i.
As a child there was one thing I always knew;
I hated dad
You use to cry in the claustrophobic halls of our trailer
What cleaver cunning, conning kids into pity
"Your father hit me!
He's a liar and a cheat"
The propaganda you paraded mama
The potential to be a politician was there
if only your future hadn't ended with me
A pregnant belly at 18
I suppose you had a masters degree, however
English was your thing
My vocabulary was immense with those vile words you taught me
and it was fine as long as I said them to daddy
I told him to "go fuck himself" at your command
Was I 5 when you crushed my hand?
You taught me "the middle finger"
What really stood out about that day was the mirror
It was one thing we could afford in those times and it caught my eye
I glanced at it, cradled and confused on your thumbtack lap
A baby's face distorted and obscured with terror stared back
That image was a snapshot photo framed in time
It embodied my childhood, stapled in my mind
Your noise was too much to bare
I was always twisted in terror it seemed...
though it was the peak of my beauty
for that timeless moment I became a masterpiece
you may know me as "The Scream"
Beauty can be quite the funny thing
As the pain grows, so does it's gleam...
ii.
As a teen there was one thing I always knew;
Dad's hate was misplaced
I was robbed of a father's love I cannot replace
Wasted years were unpawnable trinkets
and false hate was dried leaves tossed about in a baffled breeze
My friends taught me the better things
Sex, drugs, and rock and roll
It was my means of dealing,
twisting my reality with trippy things
like salvia and ecstasy and DMT
It was cut in stone, I was a mistake
Well, I knew it when you told me so
You favoured the drugs over my boyfriends
You favoured the drugs over me
You said you only feared me following your path to teen pregnancy
because "I had so many dreams"
as if you knew me...
Despite your "fear" I was a virgin mother at 12;
I took care of your kids,
a tent making attempts to protect unnerved campers
but all in vain for I'm too fragile to block out the reign
as violent as your terrible noise, a tornado astray
Helpless I witnessed history repeat itself
this time the eyes twisted in terror belonged to my siblings
You tried to turn us against each other mom
It only strengthened our bond
iii.
As a teen there was one thing I never foreseen;
The moment you'd finally snap
Grabbed dad by the ballsack
"Self defense..."
He wasn't after you...
Scrambled for your life into Josh's room
thought he'd keep you safe
That night I saw a grown man cry
Dad begged you not to hurt him
"He's only 8"
Silenced tears of a child
Promises of Disney World and dinosaurs unkept...
You were a banshee the next day
"You betrayed me, why didn't you save me?
If your sister were here, she would have..."
But she wasn't, mom
You were a cliché
The boredom you brought was unbearable
A magician with one trick and the crowd grew weary
You were soon rushed to the mental institute
to come back three weeks later good as new
A fresh released model just off the market
No bugs this time?
"promise"
The mother I never had
that's what you tried to be at least
It doesn't work without an apology
You choked a scoff
"An apology?"
iv.
As a teen there's one more thing I never foreseen;
Your unconditional love
of Jesus
In a frenzy, manically hazed, you glimpsed heaven
There were angels and one said he was your dead brother
Yeah, you had another thing to focus your life around
while you continued to forget us
Maybe it's better that way
if you forgot us...
less pain
Remember the last time you kicked me out?
I wouldn't pray...
You said if dad's lost and hurt then it's my fault
What would Jesus say?
You kicked him out mom
Don't pin this one on me
I can't blame him for leaving
That bastard, He's living my dream
A week later and he was back though
He was the skinny dog kicked too many times by it's owner,
abused and starved and still loyal
even knowing so much love, rightfully his, was fed to other men
(How Christian)
He was famished from the lack of scraps you threw him
You showed dad tough love
Everywhere you went you flaunted that body,
too tanned and bleached and skinny
Not only that but there was an ugliness to it
When you were a teen you were probably pretty
you can thank a lot of hard living for that
lost your luster
I had some luster of my own
and you loathed the thought
Your daughter was prettier than you
so you made me hate me too
I felt so ugly and ashamed
v.
As I am now, not quite adult, there's one thing I'll always know;
I'm hallowed out
and I'll never know my full potential
No one sees me smile
No one sees me cry
I lost my ability to love
I lost my ability to shine
I have no sense of worth
I have no self-respect
I lost them in your love
and I'll never get them back
I'm a pumpkin on Hallows Eve
You're the spoon carving out my seeds
and you know what's more pathetic than the games you play?
