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If only rain were warm.

Missing image

Rain -drops- from eyelashes,

skies tears fall, pitter patter

of Her applause to Her own audience

the road.

Standing in the night feeling for

the first time, chill wind whip through

to my bones-

           cutting deep but drawing no blood.


Muted, stumbling almost as a curtain of

rain hails from grey blankets.

Water crawling through my clothes, acting

like an adhesive to my skin.

The chore of taking in air -

making my throat raw.

Anguish and confusion

hard to abate, collapsing in a

doorway with nowhere to run-

wind becomming angrier, thrusting

cold breath across my dripping form.

Possessed by shivering, weighing heavy

with wet clothes.

                   End of the road.


A colour cold enough to almost

make blue. Purple lips, not quite

bruised.

Motionless sleeping, through violent

storms

        - If only rain were warm.

Author notes

Some of my description here i've thought of before and have written down on scraps but never built it, whislt a moment ago i was sitting, yes sitting, in the shower and words started to fix. this is what i got.

In a list

A contest entry

What did you think?

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Comments

1 - 53 of 53

  • Howl- gold member
    November 2
    Edit | Reply
    absolutely enchanting! such vivid imagery. you have a gift with words, truly.

    cheers,
    howl-


  • Poison Blood
    July 5

    Edit | Reply
    This write...from the first stanza I was rushed with such a cold emotion, it made my heart chill. Very very excellent write, the best one I've read so far.


  • Miss Faerie Greeters member
    July 1

    Edit | Reply

    Thank you for your entry

    There are some really amazing, beautiful thoughts in this. The piece is intricate and gorgeous and it shows that we really do think more then we ever say.

    The chore of taking in air, making my throat raw. That's amazing.

    Thank you for entering my contest and good luck
    Shari

  • TheGiftofAnonymity
    June 20

    Edit | Reply

    Very well-done

    It is obviously none of my business... but you really draw inspiration from the shower, don't you? *Lol, I sit in the shower also. I like a good massage...* and yes, this often leads to a message!

    One suggestion for the second line of this poem: "skies" is plural. I think you want possessive. "Sky's." Otherwise, a high-quality poem you have here.

    (And sorry for the bad joke!*)

    • morgana raven Greeters member
      June 20
      Edit | Reply
      Haha It is quite alright, most of my inspiration does come while I'm showering I just sit and think and it just comes easily. Yeah you may be right there, thank you and thanks again for the comment


  • godless
    June 5

    Edit | Reply
    nice use of adjectives and imagery here. you describe a rainstorm very well and detailed. I've noticed myself the way rain feels a lot like crawling fingers beneath your clothes and the pitter patter of applause was excellent in description and in alliteration. 'acting like an adhesive' I tohught might benefit from changing 'like' to 'as' giving it a softer sound and a bit of sound play the 'acting' sound. this would be very powerful within a minimalistic approach. to condense the words and intensify the power in this would be skillful and produce a very fine poem, I think. maybe a revision as a separate poem? I, for one, would love to see it.


    • morgana raven Greeters member
      June 6
      Edit | Reply
      I might try and do that actually thank you for the comment and I'll let you know if I write it up ^^


  • The.poet.of.hearts
    April 7

    Edit | Reply
    I would have given gold
    it was so special, warm rain
    ahh, wish it was...
    but yes it..
    is

    all the time..
    tears, pain, sadness
    nothing more

    by
    the poet of hearts and beautiful words


  • Brlsbb
    March 20

    Edit | Reply
    "skies tears fall, pitter patter" love this..
    "the first time, chill wind whip through

    to my bones
    " many beautiful lines within this poem
    i love it good rain imagry it is one my my favorite rain pomes...


  • Veronica Leigh
    March 5
    Edit | Reply
    Really interestingly done. I love how you write with such freedom.


  • stepbystep
    March 1

    Edit | Reply

    ohmygosh!

    this is outstanding.
    i love the line 'cutting deep but drawing no blood.'
    wow. i am amazed. never stop writing!

  • jleeb
    February 27
    Edit | Reply
    Many thanks

  • jleeb
    February 26
    Edit | Reply
    hi , could you explain the meaning with skies in it as opposed to like . I'd appreciate your views on the differences as you see it. With regard to the blood thing i was not being literal. To me it said the same thing just in a different way, but a little clearer for me. How do you see the differences ?

