Constellations of delicate clockwork
pollute remnants of a broken soul.
---
Shattered stars
in ghostly hues of ivory define me,
chalk-skinned with
freshly erased destinies.
I’m guarded illusions
and expertly painted faces;
Disintegrating by the moment,
porcelain and false.
eggshells beneath crushed velvet bind me;
I am weakening faster than your heartbeat.
[my soul is threatening to permanently
fracture at any given moment.]
I am dry-iced bones
beneath hopeful claims of flesh,
potent misunderstandings
and contracting ribcages
quickly giving way,
because now,
nothing lies beneath them.
---
I'm filled with mechanized gears,
tangling within my lungs
and ripping through my chest.
I was never given the chance to be an "old soul",
for what I once naturally possessed
didn’t last long.
I was once shades of pinks;
fuchsias, dusty roses and maroons.
There was life in my bones,
and love was once breathed into my veins.
I was filled by translucence,
beautiful in it’s emptiness.
Now I am charcoaled ribbons;
frail and night-shaded.
I'm lowered expectations,
and dandelions blown and scattered
throughout ruins of a place
I once called home.
---
You used to core me
with “I love you”
and wear me down
telling me I was beautiful.
in a dimension of the subconcious,
you'd try to use sandpaper
to scrape into my soul;
you'd use myraids of off-pitch lullabies
and half-sided truths
in attempt to make me say three words
you so desperately wanted to hear.
You’d tell me that you’d love me for all time,
and you’d do whatever you could to fix me.
I left you with nothing,
only hollow words
and monotone expressions;
not giving you a single ounce
of half-hearted satisfaction.
“You don’t need to fix me,
after all,
I’m not broken.“
---
Pain finally succeeded in making me believe
it’s completely real;
Not simply an illusion used to gain
some sort of sympathy which
I’m now incapable of giving.
Agonized screams left traces of mechanics,
threatening to contort me into feeling nothing;
Leaving me bruised and numb and blackened by smokestacks
located somewhere in my lungs.
---
I am no longer fragile;
but made of buried strength,
caliginous night-beams,
shards of silver and gears replacing
what was once my heartbeat.
I’ve become the modernized soul;
Unchangeable;
Unbreakable;
Unstoppable
unbearable;
Numbed to the destination of a crumbling world,
reformed universally,
and forever tainted to imperfections.
After all, now I'm fixed.
[I preferred being broken.]
Author notes
This poem is metaphorically using the images of gears and mechanics to explain how you become 'robotic' when heartbroken.
http://allpoetry.com/angela.
Team 4:
variety: http://jesar.deviantart.com/gallery/
Group link: http://allpoetry.com/group/show/variety
- red violence up
- angeladowns
- seraphim shock
Picture chosen: http://jesar.deviantart.com/art/Souls-of-Tomorrow-48552524
Penumbra:
1 a: a space of partial illumination (as in an eclipse) between the perfect shadow on all sides and the full light b: a shaded region surrounding the dark central portion of a sunspot
2: a surrounding or adjoining region in which something exists in a lesser degree : fringe
For other contest, I used the song "Hello".
"Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken" is the line that stood out to me most. =]
A contest entry
- UNPLANNED: Round 2 by Never Fall in Love.
400 points, ended February 13, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Let Loose With Lowercase by lowercase prelude.
1600 points, ended February 8, 25 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - options. prewrites allowed. DO IT. =] by BrittlesSkittles.
1350 points, ended February 9, 17 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - want me to indulge you? okay, I will. by broken-colours.
1750 points, ended October 13, 149 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - AP X Factor 2 - Auditions by sideways hourglass.
550 points, ended February 27, 31 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What's your constructive criticisms and thoughts on my poem?
Comments
1 - 37 of 37
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This is great. I really like this. The emotion in this was so dark, and your poetic devices were great. I really liked the 4th stanza. Great job on this and good luck.
Josh
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Nice write. Definitely an interesting perspective here and I like how you worked the imagery. Nice write.
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not that my vote matters, but
yes.
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It does matter to meee. <3
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Yes.
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Thank you! <3
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Yes.
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thank you. <3
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I'll start off with the bad, because it is really minor and easy fixes.
I honestly didn't like stanza 5. The "eggshell" image has started getting cliche, and I think you could've come up with a stronger image to portray it.
I found the spacing between stanzas kinda randomly dispersed. Like there was no order between single spaces, double spaces, etc. I would just use single spaces when you are still on the same thought/concept and double spaces when you are transitioning into a new thought/concept/image for this piece...
