Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

A Path to the Ocean

The long wooden pier
looms before me
a pathway into the sea.

Thunder rages
lightning illuminates the cloudy sky
a contrast from the dark twilight.

I step, barefoot
onto the sagging pier.
I can feel its age.

The splinters are nothing
my mind is far away
this is an escape from thought.

As I approach the end,
I see the waves raging
they have a terrible beauty.

I fling my arms up to the sky
offering myself to the elements.
Lightning flashes.

I laugh as the rain washes down my face

and I
D
I
V
E
into the waves.

Author notes

7: http://k-9999.deviantart.com/art/A-way-to-the-END-80810360

pinksnowboots

3. Tempest
http://i42.tinypic.com/6id92f.gif

A contest entry

How can I make the poem better?

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 19 of 19

  • Nam
    April 3

    Edit | Reply
    Didn't really care for the form of the last verse, seemed off-putting compared to the sensibility of the rest of the poem. Other than the form of the last verse, I quite enjoyed reading this. A nice poem here.

    -Nam


  • Symphony
    February 20

    Edit | Reply
    I think you meant the title to be a path TO the ocean

    "I step, barefoot
    onto the sagging pier.
    I can feel its age."

    That part for me was the strongest, and most impacting section - 'i can feel its age' how wonderfully unique, and really giving LIFE to the pier -

    Loved the spelling of DIVE separate lines further down, gave the impression of going down, into the ocean's depths!

    Great job, thanks for entering


  • aanika
    February 6
    Edit | Reply
    no.

    thanks for entering.


  • heavenbird gold member
    February 4
    Edit | Reply

    no.


    Please wait for the other judges comment.


  • Slinky-milinky
    February 3

    Edit | Reply
    I disagree with the comment below me I think the "Lack of emotion" was the most emotional part, this whole write seems so lost and desolate, as if made numb by emotion. I found it very sad and really enjoyed it. thanks for sharing.


  • heavenbird gold member
    January 28
    Edit | Reply
    This is my personal comment for the catharsis rounds.
    Upon the closing of the contest, I will comment back with a 'yes' or 'no.'

    That being said, the first thing that stood out to me in this poem is the lack of emotion.
    Which is what we asked for the most of.
    You had some good imagery, and this poem shows potential, but the lack of emotion was distracting.

    I'll be back.


  • AbidoodleCullen
    January 25

    Edit | Reply
    How could I forget this write?
    Thanks for entering and good luck!
    <3 Abi


  • SandhyaSuri
    January 22

    Edit | Reply

    Has promise

    Hi,
    This is a promising poem and the picture painted is very vivid.
    I would recommend a bit of tightening. Try to see if you can make do without too many 'I', 'the', 'is'
    Specifics:
    Lines 1,2,3 - perfect
    5,6 - see if you can tighten it - the flow is fine but you can omit some words and change the stance of the other words for more impact
    7,8,9 - you can make do with the 'I'and still make the movement happen with using an active continuous tense instead
    10,11,12 - see how it goes if you replace the 'are' with a comma in line 10 and omit 'is' from line 11 and omit 'this is' from line 12. See if it is more complete then with absolute flow and the meaning remains intact. Analyze if the stanza still conveys what you orginally wanted to express.
    Line 15 - try to see if 'they have a' replaced with 'of' feels better.
    Please do not change the verse just because I am suggesting so. Go through it, feel it. You wrote this with a feeling. Ensure that stays.
    My overall view - the imagery is vivid, I can feel the colours, the movement and the beauty of the scene you have depicted.


  • misshugglebugglez
    January 21

    Edit | Reply
    oooooooooooh coolio poem! i especially loved the ending with the "and I D
    I
    V
    E
    into the waves"
    awesome poem! good lucks in your contest! huggggggggglezzzz =)


  • Dragon Of Darkness
    January 20
    Edit | Reply
    very good another great read!


  • AbidoodleCullen
    January 20
    Edit | Reply
    This is AMAZING darling!
    GREAT write!
    Thanks for the pleasure!
    <3 Abi

    P.S.
    D
    I
    V
    E
    is fine


  • Jornada
    January 20

    Edit | Reply
    This is a bold walk!
    Sixth stanza, I think it is usually expressed as 'elements,' not 'element.' The word 'DIVE' probably looks uneven because a different amount of space is provided for each letter, because they are slightly different widths. You might try putting them all vertically:
    D
    I
    V
    E
    But maybe you already tried that. You could also do it like this:

    and I

    DIVE

    Into the waves.


    • pinksnowboots
      January 20
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks for your comment! I didn't notice the "element" typo. And actually, I think the plain vertical looks best. Thanks for helping me out!


  • TheSpiralGenerator
    January 20
    Edit | Reply
    What option is this for?

1 - 19 of 19