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Haiku for morning frost in an orchard




an orchard in the morning
(demanding a poem)
cloaked in river frost
silver lace kissed by soft light

above: a dome of blue crystal astride
the moon and fading night to the west
and to the east (hiding the newborn day)
a wall of tormented cloud riding upon the river


should i profane this silence with a word?
with what stroke of a pen can i improve this perfection?
can i teach a lark to sing?



                        silhouettes of frost
                  half clouded in the river mists
                        half lost to the snow














Author notes

Azure; I hope I'm not taking liberties with your contest!
...this is what you've pushed me to write.

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Comments

1 - 8 of 8

  • bridgetjanejone
    May 3
    Edit | Reply
    I don't understand all those words for a haiku/haibun?! Too much confusion. I don't understand the connection with the final haiku.

    You need to strip it down so much. It's all been said before but

    can i teach a lark to sing?


    stands proud. Great, great words. You just need a line or two more and it will be brilliant.




    • DogFish silver member
      May 8
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks for your comment, BJJ, & taking the time to read.
      Haibun is really a journal or a travelog punctuated with haiku. I'm not sure my poem really qualifies...I was writing a prologue describing a beautiful frosty dawn for which I wanted to write a haiku...think of the first part as the alembic and the last lines as the little cup of saki!


  • Cerulean Sunrise gold member
    May 1

    Edit | Reply

    Welcome to Allpoetry

    Now then there... I do like this style. It reminds of a few others I have read.(Oh course yours is unique though)

    Best of wishes
    -Mark


  • azure85 gold member
    January 30

    Edit | Reply
    After judging, I could see it was you who wrote the haibun. It made me think a haibun contest would be so much fun, I really enjoyed yours very much.


    • DogFish silver member
      January 30
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks for your kind comments, Amber, and the honourable mention!


  • bengalibelle
    January 30
    Edit | Reply
    Beautiful haibun!Loved the closing lines, specially the last line.

  • azure85 gold member
    January 26
    Edit | Reply
    It is a poetic haibun, and very beautiful. It is lovely, and lead up to your haiku in a delightful way. Thank you for your wonderful poetic interpretation of winter!


  • just mercedes gold member
    January 23

    Edit | Reply
    With beautiful poetry like this, you can be forgiven any liberty.

    I liked the sketching in of the scene, the poet's thoughts, before the haiku.

    Original, unique.

1 - 8 of 8