Down the street she goes
Clicking stilettos
Fifteen inch weapon
She hides under her belt
This is England
We are Brits
A licence is hard to get
For this
It`s evil, it`s lethal
Her mini skirt is red
Sways as she walks
Fly`s as the wind blows
Oh, boy
What a bitch she is
She`s dressed to kill
She moves to thrill
Down Kings Cross Station
Where the junkies
The faggots
Gather to play, make noise
A philharmonic Orchestra of Rap sucks
Red, black bloomers
From his wife`s drawer stollen
She knows nothing
Sips tea by the gallons
All day by the telly
While her old dog`s out
Earning a living
Then one evening
He comes home dressed(..) like Maryleen
And says
I`m Gayyyyyyyyyyyy
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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funny
this was humorous and masterfly done,well done my friend.
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Very good. I have a friend whose husband turned out to be gay and that could be a best selling book. But that's a story for a different day.
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i loved this, the imagery you paint is awsome, loving the kings cross station, totally relate to it, perhaps cos im a brit!!!
love the story its gots balls to it!!
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Found It!
This looks and reads much better by the stanzas, just a couple of corrections
1) It`s evil, it`t lethal -- it't/it's
2) From his wifes drawer stollen -- wifes/wife's, stollen/stolen
3) He comes home dressed, like Maryleen -- remove comma, if you want to denote a pause use elipses ( . . . ) or an M Dash made by Ctrl/Alt and press the dash on the numeric pad. You will have to do that on your computer then copy/paste to A/P. The M dash method does not work within A/P.
Looking great, dear one!
Luv & hugs, SisBon
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Whoa! Hard-hitting
You really are quite talented, dear Nick, even when the writing gets down and dirty about the seamier side of life in every city around the world. This one really hits it hard with the hard words. Whew! Tender on my virgin ears.
These two lines need revising:
1) "High hills stiletto" - high heels and stilettos are redundant; how about "clicking stilettos"
2) "Her Minny skirt is gay" - Minny/mini-skirt, here I think citing a color would work better than gay; perhaps "Her mini-skirt red" which is a fitting color for a loose woman or one attempting to look easy.
I really wish you would consider breaking this into stanzas. There really are ideal sections to do so. Nevertheless, this is very good: great imagery, pretty good flow, and a story with a beginning and an end: rather explains her behaviour in that seedy part of town.
Luv & hugs, BonnieQ
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Well thank god you see the funny side of it dear friend, because it got kicked out of the contest and I don`t know why
It`s A Rap version, and I don`t think it insults anybody
Thanks for your wonderful review, points taken -
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Hmmm? I can't imagine why it got kicked out. . . perhaps the "B" word? Maybe you could change it to the new Hollywood version: be'ache (bee-ahh-shh), there's an accent mark in there somewhere Okay, so find another contest! In the meantime, adjust this to stanzas and remove a bit more redundancy, such as "got."
Luv ya! SisBon
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