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[ if the first star i see-may not be a star ]

if the first star i see-may not be a star
after all-
does my wish count? [for anything]
can you still feel the butterflies?
i can hear their wingbeats, powdered tissue breaking against the bone.[my ribcage]
floating up from my stomach-
catching in my throat, muffling my voice and scratching my tonsils.
you said we can't live our whole lives out of piano ballads.
can i have one more?
for me this is heaven.
and tomorrow will be hell without you.

Please tell me what you think

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Comments

  • Kakiki
    January 18

    Edit | Reply
    i really like this, its great!


    can you still feel the butterflies? (my favorite part)

    makes me think , which is always good!!!

    i love how you tell how the butterflies travel, its really a great poem


    • Haley-baby1
      January 22
      Edit | Reply
      well thank you.
      i love butterflies.
      my inspiration was a song, "for me this is heaven" by jimmy eat world.its one of my favorites


  • loredana
    January 18
    Edit | Reply
    i like your use of parentheses. i'm struggling to come up with a piece of constructive criticism, as this poem is actually quite good. the only thing that felt a little predictable to me was the last line "and tomorrow will be hell without you." maybe that could be a bit more ambiguous?