Love and Despair

As I sit here,

wondering,

how my life would have been,

before I did what I did.

What if I was successful?

What if I wasn't?

It doesn't matter now,

I already messed  up my hope,

my dreams,

of one day, becoming as good as my father.

I am being punished,

for a sin,

a sin that I can't help not to do.

An obsession,

that tears me from the world,

my dreams,

and my family.

What obsession you may ask?

Love.

Unbridled,

untamed.

Love that is hopeless,

ignored,

and longing for a purpose.

But if someone shall try to rescue me from my despair,

I won't take the bid of help,

the bid of freedom...

It may be because I am naive,

or that I'm dumb,

but I can't take trying to wear a mask,

a mask of lies,

a mask of hopelessness and despair.

The despair of love,

it's bitter-sweet taste,

it's lustful feel,

it's ability to take lives,

and of the sorrow that it brings.

But, I shall never know if this person loves me,

shall never know,

shall never know...

shall....never......know.