Besides these things, this is my favourite write from you yet in the contest. The images, the descriptions and the emotions were all very raw, yet abstract, at the same time... it made them seem and feel more real and more powerful.
It was lengthy, but most everything contributed to the piece, and it kept my attention throughout...
Finally, the overall concept/metaphor was brilliant and powerful. I felt a lot of your own personal emotion from this piece, felt rapped up in your turmoil...
Excellently penned.
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"I'm filled with mechanized gears,
tangling within my lungs
and ripping through my chest."
-wow.
"you'd use myraids of off-pitch lullabies
and half-sided truths
in attempt to make me say three words
you so desperately wanted to hear.
You’d tell me that you’d love me for all time,
and you’d do whatever you could to fix me.
I left you with nothing,
only hollow words
and monotone expressions;
not giving you a single ounce
of half-hearted satisfaction.
“You don’t need to fix me,
after all,
I’m not broken.“"
i can relate to that completely -- and the imagery in the first stanza of that part i pointed out was perfect.
and i'm not a fan of copying and pasting a huge portion of the poem....but this was rather long. it was just easier for me.
& that dumb comment below about it not being "dark enough" ... screw that! honestly. This is excellent, and emotionally, this was very dark. I guess that judge was expecting some emo gory shit that means nothing.
i'm just gonna shut up now. lol
this is amazing. i felt this.
you'll do well this round, no doubt.
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Oh my gosh, thank you so much.
That coming from you is really really awesome; you're an astounding poet yourself.
I hopeee I do well. Hopefully not the bottom this time. xP
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it's a little long. I don't really like the ending that much--I'm looking for something darker
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By the way, nice picture choice. I also like how you chose to ignore the title of it.
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wow. wow. wow.
Quite honestly, I am surprised and shocked and happy at the same time. You had no help at all [from the group, that is] yet this is your best entry so far into the contest.
The most surprising part is that when I say best here, it is a large improvement step compared to the others. An absolutely stunning transformation.
Now back to reality. There are a few nitpicks and forgive me if I seem to pont them out more in yours and anyone' else's poems as this has huge potential to become perfection.
So even though I didnt really want to sit writing so much, i begin:
The second part that starts with "shattered stars" - I really don't like the layout of it. It's two lines pe tanza which seems intentional but doesn't do anything for the flow. Line breaks are normally used for emphasis, but here it's as though you used it for pattern instead and so emphasis is placed on the weaker areas - which spotlights them even more.
"You used to break me
with “I love you”
and wear me down
telling me I was beautiful."
- 'break' and 'wear down' are too often used, generally. Maybe if you could come up wit better words. Also, you repeat 'break' and its family throughout the poem which doesnt do anythign either [break, broken, etc]
"yard sale sandpaper"
- i think you'd do better without 'yard sale'
Also, when you read this section of the poem, it sounds repeated. I know, it isn't. But I'm thinking it has something to do with all the you's.
Like, it mainly goes
"you used to break"
"you tried to use"
"you'd use off-pitch"
"you'd tell me"
in that order. And now,writing it down, i realise there's a lot of the word "use" as well.
"I left you with nothing,
only hollow words
and monotone expressions"
- excellent.
"Pain finally succeeded in making me believe
it’s completely real;
Not simply an illusion used to gain
some sort of sympathy which
I’m now incapable of giving."
- it's very wordy and tells everthing, we need you to show us the feelings.
"I am no longer fragile,
but made of buried strength"
- again, amazing.
"caliginous hollows, "
- you've used 'hollows' already. It sticks out.
"and unbearable;"
- no 'and'. The continuation is pleasant without it.
I think you really need a stronger ending, which will do justice to the rest of the poem.
Overall, really good.
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Thanks so much!
Told you I'd try to bring it. :]
I hope to continue improving, and will give you my absolute best as long as I'm included in this contest. :]
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This was amazing
It took the reader on a journey of emotions and imagery
and had them wanting more
Great work -
oh my god!, no trophy yet? wow! jeez! well i dont mind the length, so long as it can entangle my heart and yep it did in so much i wana go crazy xD.. tho the form bugs me, but just me!.. anything goes long as its beautiful and it really is duhhh.. this is so mellow, so wonderful, so solemn, so touching, i feel so ecstatic, so alive, so obsessed, i wana plagiarize this LOL, thats just how epic this is for me. almost every line is quote-worthy.. omg just the whole thing is magnific!
a weaving of words that has been touched by your emotions and can dance in a reader's mind...