My everlasting pity
My love sick father had plenty of pleads prepared
"She was only following protocol
this was all she'd ever known
victimized by her own mother...
It was the depression
it got to her, I Swear..."
I often wondered if that's a legit excuse
coming from a man who shared my abuse
My friends would say things like
my bitter tongue towards you is a tad too much
I treat you so unjust and mean
believe me, I sometimes agree
it's all uncalled for
However, her tricks are new to them,
mezmorizing
They try to condemn me
"You're so saucy to her.
You should respect your poor mother.
You can't love anyone
if you can't love yourself first.
Do you have any respect?"
That's the day I realized
no, I don't...
care to know why?
Go ask her,
but I doubt she'll tell you
Author notes
I apologize for this epic beast of a poem, and there is reshaping and trimming to do.
My biggest problem with it is how it doesn't seem consistent. It seems scattered. None of the topics feel connected and it takes away from the poem... I could always lie and say I wrote it that way intentionally to show how crazy things were, and how scattered my life was, if you want to believe that. Also, I've been told the ending is weak. Any suggestions on how to improve it would be much appreciated.
However this is my abuse as raw as I can describe it. There are some detail I left out, but it's lengthy as is. I pretty much wrote the story of my life. This prompt has helped me vent a lot of issues that have been lingering on my mind. It has enabled me to release mildewing feelings left bottled, and they haven't aged like wine. I shouldn't have to make everyone aware who Edward Munch was, nor where the title came from. If I do, someone should be slapped. 
http://www.journeywithjesus.net/Essays/TheScream.jpg
Thank you, for this prompt. Locking these demons away into this lengthy write, it was refreshing.
- Those That Write From Experience group list • next in list
A contest entry
- Abused??? Let it known! Scream it out, tell the world about it. by starving-to-survive.
1700 points, ended February 3, 99 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Angry?!! Show me just how angry you are... by starving-to-survive.
1250 points, ended January 25, 89 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - [Contest] Wake up to Abuse - Prewrites Welcome by Miss Faerie.
700 points, ended February 8, 56 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Epic is right. I normally skip lines and can't read something so long but this kept me riveted in pain filled words and all the things you endured that no child should have to
Shari
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Thank you for the sympathy and the honorable.
I apologize for the terribly long poem.
I suppose it helped me. These experiences helped me be more empathetic. I've also picked up an inner lie detector.
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Wow, this is one hell of an emotional write. I agree that it is rather long, but i would not advise you change it. You can not shorten your emotions, you can not shorten your past, so why shorten the story of it?
This is a very powerful and intense piece. I was gripped by every word.
I am so sorry you have been though so much. I can really relate to some of the horror you had to endure.
Your words hit me very hard and crushed my heart. your life seems like a very hard place to live in....as is mine. If you ever need someone to talk to who kind of understands i am here for you.
Thank you so much for entering my contest. -
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I'm sorry you have had to endure any of this. However, pity is not something I search for, it is simply meant to be art. I'm glad you've felt the emotion I've tried to put into this poem. And thank you for the offer to talk, and it goes both ways. If you ever need anyone to confide in, you can take comfort in me, I'll lend an ear to listen. Good luck in the judging.
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OH WOW! I am speechless at the power of emotions you have let loose in this write. It is so sad to think that yet another child was abused and neglected so horribly. It is so important to work through these issues with a trusted person like a counselor. I know from experince that if you don't the memories will continue to haunt you. It never goes away completely but in my case it has gotten much better after years of hard work. Be kind to yourself and give yourself that gift of healing. Writing is also a great release and you have done a wonderful job of that here. This is very heartfelt and deeply painful. I commend you for being brave enough to write and share this. In the process, you never know who you may help. My story is on my author page if you are interested. I wish you all the best in life as you deserve it. Blessings, Patty
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Thank you for such kind words. It made my day. I never thought of it as a great write because of how lengthy it is. It sounds more like prose than poem. My French/Art teacher was a big help in my life. I was at a school dance and she offered me a drive home and we got to talking. She isn't teaching at my school anymore, but it helped release a lot of emotion. It's funny, because as it went on I never realized how wrong all of it was. It wasn't abuse, it was the normal life everyone else lead. Writing and sketching have been my best friend throughout everything. I wish you the best in life as well and will read your story asap :]
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Very moving... I wouldn't know what to do if my father, my foundation of unconditional love and nurture, was not that... there must be a certain dignity that only you can have to bare through this... I think you should leave it exactly like it is
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Thanks. It is probably my longest poem.
But it's definitely my most heartfelt one.
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