i.
I watched him
evaporate
from sepia photos
of stand-still memories
like crystals I'm not meant
to touch;
their illusions
disappear
so
fast.
ii.
The light throws shadows
in my face,
dangling insecurities
on a string full of the gaps
he couldn't fill.
iii.
we died often,
holding cancer in our breath
but we weren't contagious enough
to cure the world
of death:
a shade too cold
for blue.
But he was white -
empty on the inside
and deceptive,
as though i couldn't
handle loss
iv.
and he's right:
the rain doesn't fall,
it drowns.
Author notes
The emotional rounds 2: Grief
---
Even in the most
saddest times,
we have to fake
melancholy.
In a list
- Me gusta • next in list
- AP Book Project 2 • next in list
- brilliant poetry by my friends • next in list
A contest entry
- the emotional rounds - 3 by Ryno.
550 points, ended January 31, 7 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - bronze II by Salty Hibiscus.
525 points, ended June 11, 30 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Now you tell me:
Comments
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wonderful way to describe one feeling - just simply wonderfullll
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Too good!
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"we died often,
holding cancer in our breath
but we weren't contagious enough
to cure the world
of death:
a shade too cold
for blue."
there are no adequate words for this, and i don't think there ever will be. not sure the vignette-style spacing and numbering brought it together for me [you could possibly do without it], but i'm just being nitpicky. i thought this was amazing.
-endymion
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haha, thanks
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This is so deep i was almost crying. somethings are like that. you did an awsome job! I think i would have to say my favorite part was stanza number one it had so much emotion just like the ending. I like your comparisons to sepia pictures. I also like the way you broke it into stanzas and the way you described everything in detail.
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wow, this is really very good.
i almost wanted to tear at the eyes when it came to the ending:
"and he's right:
the rain doesn't fall,
it drowns."
deep
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A few suggestions:
"like crystals I'm not meant
to touch
because their illusions
disappear
so
fast."
-- I think with the "because" this stanza felt really run-on and I think it would flow smother if you took out because and put a comma, or took out because and gave "their illusions disappear so fast" its own stanza. I think it would flow better and even put extra emphasis on your message in this vignette.
"But he was white -"
-- I don't feel you need the word "but" especially because you used it a few lines before, so it took away from the flow a little.
I loved each and every vignette in this piece - each one added so much power to your theme... and I really felt that sense of emptiness that comes from grief itself.
Awesome imagery which really portrays your powerful emotion... awesome job.
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hmm, I changed because into a semi-colon and put a line break - it does give more emphasis.
For the next suggestion, I don't know really.
Thing is, I know what you mean by the repetition, but removing it would disrupt the transition .. and it's meant to be saying something like: he's not blue, he's white.
I don't know if I make any sense ... but that's how I pictured it.
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Judged: Adsaige
You used the sense of colors very well in this poem. There were physical elements, manifestations, that appealed strongly to me, and both made me smile at some light dashes of originality and your voice, and also concerned...There were some parts in here that could be re-worked, however, I am not in a position to offer any suggestions to that without compromised the overall voice of the poem. Which is great, because it means your voice is not one easily copied, I could try, but as usual, it would always have me in it.
One thing you have to try to keep in mind at all times is the reader is reading your poem for them. Not nessecarily for you, unless you are one of those uncanny writers with loyal readers. Also, there were parts in here that were extremely beautiful, and seemed for: "and he's right, the rain doesn't fall, it drowns," and "a shade too cold to be blue," as your central and foundation lines. That is amazing in itself to have to.
Thank you for entering. Good luck!
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good thing you got this out of that yucky EMo list *shudder*
insane people.
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Wow!
I have found a true poet! I bow down to you! you have an abosulte talent for this, and yuor medaphors and wors are brilliant! i love this! if i could give you more stars , trust me hon i would kepp up the awesome work!
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thank you
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"a shade too cold
for blue."
love that.
And the ending is awesome.
The entire poem rocks.
One small thing...in the first vignette, "so" looks kind of lonely. Maybe put it in front of "fast"?
But like i said...awesome.
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hmmm, in that area, i kind of wanted pauses between the last three words - so they were meant to be read really slowly ... if that makes any sense.
You're awesome too
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Hmmm fake melancholy? I don't know wjhy someone would want to fake sadness. I don't fake sadness. The emotion is too real for me.
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tripy... wow... i like it... i knew ther was a reason i put u on my favs. cause when ever i read one or ur poems im astonished! i love ur writeing!!!!
keep up the good work, i hope one day i can pick up a poem book and see ur name accross the front!
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I realized that even though I read this masterpiece, I didn't leave you a comment.
Well here's one now. Fuckin' AMAZING! And that,dear, comes from the heart. (and occasionally the libido) 
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hahahaha
no libido here, darling
that's already reserved
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damn this is beautiful.