    • morgana raven Greeters member
      February 26
      Edit | Reply
      If you say 'like' then is is likening rain dropping from eyelashes like rain falling and that isnt what i imply. It is skies tear fall to convey the rain. the raindrops from eyelashes and not being compared to rain, but it is showing how rain falls. The way you said 'chill wind cutting deep, drawing blood' the latter half of the sentence says drawing blood, which shows drawing blood, when I said drawing no blood, which is what I mean, its so cold that you can feel it almost cut through to bones but youdont bleed, the way you said it simply doesnt imply this effect at all =/ Hope thats more clear.

  • jleeb
    February 26
    Edit | Reply
    Hi there, i changed 'skies' to 'like' and the ending 'chill wind' etc, i changed to 'chill wind cutting deep, drawing blood' I know yours is alot better and more complex but for me simplicity for a simple mind :-)

    • morgana raven Greeters member
      February 26
      Edit | Reply
      hmm =/ changing the skies to like completly changes the meaning of my sentence >: and you changed it to drawning blood... when my sentence is drawing NO blood =/ its not really the same poem if you change that... either way, thanks for reading the rest of it even if you had to simplify the first bit, let me know if there is an explanation I can give you so you understand it the way i wrote it.
      =)

  • jleeb
    February 24

    Edit | Reply

    Nice one

    At first i did'nt get it then i read some of your own comments and it all became clear. I did changed around some of the words in your opening section. I do apologise for this but it helped me visualise it better. I really enjoy your work.


    • morgana raven Greeters member
      February 24
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you for the comment. Which bit did you need to change to understand it?


  • Threnoidia
    February 24

    Edit | Reply
    well if its the shower you were in and you were cold then you should have made it hot water. hahahah. i am impressed w/ your diction and the imagery is great for the expression you got across, atleast to me. did you know that when it rains with the sun out, not shadowed by clouds that the rain is warm and relaxing? its rare but it happens :

    • morgana raven Greeters member
      February 24
      Edit | Reply
      haha no the shower was very hot thats what made me think of the title, thanksa lot for the comment´=D much appreciated ^^


  • seven
    February 23

    Edit | Reply
    Hmmm, I don't know...

    there are parts of this that are really good, but there are a few parts that I thought were somewhat hackneyed. No, I -know- are somewhat hackneyed.

    Rain -drops- from eyelashes,
    skies tears fall, pitter patter

    The whole rain/tears things has been done so many times that it is beyond count. But--!

    of Her applause to Her own audience
    the road.

    well, that's something fresh and new--and brilliant. You see what I'm saying? The first stanza suffers from this the most. With the rain/tears, chilled to the bone ideas and phrasing. The rest of the poem is pretty solid.

    • morgana raven Greeters member
      February 23

      Edit | Reply
      the first bit isnt about tears... the 'rain -drops- from eyelashes' was supposed to be able to read either rain drops/ from eyelashes or rain/ drops from eyelashes. It is literally talking about rain falling across someone. The only mention of tears was as rain coming down but it isnt a referenace to someone actually crying. The chill wind whip through to bones is actually being cold. This poem is somewhat a story of a girl in a storm with no home. the end she dies of pneumonia. Hope this changed your view slightly, if not then I have screwed up my point somehow and need to reword if people are getting the image you got. Thank you for the comment otherwise =)

      • seven
        February 23
        Edit | Reply
        no, i know. but you called the rain 'the skies tears' which is still that same comparison. That's what I meant.

        And yeah, i understand the meaning behind 'the chill wind whips through to bones' meaning she is just plain cold. People say it all the time. That's what the word hackneyed means. People use the expression 'to the bones' to mean x goes really deep.

        "I was chilled to the bones"
        "His words cut me to the bones"
        it's even in the bible, "the word of God separates the bone from the marrow."
        Goes deep.

        At some point in history, this was a fresh and new idea. But now, it's a cliche.

        Really though. It doesn't ruin the poem. It's still a great piece. I just thought it could be even better, is all.

        • morgana raven Greeters member
          February 23
          Edit | Reply
          I know what the word Hackneyed means =) People do use that expression all the time, I am aware. I didn't add it to the poem to read cliche it was a simple way of expressing how cold it is. I did try a number of ways but the flow didn't work the same. Thank you for your time and effort in commenting I really do appreciate it this comment reply isn't supposed to be annoyed or anything at your response to it, critical commenting is much more valued. Any suggestion on how to improve is also welcome. Thanks again.


  • Ayreon Knight
    February 21

    Edit | Reply

    Really Now

    Well I must say I have missed out on the evolution of your work my dearest friend. This is a wonderful piece and very moving great job. I love it. "Motionless sleeping, through violent storms." Reminds me of how sleep rids me of worldly troubles. No dreams just dead silence. Even when there is screaming in the next room over. Nothing matters. Thank you so much for sharing this.


