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Breeding Ground

When soldiers bled in war upon the mound,
the ground swallowed spectrum of the sun sound,
as fire set so still between night and day,
watercolors upon the sky astound.

 

What enmities these world's lesson allay,
standing the phenix commanding array
with starry wings fled set her feathers flight,

drowned the bleeding fire of the sun purvey.

 

Yellow shadows cast a speck cloak of night,
against all the purple of the earth's light,
many killed in the villa's breeding ground,
this painting of a winter dusk in sight.


 

 

 

 

 


Author notes

Prompt: Sunset
ten syllables corrected for the form rubaiyat.

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 6 of 6

  • Little Eagle Greeters member
    February 7

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    Thank you for your entry

    Everyone is doing such awesome jobs on this form. Its going to be hard to choose. This is a very somber poem. The dying soldiers, its a sunset on many different levels for this. The imagery of this and the intensity of the feelings makes me want to cry. It should not be this way, yet it is. I particularly liked your second line of the first stanza. The imagery of that is breathtaking and very powerful. As if the sun beating down on the hot desert, descimating all life. One misspeling, phenix is spelled phoenix, oky I just check dictionary.com and it is a variant spelling so I will accept that lol.

    The form was followed perfectly. Great job on the syllable count and your rhyme scheme was well developed and flowed well. Nice word usage as well. I had to look up a word but that is all the better.

    I encourage you to keep writing to read and comment.

    God Bless
    Tammy

    • saddie23
      February 7
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      Thank you

      Thank you so much. I never recieved a good review than you. I like the fact this was my first time doing this form that it was well deserving review that I recieved from you thanks again. Saddie23


  • untouched pages
    January 23

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    This write is so soo touching, I was really digging it untill the last stanza. I almost lost it. This touched my heart and soul with a personal meaning. Thank you so much for penning it. I belive the best part of this write is the last Stanza.

    ""Yellow shadows cast a speck cloak of night,
    against all the purple of the earth's light,
    many killed in the villa's breeding ground,
    this painting of a winter dusk in sight. ""

    This speaks so much of my heart feels.. thank you soo much for this write and I hope you win the contest!!

    ~*Cristy*~

    • saddie23
      January 23

      Edit | Reply

      Thank you

      Thank you for the wonderful comment given. When I wrote this I got my inspiritation on the movie Born on the 4th of July. I felt the pain of the soldiers durning the war and how it speaks volumes on the scarifice they went through. This was the first time doing this form for me. Saddie23

      • untouched pages
        January 23
        Edit | Reply
        Saddie.. being your 1st time i think you hit the hammer right on the nail. This is beautiful. I was engaged to a solder that was killed in Iraq, and it ment alot to me, becuase people don't really relize what they have to go thro when they are at war. Its hard on them.. thank you again!!

  • mmook
    January 23
    Edit | Reply
    well done

1 - 6 of 6