Another drink
to numb the pain
Burns down your throat
Releases strain
Another hit
Distorts your mind
Forget your cares
Make your heart blind
Another cut
releases stress
Look at your wrists
You're such a mess
Another day
No food inside
Your goal is: Thin
Hunger won't subside
Another line
that you breathe in
The feeling crawls
across your skin
Another shot
Up in your skin
Your favorite high
Is heroin
Another pill
You take at night
Just lay down
Turn off the light
Another thing
You hold onto
Whatever helps
to get you through
A contest entry
- prewritten contest for all by serenity silvermoon.
490 points, ended January 30, 90 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
I really want some feedback on this one.. You think it's good?
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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I know this addiction. Message is strong. presentation is clear. I think the second to the last line is supposed to be...
What ever helps...rather than Whatever helps
but I could be wrong. nice solid pen
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You varied the cliché on this poem and also beat the curse of forced, deadbeat writing. Not only can I relate, your emotions shine through the poem. I especially like this line "Another thing
You hold onto
Whatever helps
to get you through"
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Congratulations on winning a trophy in serenity silvermoon's contest! There is an awful lot of subject matter wrapped up in this one poem. Personally, I think it would have been more effective if you had just picked a few serious conditions rather than running the gamut. But I think you were trying to speak to a number of different readers and for that I commend you. The style of the poem itself is clean but there could have been more emotion and imagery infused into it. However, I think that you were writing from more of an observer's point of view and that can deduct emotion by its very aspect.
Nonetheless, thank you for sharing your talents!
-Bean Sidhe -
Wow
This is one of the deepest writes I've read in such a long time. You describe so much here and it's not really long. I believe there is at least one thing that everyone can relate to here. Wonderful job with this write! -
*sigh* wow... powerful. Another one I can relate to, especially these 3 verses:
'Another cut
releases stress
Look at your wrists
You're such a mess
Another day
No food inside
Your goal is: Thin
Hunger won't subside
Another line
that you breathe in
The feeling crawls
across your skin'
and the first one actually. Really well done, I'm sure there is something in this that everyone can understand and relate to.
x x x
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soo im glad that you dont do half of these things...i love how ppl think that poems always have to be from ur view =] my colby is smarter than that.. good write..
i like how you included so many different things..dark and emo..as usual..very very good.. i like this one alot... -
It saddens me deeply that so many people fall into the trap of believing these lies. They are stuck in a mind set that these are the only things that can relieve their problems. Sure, maybe they can temporarily, but ultimately the pain comes back, usually with the added hatred you hold towards what you're doing to yourself.
Keep your chin up. Things don't stay bad.
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