  • Kp.s
    February 12

    Edit | Reply
    Your first stanza was quite impressive- you have a very specific style that I very much enjoy. I thought the way you used the layout to your advantage, end with a powerful line of explanation, was very effective.

    This part stood out for me:
    "of Her applause to Her own audience
    the road."
    Just something about that sentence, the honesty, was moving. I thoroughly enjoyed your poem.
    You have a true talent for gripping the reader and sucking them in, giving them just enough and yet leaving them wanting to read more. Excellent!
    All the best and thank you for entering,
    KP


  • goat1826
    February 10

    Edit | Reply
    Nothing like sitting in the shower
    to jolt the muse into action
    Very good poem
    Hope you weren`t eating your
    dinner thee too lol


  • fake-or-real-smile
    February 8
    Edit | Reply
    Cor someone's popular....21 comments on this!

    Great write missy.

    X


  • oceanbluize
    February 7

    Edit | Reply
    ummm big words? Anguish? Adhesive? In all seriousness not to be mean, these would be maybe the most difficult, and maybe sixth to seventh grade reading level sound about right Laura? Or is she maybe from a foreign country...? I don't know.

  • oceanbluize
    February 7
    Edit | Reply
    this is quite beautiful, and mimmicks lonelyness and pain. That is so, well it has happened to me as well, when a poem will just come out of the blue whether it's like you said, in the shower. Driving down the road, the worst if its a long drive, becasue you tend to forget. At the supermarket. But I love the poem through and through. And this is non-biased even-though you are one of my favorite poets ever on AP. Congratulations on your trophy wins.
    Love and serenity always,
    John

    • morgana raven Greeters member
      February 7
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you very much for the comment =) welcomed as always =D and I don't know if she is from a foreign country or anything =/


  • TheMistakenTruth
    January 28

    Edit | Reply
    ....I found that the big words were a little forced. But heck man. this was splendid, i loved it very much. Very well done. I liked the way you wrote it to..the style.


    • morgana raven Greeters member
      January 28
      Edit | Reply
      0.o I didn't use any big words... well I don't think I did. Haha, thanks for the comment either way ^^

  • phoenixonfire
    January 26

    Edit | Reply
    This poem is perfect!! I am sucker for vivid imagination and your poem quenches my thirst for it! Well imagined and created!! There is a smooth flow of words just like the fall of rain!! Rain is associated with sadness usually but u have broken the cliches but personally I prefer rain to be cold( literally ) Fantastic work!!

    Thanks for entering and good luck!!

    ~Pri

    • morgana raven Greeters member
      January 26
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you very much for the comment =D haha the only reason I said if only rain were warm is because I was sitting inthe shower thinking about how warm it was then this poem came into my head =D Glad you like it, thank you for reading ^^
      Laura


  • Catie Sheeran gold member
    January 26

    Edit | Reply
    I really like this. alot.

    especially the last stanza

    awesome write!




  • Rhythm Child
    January 26

    Edit | Reply
    sweet jesus this is beautiful
    such a unique and compelling write
    full of everything i love in a poem
    i cant pick out a favourite part : /
    and the sitting in the shower note made me chuckle lol
    amazing poem
    you should be proud


  • drakostheron
    January 24
    Edit | Reply
    you truly are an incredible poet. the imagery and metaphor just flows from the page.


  • laimra
    January 24
    Edit | Reply
    nice.job.my middle name is rain....spelled rayn.im the wind and the rain.


    • morgana raven Greeters member
      January 24
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you very much for the comment. Rayn is a nice name...middle name


  • couldbeworse
    January 23

    Edit | Reply

    whoa

    imagery galore here. loved it.
    fav: Muted, stumbling almost as a curtain of

    rain hails from grey blankets.

    Water crawling through my clothes, acting

    like an adhesive to my skin.

    thats raw right there!!! great used of your talents in this piece!


  • TheSpiralGenerator
    January 23

    Edit | Reply
    Haha at your author's note... I've sat in the shower plenty of times. I really like your description in this and the imagery. And the background, it fits perfectly. Lovely write


    • morgana raven Greeters member
      January 23
      Edit | Reply
      Glad i'm not the only one who sits in the shower rofl. Thank you very much for the comment and applause ^_^


  • LittleLoverSoPolite
    January 23

    Edit | Reply
    wow, I love this. such imagery! Never did I think of this and the rain now will I hold in awe and wishful thinking... great write!

1 - 53 of 53