My Confessor After All
I feel you all around me every minute, every day.
And the crux here is so cruel-
too cruel.
I know what I am;
I know the things that I've done-
and I am so afraid to reveal them to you.
But, if I knew you could hold them all
would I truly have found my soul mate?
But how do you trust your lover that much?
How do you allow yourself to be so exposed and vulnerable?
And how do you trust someone with secrets so shameful
;
secrets so dirty and oily that you want to wash them off of you
just as Lady MacBeth?
Could I ever expect to hide these terrible deeds in your mind
and not feel them burn every I touched your skin?
I'm being selfish by sharing these burdens,
by even thinking of sharing them,
but I'm so tired of carrying them alone.
When the rain falls here at night,
sometimes it beats a pattern of words into my brain-
over and over, the same words with my mother’s voice
And my grandmothers condemnation,
all reminding me of all that I am and of all that I am not.
God, it is so cruel how 5 minutes of your life
can prove everyone correct who ever doubted
your ability, your character, your kindness.
I so don’t want you to be one those judges.
But what if you are? For all we have talked about,
there is so much that we haven’t spoken of.
I can only see the beauty in me
when it’s reflected back through your eyes.
I do not think that I could live without those brief moments of hope;
without those brief moments of self-forgiveness.
Should I forfeit those small moments of relief and youth and innocence?
For honesty? Just for honesty? ?
I suppose this seems such a simple question
to those who've lived perfect lives;
for people who never had to struggle with brain or body;
for those who doubt nothing.
But there are those on the fringes,
and we live everyday high upon a tightrope.
We have to decide whether to look down at our feet
or up towards the heavens.
Looking down is terrifying, but looking up to heaven
Past the clouds and past the stars;
you can feel yourself being watched
and you Know, you just Know
is that whether falling or staying the course,
all you can do is make your best decision and hope it was the right thing.
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