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I have never come across such writing as yours. It's really refreshing and captures the reader, therefore, pulling them in just so they can read more. Awesome write!
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one of the best random reads I've come across. Loved your stanzas. simple. beautiful. tragic. Leaves me wanting more. =P
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powerful write
The whole poem is amazing, but I especially like part i.
"the rain doesn't fall, it drowns", is a very deep and well thought out end to this write.
Good luck in this contest!
Jeannette 
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breathtaking
this is truly an exceptional piece..we died often,
holding cancer in our breath
but we weren't contagious enough
to cure the world
of death:
a shade too cold
for blue....this is my favorite part of this piece i honestly look forward to more readings of yoursyou are very talented
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oh my godddd.
this was amazinggg.
You are so talented, I'm not kidding.
"we died often,
holding cancer in our breath
but we weren't contagious enough
to cure the world
of death:
a shade too cold
for blue."
I love that so much.
Great write.
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I love it!Very sad and sincere
I especially loved part ii :
Keep it up. -
sweet
i like it alot. kept it up please ^_^
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beautiful as always chandni deep, thoughtful, and i really liked the phrase "a shade too cold for blue" dont know why though lol
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Wow! Wow! Wow!
How awesome! I absolutely love the third and fourth paragraphs; "we died often,
holding cancer in our breath
but we weren't contagious enough
to cure the world
of death:
a shade too cold
for blue.
But he was white -
empty on the inside
and deceptive,
as though i couldn't
handle loss
iv.
and he's right:
the rain doesn't fall,
it drowns."
I thinkg it's soo interesting how you positioned eveything just so, and it brought it out into a whole new light! Spectacular write!!!!!
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nice..........well done chandn
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wow i put off looking at this one cuz i was busy but im glad i looked at it its amazing well done
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wow
that was incredible teach me how to write like that
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oh wow, very beautiful, such emotion! It's an amazing write! I am amazed by these words! *wishes it was in my contest* Beautifully sad write! but beautiful nevertheless
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haha, thank you
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This was beautifully sad. Raw emotion. I loved it.
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amazing piece, fun to read! I'd vote to change the last line though. and it's too far down past the rest of the poem, even if that is an interesting emphasis...
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hmm, I like it like that, though I'll ask around for a second opinion
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That is one beautiful aspect of poetry - everyone's entitled to a different opinion!
Man, you get a lot of comments on this!
To further clarify my comment: how does rain drown? Who is it drowning? Drowning out? Killing? overwhelming? hiding? what does it mean?
For it to drown someone, doesnt it have to fall first? Fall / drown aren't really exchangeable words....
hah! more crazy opinions from me! -
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yeah, so many comments because someone spotlighted it for me .. I am really happy.
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I left that open for interpretation.
Personally, I pictured it as the rain drowning into people .. or rather my character saw it like that. Other people would, for example, maybe picture it as the rain going and merging into puddles - hence drowning.
When you drown successfully, you join the dead anyway.
That's why poetry is so great - the interpretations
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Love it
Very good poem.
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wow...i'm speechless..realy nice!!
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Lovely.
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i could most certainly relate to this write. you have done a wonderful job and i agree with it being nominated for the front page. thank you for sharing this with me tonight. viyanna rosemarie
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this makes me sad. but its beautiful at the same time. great job.
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one word: WHOA~
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beautifully written. i get the feeling of grief from your poem, and very emotional. thanks for sharing your awesome work.
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This is amazingly beautiful and touching. I love it! AMAZING!
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wow
a poem very deep and very rich in meaning. nice set up too. loved the last line, loved the opening line, loved everything in between.
"we died often,
holding cancer in our breath
but we weren't contagious enough
to cure the world
of death"
-especially loved that. made me think and made me feel. great write.
[Liz<3]
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This is stunningly beautiful, though I had to lean close to my screen to read the small font. Bets of luck in the contest; this definately deserves a place.
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hold ctrl [on the keyboard] and scroll up ... the font will be bigger
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i love your tone in this poem.
your words are so vivid.
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I like the poem overall... However, I feel that if you are going to make the stanzas a run on sentence they should be the same syllable length... I would suggest on working on that... But don't change the rhythmic run on tone... i like it... Adds something to the poem that way... It just loses a sense of rhythm with the stanzas all being different length...
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if the stanzas are all the same length, then how would this be free verse?
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Free verse doesn't mean it shouldn't have rhythm...
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and it doesnt need to have same stanza lengths to have rhythm. Same stanza lengths would be a form such as a non-rhyming sonnet or quatrains.
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I'm glad this was spotlighted...you deserve it
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It doesnt rain.. it drowns
I loved it! It is so deep! keep going with it! -
"dangling insecurities
on a string full of the gaps
he couldn't fill."
