he tucked her into bed at night,
kissed her forhead and told her everything would be alright.
he told her that he loved her as he turned out the light,
her head on his pillow, her dreams already in flight.
she dreams of being with him as perfect as it would be,
he dreams of someone else, knowing she cant see,
she wants a perfect ending, like something in a fairy tale,
he used to love her, he had no intention of letting it fail.
she loved him so much she wished he would commit,
he didnt know what to do, he once thought she was it,
she didnt see it comming, her love was quite blinding,
his attachment to her was unwinding.
every now and then she caught him being guarded,
and his poker face he accidently discarded.
she cried so often, she suspected the worst,
his answers to her questions seemed rehearsed.
she ignored his slips the best she could,
he was suprised she didnt react the way he thought she would,
she didnt say anything about it,
he was wrong but didnt want to admit.
she let it go for so long,
he didnt know she was so strong,
she finaly let it out one night,
he really didnt want to fight.
she broke down and let it go,
he held her tight and let her tears flow,
he promised her his love forever,
she gave him her heart, she didnt want it back, never.
he tucked her into bed that night,
kissed her forhead and told her everything would be alright.
he told her that he loved her as he turned out the light,
her head on his pillow, her tears reflected bright.
she dreams of being with him as perfect as it has felt,
he dreams of someone else, knowing he hurt her his heart did melt,
she wants a perfect ending, like something in a fairy tale,
he still does love her, he has no intention of letting it fail.
even if it takes all he has, and a lifetime of amending
he will give her, a fairytale ending,
the one she always dreamed of,
the only thing she ever showed him was love.
Author notes
this was just something i came up with, running thru thoughts in my head trying to get everything out,
In a list
whatcha think?
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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Spelling and punctuation
I think you have chosen lower case, so there is not much to say about punctuation.
Re spelling: It is 'forehead' with an e. Then all the cant and donts need to be can't and don't. I would have it poker-face, with a hyphen. It should be 'accidentally' and 'surprised' with an 'r' before the 'p'. Well, you did ask! But don't let worries about this stifle your creative talent. You can begin with the thing as it comes to you, and then polish it up afterwards. And don't be thinking that there is some big mystery to this grammar business. There isn't;just one or two basic rules, easily mastered -
This was so beautiful and wonderfully written poem. I loved the whole story, again beautiful write, great writing!
Blessings,
~Michaela~
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That was very well written! Reminded me of a dream I had, I wanted to hit the guy that I can imagine would be much like the one in your poem here. But in your poem he decides to treat her right in the end. And thats the way it should be! Your last stanza was amazing. And I loved the whole "he said, she said" type deal. Nicely done!
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It was a very nice down-to-earth story. The spelling and punctuation ruined it a bit though. The flow was disrupted because I kept stopping while reading and thinking "That's not right." The idea behind it and the poem itself was very moving though. I enjoyed it.
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thankyou for the nice comment
could you please tho give me examples of the spelling and puncutation... a few people have told me this but im not sure i see what you mean.... i am will to look at it again and fix the suggestions if you could give me some thank you again for the coment
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I meant like typing "didn't" instead of "didnt" or spelling "finaly" with two l's. Aside from the conjunctions, it's actually really good. It was my pleasure to compliment you.
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Wow, that is so good. I love it =)
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simply amazing
perfect
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very sweet
This is quite well worded, i like the rhyme as it just fits but not quite, a little like the relationship you describe and the love that isnt quite right. Beautifully done duck.
I think alot of people can relate to this theme and see a message within it that sometimes we shouldnt pretend things are ok when they are not.
xx great piece xx
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Is it real?
It seems heart-felt alright, and nicely worked as a narrative. Spelling rather wonky here and there, and metre could be tidied up to bring the tale and emotions out.
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and yes this was a situation kind of.... more hypothetical and me jsut being paranoid but yes....;
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thankyou for the nice comment could you please tho give me examples of the spelling and puncutation... a few people have told me this but im not sure i see what you mean.... i am will to look at it again and fix the suggestions if you could give me some thank you again for the coment
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superb piece!!! i absolutely loved to read it. you have great skills with words and the emotions just touches as you read on. the repetition at the end adds to the charm of the poem all the more. once again, loved it!!!
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This write was really amazing. I don't know how to describe it. Extremely heartfelt and I think you did a marvelous job.
Keep it up :]
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so
beautiful -
wow...this is...really good..great job
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Wow
I really love this poem... youre such an amazing poet. I can feel the emotion all throughout this piece and it brought tears to my eyes. Keep up the great work and keep on writing.... :-) <3
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thank you love.... i dont think im amazing but im workin on it.... it brought tears to my eyes as i was writing it lol...
thank you <3
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