I worked into this:
raw fingers reach to strip
and I almost help
guiding tips
towards buttons and bows
and they take me
thrusting harder and more within,
flipping the lightswitch between
- me
on off on off
I hate them.
I hate them.
the dirty mattress is
inside a padded room
that just crampsred every month
[excuses excuses.]
you wait like a
patient lover,
always the gentleman -
I am a growling beast
panther-in-the-chains
strangling you by necktie
and letting you taste my claws;
you are a bird
- you are a bird
there are mirrors on the ceiling
so I can watch the way
your fingers work
in the reflection of my blurry eyes;
they are each branch of
nervous system, and
that is the reason you
are not in my blood:
each masturbated lovechild
screams and aborts itself.
~~~
Author notes
I feel like I'm being raped.
the prompt: http://enayla.deviantart.com/art/Into-Your-Eyes-17356333
'I basically need you to look inside yourself - what do you feel? Write me approx 35 lines. [5 line allowance]'
I was also aided by this: http://jessicarosa.deviantart.com/art/Fight-Off-Your-Demons-109909380
In a list
A contest entry
- Mental Asylum [INVITE ONLY] by Never Fall in Love.
1750 points, ended June 11, 25 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Mental Asylum [invite only] by Never Fall in Love.
1750 points, ended June 25, 7 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
of course that's how you're supposed to feel.
Comments
1 - 36 of 36
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This is TOO good
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this is probably one of the most rushing, personal, evocative poems i've read in a long time. I am just so surprised to read something like this from you and yet i am so proud of you too, the last couple of stanzas are yes, brave and just well, amazing and intense. i love it, this is really in a league of its own as far as subject matter goes, and of course your writing is always very well done and your poems are always presented in a pleasureful way to read.
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Probably one of the best poems written ever. Seriously. You amaze me, Cassie.
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Thank you so much, rooo
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B is for brave and bravo
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(I tried that floating comment box for the first time- it doesn't have clappies- the wicked thing, so here they are...)
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I do taste the poison in this piece- that rebellion against Mother Nature and her pre-programmed blind obeisance to anything having to do with reproduction... the "growling beast" captures the moment...
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i really liked this... consider removing "[excuses excuses]"?
and umm i don't like the indentations...
your poem is perfect by the way.... i think this will place...
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Excellent. What a wonderful self examination of the internal process -- the demons and angels of our nature, so to speak. Long ago people believed in being possessed by spirits, The Devil, whatever. More terrifying the knowledge that we are possessed only by ourselves. We are our own angels and demons . . . and sometimes the demons look like angels.
Your writing demonstrates a talent for revealing universal truths. Most people feel these things in their heart of hearts, but seldom talk about it -- in fact they try to forget about it. Repressing these things gives them greater power over us.
Thank you for sharing this.
Garrison
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"each masturbated lovechild
screams and aborts itself."
I love that. I love this. I can't even think of the words... just...w ow.
♣ Tegan
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I think the last few lines were really powerful. You used your words well.
Laura
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You asked for critical, so here it goes:
" - me
on off on off
I hate them.
I hate them."
-not only do i not like the punctuation, but the idea in general didn't work for me. perhaps i'm being picky.
"[excuses excuses.]" - seemed a bit tacked on. the poem could do without it. if you want the idea still in there, then perhaps rephrase. just not with the paranthesis, because it's distracting.
" - you are a bird" - the poem can do without the repetition, even though i understand your intention.
Perhaps by removing those little extraneous parts, you can pull the poem together tighter, and the thought and ideas will just flow, and will come together cohesively.
" you wait like a
patient lover,
always the gentleman -"
i thought that part transitioned the idea between being on your period to having sex...rather well. that is also why just removing "[excuses excuses]" [without even adding anything else] would be effective.
"I am a growling beast
panther-in-the-chains
strangling you by necktie
and letting you taste my claws;
you are a bird"
-i like your idea here, but i thought the "you are a bird" part came too suddenly. i understand the parallelism here, but i think there would be more balance if you elaborated on what he is. OR just take out "and letting you taste my claws" - because that part right there makes it bad parallelism, in my opinion. While you, the beast, are "devouring" him, then how is he, the bird, tasting your claws? it's a contradiction.
i think to solve this problem, you could take out "and letting you taste my claws".
not only would you get rid of a gerund [and the gerunds were excessive in that stanza, by the way.] but it would also get rid of a repetitive "you".
i could probably say a little bit more, but i think with some editing, you could smooth the rough edges.
the poem as a whole is excellent, even though the execution is a bit rocky. your technique is certainly getting better. i love to see that you are experimenting with assonance:
"I worked into this:
raw fingers reach to strip
and I almost help
guiding tips
towards buttons and bows"
- i thought the assonance of "ihh" sound was good in the "this/strip/tips".
Your poetry, in general, is definitely improving.
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Thanks, Tyler. It definitely came out in a burst last night and wasn't really edited. I'm going to re-write this and post it as a new poem (since this one right here is pretty personal
), but I like your ideas.
