notes
yeah...um, just a take off with the song "You Can't Stop The Killer" by Emery. I think it needs some editing but i can't put my finger on it, please leave constructive criticism
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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Great stuff!!!
Great narrative, rhythm & flow with a great rhyme scheme within that enthralled throughout...
Keep up the good work...
Well done!!!
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lookin good!!!
Sounds great, the improvments you made make it read so much easier.
Couple of things, typo in the second to last stanza, should be "couldn't"
and the words hags... I just don't think that it's a strong enough word. You might be able to change if you also change, "Ten-thirty when you get home,
to see me with bags." to something like, "Ten-thirty when you get home,
to see me with tickets in hand."
Then it might fit something like, "I told you we're leaving, when you stopped being a man."
In that sense it brings more emphesis on how SHE was working all the time AND taking care of the kid and all the house work also.
Hey can you check out some of my stuff? I need someone else to look at it and give me ideas of how to reword stuff... just don't read the light bulb one... it's stupid, and i"m going to delete it anyway... it was just something I threw into a contest to see if I could do it... I failed LOL -
Nice. It's always good to know how people will react to lyrics chosen for them.
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it's ok I like the vibe... yeah... needs work but I don't know exactly what... I likke it though. Good job and thanks so much for entering my contest! I really appreciate it! Keep up the good work and I wish you the best of luck!
The Famous Reese Bailey
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sweet! here's some constructive and some thoughts on how to make it better...:-)
It's six o'clock in the morning,
(when) you crawl out of bed.
You should('ve) tell (told instead of tell because it's past tense) me you love(d) me,
but you just flee instead.
Maybe "leave" instead of flee... fiddle around with the words... it has an extra beat in the "flee" line. If you're looking at structure.
2end stanza is great... good flow.
I work all day long, (maybe "from dusk til dawn")
to pay off the bill.
You told me you'd do it,
but the beer kills your will. (to many beats here, messes with the flow)
I tell you we're leaving,
you call us both hags. (perhaps a dif. word other then hags... it just doesn't seem strong enough and takes away from the intensity of the moment) Good form though and fits structure of the stanza.
"No, we can't stay,
we're leaving, I can't stand it here. (to many beats)
If you really want to find us,
I think you know where." (here and where don't flow very well. Perhaps:
"No, we are leaving,
and you can't make us stay.
You know where we'll be,
and you'll know what to say."
"You cannot leave me,
I won't let you go!
If you want to be gone,
then you'll rest down below!" ( to many beats maybe, "You want to be gone, you'll reap what you sow.") that way it also doesn't give away the ending. It just makes him sound angry not that he's going to kill her... but then at the end, BAM! you know?
These are just some ideas, you don't have to take them to litterally. The poem has GREAT structure, and a great flow. Just some of the areas I pointed out kind mess with the fung shway of it. Great job on it!
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so change the whole poem to past? just want to make sure i'm getting what you're saying
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well, to tell the story of someone's death, yeah... it's already past-tense anyway in many areas.
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lol yeah, i guess i should have realized that...i got most of it changed though, let me know if it sounds better now
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This is good imagery, I can actually see the wife leaving. Any woman who has divorced their husbands will relate completely. I didn't notice any grammatical mistakes, and the rhyme scheme seemed to have a great flow. Good Job. Kudos [ :
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omg, i love it, plz dont change a thing. this reminds me a lil of that movie, If Someone Had Known. it's about a battered wife that killed her husband when he tried to kill her. but she was kinda timid and drawn back, she loved him too much to flip him the bird.
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never heard of it, ill have to try to rent it sometime or something. thanks for the comment = P
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