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drawn under

drowning beneath this

current
fighting not to sink
fighting to see

the sun
my sun again
can't break the
surface, ice too thick

the sun, my sun

gone
i'm sinking
with no will to fight
anymore
and let this current
take me

Author notes

any better now?

any better now?

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Comments

1 - 10 of 10
  • evelynxxoo
    February 16
    Edit | Reply

    so true are your words people do give up and just like you describe ice to thick almost as if neary impossible to be saved great write


  • TornAsunder
    February 16
    Edit | Reply

    good write

    Simple, too the point, well written. It may be a little too short though. I don't have time to make an emotional connection, thus no emotion is evoked. A few more words, maybe one more line, just to give us a link to who or why. Just opinion of course, if it helps great, if not please disregard it.
    Best wishes


  • nobumagawaX
    February 15
    Edit | Reply

    wow!!

    this was realy good!!..simple and deep...verry nice!! i realy liked it!!!!


  • Shya
    February 13

    Edit | Reply
    The last two lines are powerful... great impact you have there. The poem flows very well, although the repitition of the "sun" seems sometimes forced or unnecessary. Instead of saying that the ice is too thick, which is confusing when you also paint the picture of wild waves, you could consider talking about how cold the water is, or how great the water pressure is that's pushing you down. Good in its simplicity as well. =) Shya


  • Gagiikwe
    February 13

    Edit | Reply

    Caught in the ice

    Mixed metaphors: sorry, but I have difficulty reconciling thick ice and waves. Ice with no waves -OK. Waves with slush and no thick ice - OK.
    Waves and iceberges - OK. But please don't mix waves and thick ice - it doesn't happen. Even metaphorically.


  • NickBlaze
    February 12

    Edit | Reply
    The flow adds to the desperation of the poem. It is simple, but it was meant to be. Th elack of good grammar may also have been employed to add to the erratic, desperate attempt to fin the speaker's sun again.

    "fighting no to sink" seems to have a typographical error in it. "fighting not to sink" or "fighting to not sink" are suggested corrections.

    It is a fine poem. It is something that could be considered angst, something I abhore, but I did not abhore this. Good job.


  • xxUnSpokenxx
    February 12

    Edit | Reply
    I have to disagree i think that the simplicity of it is what makes it good. Its strait its good i think ^_^


  • daemonfae
    February 12
    Edit | Reply

    ok?

    I agree. This will be a great piece with some work. Elaborate please


  • SandhyaSuri
    February 12
    Edit | Reply

    Needs plenty of work

    The flow is erratic.
    Spelling typo in line 3
    I am not so sure why the emphasis is on the 'sun' but they don't work to enhance the flow or the message you wish to convey.
    Would suggest you visualise what you want the flow to be and then see where the prompt takes you.
    I am sure you can work on this. I see promise lurk somewhere.


  • myron silver member
    February 12

    Edit | Reply

    slight


    This poem doesn't really work for me. It seems to be too slight - all that is happeining is somebody is drowning. Not only that, but it's an anonymous person. We are not told the circumstances and there is no real reason given to me so that I can care about this drowning.

    It reads like a quick, early draft, so I hope you do more work to it.

    Best wishes,
    Myron



    Typo alert:

    fighting no to sink

1 - 10 of 10