Thank youuu again
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Really good and powerful poetry - this one really pulls the reader in!
~ Nicolette
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Really good one. I like the imagery..
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I think I told you about my idea before... But this is what I wanted to write. To describe the inside of me.
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How is that the inside of you?
Are you really feeling this bad? -
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It's trying to get better. But I had a moment of trembling-remembrance, so I had to capture it so people could understand.
It's like rape, there's no consent to it at all. It just happens. -
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Ohhhh..I see what you're saying.
That whole rape scenario is just a metaphor for how you feel or used to feel. -
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Yes. I also have a lot of other inside-metaphors:
The last two lines are resembling bi-polar disorder. The 'lovechild' is the bad feeling and the 'abort'ion is the stability. But I said 'each' so that means there is more than one wave.
The clothing in the first stanza represent...kind of a nakedness about me. The demons, let's call them, know me. They're inside of me. They are me. So they know my soul naked.
I'm sure you know what the 'crampsred' is. Why I said '[excuses excuses.]' is because that is what people dismiss it off as.
But in the next stanza about the gentleman, I actually feel somewhat better during those times of the month...maybe because of hormone levels.
The panther and bird part is pretty easy; I'm trying to fight but it keeps flying out of my grasp.
I heard somewhere that eyes are the windows to the soul. So I put the mirror and eyes bit in there. 'blurry' is just how I see without glasses. Natural eyes.
The nervous system just seemed natural to put in there. It's how I 'feel' (though not one of the five senses kind). I wanted to write something about vines, but it wasn't quite right. So this is what happened.
And you know 'the reason you're not in my blood'. Stupid blood tests.
You know what masturbation is, and I said that because my body is doing this to me. Me.
I'm actually not sure that I like my title. But puking is what I feel like doing right now.
I'm not sure that you wanted to read this, but I really wanted to type this, and you're the person I want to see it.
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I'm glad to be here for you when you need it. You could really use someone in your life. I honestly don't know what to say. What you're feeling right now...it goes so deep. I can understand how you feel and even relate a bit, but I don't know how to make it stop. It's a long journey, but you can't do it alone. You already know that you need help. But you need to let yourself be helped.
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Thank you. I'm trying, I really am.
And as stupid or superficial it seems, that's why I brought up breaking up to Nick. Because I just can't lie anymore. I know what I want in a guy (you've read 'inamorato', my first prose piece), I know what I want to feel like, I know what I secretly want to do for the rest of my life. I have to achieve these things, not necessarily in that order, but I have to start stepping.
And realizing the exactness of the problem is the first step to solving it. -
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You're right. You know exactly what you want. And you're never going to get anywhere near it if you are just wishing for it to happen. You need to go out there and work for it.
That's also one of the reason that I thought you should stop with Nick. For yourself. You know what you want to do, and living a lie is only going to make it harder for you. Pretending can make things better for the time being, but once you open your eyes to reality, you realize that the pretending only made it that much worse.
I'm glad you're taking those steps. -
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I think I'm going to go to Ms. Stevens' office Tuesday during lunch or something. Maybe after I'm done with my group 4 crap. Just to talk to her about what I think.
Do you think I should show her this poem?
And I hope you know I'm here for you, too. That's not pretending at all.
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That's a good idea. Bring the poem, for sure. And if they send you anywhere, you should let them. You're begging for help, and they are giving it to you. You just have to stop resisting. Seriously.
And if you're worried about missing school....well don't be. At you're getting the group 4 done. That's probably the most important thing. School should be at the bottom of your list right now. -
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I don't think they'll send me anywhere to take me out of school. There's nothing about cutting in this, is there? oops, there's the paranoia.
I wish they'd send me somewhere other than The Centers. They think I'm just doing this for attention. (aha, the 'crampsred' in effect here!)
But if I get kicked out, it would be the death of me. You guys wouldn't be there anymore. I'm zoned for Forest, remember? -
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The Centers isn't for cutters, is it?
But if they send you anywhere, you have to let them.
I wish I could get you to understand how little school means right now! Cassie! You have a problem right now. A problem that could impact the rest of your life! And you're worried about school. You'll only miss 3-4 days. You can make that up easily. The teachers would help you. It's not like they won't let you make stuff up. And if you're worried about pre-cal, I can help you as much as you need. Seriously. Quit worrying about school. -
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The Centers is for everyone with problems. They keep the cutters and the crazy suicidal people, though. So I'm fair game.
truetruetruetruetrue
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Why don't you talk to your parents about the poem?
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Because they're asleep on the couch and they would probably yell at me for writing about sex.
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Well tomorrow...
They need to know. If you rely on the school to find you help, do you really think it's going to be good? Your parents could do a lot more. -
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No they can't. School has better resources. >_<
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but your parents could find a really good therapist or something.
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dude! you are f'ing amazing...and i need to write for this too *faints* haha
wow...i just dont know what to say except bloody brill, and i hope you dont really feel raped,
much love, Stephanie ♥
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