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the air condition's broken.

the words released came out in whispers
gasping in the cool nights' air.
our bodies tangled in lovers heat
wrapped in sticky sheets.
there was no air conditioned rooms,
broken by our lightening sparks and heat wave.
we celebrated in the heat of passion
a hundred and one degrees above a normal relationship affair.
this wasn't a friendship, he knew
because when you end the night outside
covered in the scent of another sexes sweat.

there's nothing wrong with the air condition.
the tension just started to explode.

Any advice would be lovely?

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments


  • Writeous
    January 20

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    okay i see where your going and the concept is hot and how your going about it is good, but could i offer some stuff..

    "the words released came out [it] whispers" maybe in?..

    "was no air condition[ed] rooms."

    as far as the rest go i love...diggin' this.


  • Mistressofthedark
    January 19

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    Love love love

    "there's nothing wrong with the air condition.
    the tension just started to explode."
    Love it!!! ^