I'm the tear that fell
when you were hurt
I'm the mirror you broke
In a state of rage
I'm everything you've
carelessly let go.
You're the blanket I clung to
when I was a kid
You're my favorite song
I'd play over and over again
You're everything I
Never wanted to let go.
We're a rythm and
the lyrics with them
We're the moon and
the stars that shine alongside
We're everything together...
But you let it go.
A contest entry
- Abandonment by Sgt. Pepper.
550 points, ended May 17, 2009, 37 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
I really want some feedback on this one.. You think it's good?
Comments
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very well written, very cleverly done.
the first stanza is the most effective in my opinion.
but my favourite line is
I'm everything you've
carelessly let go.
well done, you have captured a lot with this poem.
thank you for entering and good luck in my contest
alex
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Aw.. this is... strangely beautiful. The metaphors you've used are lovely so you create a feeling of happiness although ultimately it's a sad poem.
Love it
x x x -
i do like it.. it makes sense.. im still ajusting to the no rhyme..i do like it tho.. maybe the 2nd to last line would do better as we were instead of we're..it might flow better..thats like the only part.. i like it =]
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Wow this is really good and well written, keep it up.
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