your face is made of
peach daisy patterns--
you hate your tiny, tiny freckles
and your cutesy nose;
you wish for stern features,
fluid lines and
concave gravity.
some nights I'd catch you
with your eyes fixated on
a certain constellation;
you never saw the stars for
their beauty, but for
their distinct positions in space,
turning imploding light
into formulas.
I brought you chicken sandwiches
with honey mustard and
a jar of pickles
(you loved their stinging flavour;
I loved the green stains they leave
behind.)
repulsed, you asked why
I had put pickles in a jar where
goldfish were already swimming,
and you blinked anxiously, ready to
unshackle the poor orange darlings
that I had to pretend to see.
the rest of the night you spent
huddled in your room, stapling
newspaper clippings together
and circling adverbs with
your favourite pen--
I wish the ink really was red--
I gently washed off your
fingers and face;
you scrunched up your nose
and said something about
the facial features of Greek gods,
how it was so unfair that they
were born with
powers and devilish eyes
and you couldn't even recite
the alphabet backwards.
as I led you outside,
I permitted myself to clutch your hand;
it felt like that of a child, and inexplicably
cold.
after a week of long nights and
the possible pasting-together of
proper nouns that only relate
in your mind, I came to visit.
I had a squirming red fish
in a plastic bag.
he had a big belly
and he gave me your laugh.
you named him Conqueror.
he swam around like he
was trying to keep from sinking
as you told me about how much
you hated those grey sheets
and how ribbons of darkness
crept through too soon--
they dictated your bedtime, after all--
Conqueror seems so lonely without
your lily eyes and soft skin
(that only you found irritating),
but he continues his plight,
forcing through distilled water
that turns to salt
without you.
Author notes
Prompt took me a lot farther than it was probably meant to. So, sorry if you don't like it/don't think it fits.
FAT CAT BLUES
my best prewrite.
option 5. sad poem.
A contest entry
- prewritten contest for group "So you want comments" by serenity silvermoon.
400 points, ended February 3, 77 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Love and hope....poems from the heart by XxEmo-SkittlezxX.
400 points, ended February 5, 18 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - A Year. by alexandra..
900 points, ended February 17, 42 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Write me anything!!! by Lazy.
700 points, ended February 22, 20 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Any Poem Welcome by jayyniecakes..
1158 points, ended February 16, 188 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - HEY! ENTER THIS! SO MANY PROMPTS!!!!!!!!! by Heroesrox.
950 points, ended March 1, 26 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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It makes me think of a special person that used to be normal and you are taking care of them. I like this, but there is a saddness to it. Very great write. Probably my second favorite thing that I have ever read on this entire website-EVER! Thanks so much for a brilliant share! Thanks for entering my contest!
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I love this but it's too long to fit in the book... sorry
Elizabeth -
i love this.
and i have nothing more to say, but amazing, and fantastic job -
holy f^%$ this is amazing!
FINALIST! -
i like this. I've been reading AN AMERICAN NIGHT by JIM MORRISON. for some odd reason, bits and parts reminded me of his writing. I really like it. Keep on writing
-
Absolutely beautiful piece, thank you so much for entering! The imagery is so powerful, and simply heartbreaking, I'm adding you to the finalists list. Just brilliant.
-Lena (Lazy's co-judge) -
: )
great poem here! I love the third stanza -
Fourth stanza, holy cow. This was such a brilliant story, with a great flow to it.
'I had a squirming red fish
in a plastic bag.
he had a big belly
and he gave me your laugh.'
That line was so inspiring.
~Cassie
-
I liked the way this poem was set up, and I like where you took the prompt. it was meant to provoke something like this.
some of the stanzas were so specific to one person that I found myself asking "well, why was he circling adverbs?" or questions like that. so your piece is definitely personal, and yet nonchalant and simple at the same time.
thanks for entering -
Woah,
I really loved this.
Wow, now I stand no chance in the mutal contests we're in. xP
Where to start.
I LOVED this:
"some nights I'd catch you
with your eyes fixated on
a certain constellation;
you never saw the stars for
their beauty, but for
their distinct positions in space,
turning imploding light
into formulas."
and this:
"I gently washed off your
fingers and face;
you scrunched up your nose
and said something about
the facial features of Greek gods,
how it was so unfair that they
were born with
powers and devilish eyes
and you couldn't even recite
the alphabet backwards."
Though the entire poem is so beautifully crafted and so wonderfully worded.
I loveeddd this.
Wow you're so frickin talented.
-
I think after reading this I can link it more, I recognise the parts that go to the piece I read first. Again your words astound me. Welcome to the group, you want certain poems commented stick them on the list, I check it every day. Also have a contest open at the moment for this group =)
Laura
-
AMAZING!!!
It's so sad yet adorable.
You're so incredible, this is most definitely a new favorite by you.
"I gently washed off your
fingers and face;
you scrunched up your nose
and said something about
the facial features of Greek gods,
how it was so unfair that they
were born with
powers and devilish eyes
and you couldn't even recite
the alphabet backwards."
♥
-
A few suggestions:
"turning imploding light
into formulas."
-- I think you need a stronger word then "imploding" it just doesn't... click.
"I had put pickles in a jar where
goldfish were already swimming.
you blinked anxiously, ready to
unshackle the poor orange darlings"
-- I think it would flow better if you took out the period and replaced you with and.
In the second last paragraph, I feel you need to re-phrase it so that you isn't at the end, because it took away from the phrasing of the very last line where you have "you" at the end. It sounded too repetitive.
*
I loved the story. It had a great background to it... and the emotion portrayed was very subtle, but strong - I could feel the relationship brewing throughout the write.
The imagery in the third stanza was really powerful for me. It just felt real, simple and strong.
I loved your name for the Goldfish - that just made me laugh 
Well done!
-
this is a really cute and sad poem. I love it
-
their beauty, but for
their distinct positions in space,
turning imploding light
into formulas.
-Well that line is unbelievable beautiful.
I wish the ink really was red--
-Okay i am a little confused by this line...
but good overall. -
oooo
i love
it was all such a lovely story and you told it so well
really actaull like it
its amazing
i really love the wya that you started it it
it gave me this sense of want ing to read it right way
=]]
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