Very well written. That stanza was definately my favorite. Very emotional. -
Beautiful
Very touching, lots of emotion...I enjoyed reading it
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I'm stunned! This was a wonderful, emotional poem. I love it! it was beautiful!
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beautiful....
really, its incredible.
I'm so stunned I can't even come up with decent superlatives.
-dh ♥ -
this is am amazing write. i like the way you broke up the poem with the roman numbers. great idea.
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This is utterly amazing.
I love it.. the way you worded it, the organization of it, the ending...
Hopefully you'll win the contest. =] -
prtty good
I like the crystal part. Not to touch, but to see it sounds like. Very nice work. Illusions disapear. I like this. pen to paper and your flow of words awsome.
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a very pretty metaphor...
"but we weren't contagious enough
to cure the world
of death:"
this is what I'm especially taken with.
so I say "Never Fall In Love", don't fake the melancholy. Don't subject yourself to the pain that others can cause in life...relationships. Look elsewhere...maybe within. Perhaps it is you that can make you happy. There is nothing wrong with that. Best of luck in truly finding contentment.Great write btw.
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I don't fake melancholy, i just fake the subject of it.
And I'm happy
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oh, and
congrats on the feature! Well deserved for this brilliant piece...
Lynda
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sigh~
This is so touching, so powerful in it's presentation...
I always love your work, but this one really got me...Saving to my favorite pieces....
Lynda
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thank you
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beautiful, stunningly vivid.
we died often,
holding cancer in our breath
but we weren't contagious enough
to cure the world
of death:
a shade too cold
for blue.
my favorite part
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I like it
this was an amazing write it kept my interest allthe way throughout it -
This was utterly fantastic. The words... everything, the ending was mind blowing, it was written not in a way that it had an impact but it was so softly sad at the end, and thoughtful almost. A brilliant write. Bookmarked if you don't mind, this is one of the best things ive read in a while.
Laura
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Of course I don't mind, I'm honored, in fact
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this is a very interesting poem, shows a lot of depth and emotion and really tugs at the heart strings. thanks for sharing, it was a good read
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hahahaha spotlighted! congrats :]
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[i didnt even notice till now]
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kindof confusing but really emosenal. i liked it
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wow
Great work, full of emotion, well done good write -
Outstanding my niece, just simply outstanding . .I think its time you started tutoring me.
The whole thing progresses without a fault, from the openning gambit to the final breathe.
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lol
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this is really good
so emotional
cancer is sad but brings out the best in some people, you show that they truely care and would do anything for a loved one
i love the ending, "it drowns" -
That was an amazing piece of poetry. The way you write with all the metaphors and imagery is outstanding and makes for such a pleasant read. Stanza one was my favorite, but
on a string full of the gaps
he couldn't fill
that line as well as your ending were perfect too.
"Masquerade" -
Prefection at its best! Wonderful write you have here! They say "When it rain's it pours" and your emotions pour from your heart! Best of luck... The Sun will shine upon you again! xoxo Miranda
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This is so brilliant. I don't even know what to say to you. Why have you not been published yet? [or have you?
] The last few lines of this were like a punch to the chest that I absolutely loved.
This is getting bookmarked.
♣ Tegan
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nope, i havent been published ... Haven't started looking yet.
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Argh, this was amazing. I can relate so much to it right now. You do a great job at faking it The only critique I have is to take off the italics on drowns, it hits just as hard without it, kind of make it melodramatic. Love you
Jeanette*~
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dude, i definitely felt the sadness here. it's incredible.
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This is perfectly amazing I have to say, nein errors I was amazed, so amazing this one, great job!!!!
bravo
Ax
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I'm flattered
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You make me sad In a good way I guess =/
Best of luck in the contest love.
Take care
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don't worry, it's not a true story.
That's what my author's notes mean -
Even though there is sadness, I still have to fake some emotions. -
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Still makes me sad though
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In (i) I would maybe use 'their' instead of 'these' - but its personal preference.
(iii) is absolutely breathtaking, it makes me gasp - stanza one especially.
(iv) leaves me limp.
excellent piece
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<
i took your suggestion and changed the last pat of iii.
what do you think?
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i ditto mel, very strong.
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should i be dittoing my reply to you as well?
lol
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ohhh god last line. I love the way you phrase things. I give too many cliche 'good job' comments. ah well.
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I LOVE YOUR AN. DAMN.
iii. practically had my eyes open without blinking.
It's so intense and wonderfulllllll.
"we died often, <==I particularly loved that
holding cancer in our breath
but we weren't contagious enough
to cure the world
of death:"
!!!
Damn.
Leave me amazed much. Hmm...upon rereading, 'breath' and 'death' rhyme...I have a feeling that was unintentional.
"a shade of blue
too cold to swallow."
Not sure I liked that part...I'm ambivalent, I guess.
"as though i couldn't
handle loss"
Assssssssssssss! Frickin love that.
;
Jessica
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how about now?
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