Why...

Sometimes I don't know if I love myself
When the reflections in memories turn up
always facing the least flattering of my actions

Choices of spirit wrongly made
Actions taken which were forbade
Words that lie so wrongly spoken
Hearts left narrowly unbroken

Opportunities not taken
Gifts not given

(The peacock's eye sees
what was hidden)

The betrayal of trust carried out to the end
Only to cover the pride of a friend
One who knows the lust of a lover
Without the truth of his own uncovered

Sad words repeated without use
The reaction to such will only abuse
Why repeat what only shall hurt
Only to know the cold hug of a wet shirt

Warm me up darling, I'm so cold inside...
The reasons for which will only come with time
Passing emotions no more than that is this
How could I lose you in the heat of our kiss?

Look what I'm doing, still causing too much
The pain of reading should not be as such
Still I have to be honest, my so fatal flaw
Out from the claw and into the maw

Never could I pain by action or blow
The regret of such would be too much I know
Why then be stabbing with words on a page
To let out the internal embers of rage

Rage self directed, never at you
And somehow hatred for still hurting you too
Why can't I be contained, without leaving you stained
Must I bleed imperfection only to loosen your chains

It's unhealthy of course
To keep up such discourse
And the horrible rhyme
Without meter or time
Continues to flow
As only I know
To keep up the life
In which I can grow

Grow to get over these sorry outbursts
Where the internal is reflected for better or worse
And so now you know what I've said and I've done
I hope I can learn to be a better step-son

One who has answers when only were blank stares
Who can offer alternatives instead of pushing away affairs
It would be refreshing to burrow into the couch
But how can one do that as the couch itself?

Improper responses to intimate questions
Not knowing how to describe the state of perfection
Living in the moment has only one flaw
Never can you describe what you saw

Always seeing without not within
Is why I can't remember what's been
So why like the slow times it helps me pause
And look inside for the root and the cause

So that when you ask an answer I'll share
Instead of looking like I don't really care
By stuttering some response before a repeated assault
Onto your unanswered question, seemingly my default

And do you want to know what hurts most of all?
I'm supposed to be writing a response to your call
Yet here I am self indulging not writing about you
Better than keeping it inside to stew...?

So while you test your own against the system
I sit here brooding waiting for remission
Atone me for this, my most hideous crime
Speaking my mind at all the wrong times

So outward reflecting the view that I see
When I ask what goes on inside of me
The distortions enormous and deletions galore
Can't quite remember what you said at the door

Thanks for the evening, you said with a smile
You meant it god dammit then why the denial

Look what I've done ruined the memory
Hopefully with time you'll come to forgive me

So this is why I suppose I doubt it at times
(That I love myself, when I hear only lies)
Putting up with all this must be really hard
Sorry if this ranting has caused any scars

But now that I've said everything
(Well only the lies)
Perhaps I can move on
(Ditch this disguise)

For when you stare plastered
You see more than I can
I need help finding it
I've lost me again

So if you'll help
I know I can be
The wonderful person
You see within me