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Thanks so much! :]
Any suggestions on the form? -
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i dunno, for me i just try to make my pieces look neat, not saying that yours isn't, its fine. it feels "for me" that something is kinda missing, but dunno its just me so i may be wrong.. again a wonderful write ;>
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chalk-skinned with
freshly erased destinies
-These lines seem so innocently purged of sin.
eggshells beneath crushed velvet bind me;
weakening faster than your heartbeat,
-LOVEE that bit. Absolutly love it.
I was never given the chance to be an ‘old soul’,
for what I once naturally possessed
didn’t last long.
-again this is a great perception.
Now I am charcoaled ribbons
-really beautiful imagery.
Okies, i don't know how to refer to it as but the fourth (---) broken bit was heartbreakingly hopeful. I feel like the world should shine with sharp diamonds now. excellent.
I’ve become the modernized soul;
-honestly. I wish i could think like you do. Your words are so perfectly formed it makes my eyes fill with tarnished green envy.
OH MY GOSH; I love, love, love the end.
I don't know why on earth you need comments to tell you this is unbelievable because you should know it's just breath-takingly magnificent
You need a trophy badly!!
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i don't know how you come up with such beautiful metaphors! "charcoaled ribbons" is my favorite.
so much imagery and emotion. i read it twice and i was overwhelmed both times but in a possitive sense. you made my mind think. i appreciate that. the prompt was well considered and thought out. beautifully done.
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Thank you! =]
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I would rework this a bit to remove some of the "I'm" or "I am's" it becomes redundant and that is just a shame because you have some really well written images.
And I would also play with the lines and stanzas and length. I think in places it is drawn out - still, it is very good -
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Thank you!
Any particular issues that you could help me tweak?
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"Now I am charcoaled ribbons;
frail and night-shaded." That was gorgeous.
Wow.
No wonder this is one of your poems you're satisfied with -- I absolutely loved it!
The theme throughout of fixing yourself into something mechanical to avoid heartbreak was so clever and captivating! And the last line was stunning. It gave perfect closure.
Just... yeah.
This was really good.
:]
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Wow, this was amazing. I love the descriptions.
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Thanks so much! =]
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This was a poetic journey of emotion and life. This was fabulous. A great piece
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you took me on a ride of your life and i felt like i was there the whole time why you went through this. great desciption of the heart. and i like how you ended it
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I really loved this poem. It has so much description and imagery, and I don't know if it was the song I was listening to or what (some sad instrumental guitar), but this poem really reached out to me and was very sad. I loved the last line.
Nice write!
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fav stanza:
I am dry-iced bones
beneath hopeful claims of flesh,
azure misunderstandings
and contracting ribcages
quickly giving way,
Because now,
nothing lies beneath them.
great write!!!
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:P
I loved all of it and i loved how you put so much imagery and there are some good metaphors
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I think I looked at this before because i have played a game called penumbra overture at least i think thats what it was called, either way whilst reading i had a sneezing fit and almost coughed out a liver hence why no comment already, backstory established ill comment now rofl, I love the ending, I like your work, you are a very unique poet.
Great work again.
Laura
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This was interesting. I did like the comparison lines, but they kind of got old after a while. This piece was well-written, and I thought it was a good read. Excellent work and good luck in my contest.
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Things that make you go WOW
where do I begin with this piece??? First part....seriously like blew me away the imagery that you painted WOW:
I am shattered stars in ghostly hues of flushed ivory; I’m guarded illusions and expertly painted faces.
I’m eggshells beneath crushed velvet, threatening to permanently fracture at any given moment.
I am dry-iced bones beneath hopeful claims of flesh, I’m azure misunderstandings and contracting ribcages quickly giving way,
and then in the second part just knocked me on my face... because it hit so close to home and I've had people tell me that I'm an old soul even though I'm 23...
I was never given the chance to be an ‘old soul’, for what I once naturally possessed didn’t last long.
Third stanza is even better and the quote.....
“You don’t need to fix me, after all, I’m not broken.”
you couldn't be more so on the truth you're not broken and you're fine exactly the way you are...
The last stanza is rather sad, because despite your not being broken you ended up "fixed" in the end, and realizing
"I’ve become the modernized soul;
Unchangeable;
Unbreakable;
Unstoppable
and unbearable;"
you've just broken yourself...
Sad,
Such beautiful imagery and so much you have given in this piece i'm truly astounded and must say this is your best piece so far that I've read from you!!!!
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Thanks so much!
Do you think it related to the picture well?
I worked really hard on this, my last entry for the Unplanned rounds wasn't my best, so this time, I tried to bring it.
I'm so glad to hear you liked it. =]
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good job
Wow great job with this work,
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