**Note** Please be aware, That this is a True but Graphic story. Not suitable for children.***
Was it my fault?
Did I ask for this?
I was just a kid.
I was 15. I was a stupid kid. I loved getting on the computer, going to the chat rooms, and finding guys. I had low self-esteem, I wanted to be told I was pretty. Every guy I talked to said I was hot, when the received my picture. Made me feel good inside. One day, I was talking to this guy, who was in the navy. I don't remember his screen name, but I agreed to meet him. We were going to go out to his place, to party and drink. He picked me up down the street from my house. He had a red truck, a Ford F-150. He was cute, Not the cutest, but cute nevertheless. I climbed in, trying to be cute. I got lost as he was driving, which was weird. I always had good directions sense, But I still got lost. We finally pulled into some apartments. He showed me the door, He opened it for me, like a gentlemen. I was thrilled. Walking into the apartment, I remember the living room...Something out of the 70's hit me, the neon colors, tie-dyed pictures and wall hangings. Several people were in there drinking and smoking pot. No body was even close to my age. So we sat down.
We began drinking, First they mixed me a drink, It was more alcohol then not. Then we had several shots of Jagermeister, Jack Daniel's, and Jose Cuervo. It's funny how you remember all the things that really didn't matter...They wanted me to smoke pot, and I told them I would stick to my cigarettes. It wasn't that I hadn't smoked pot before, I just hate being high. It made me sick to my stomach. The last drink was supposed to be a rum and coke, but I felt awful. I had this fear in the pit of my stomach after I drank it, (I'm not even sure if I drank the whole thing) I remember telling him to take me home, I needed to go to bed. He showed me the way to his room, half carrying me in there. He layed me on his bed then walked out of the room.
I don't know how long he was gone. But I vaguely remember the door opening, and a guy walking in. My whole world was going crazy, my vision was slanting with the light under the door, my mind was playing tricks on me. I tried again to yell at him to take me home, but I don't think the words ever left my lips.
I remember him yanking my jeans off of me, ripping my panties. I remember finally being able to say no, stop. and him saying "You know you want it, now shut the fuck up and take it" I continued trying to say stop, but again, the words froze on my lips. My mouth stopped working, He was grabbing at my breasts, I barely felt the pain as he twisted and pinched me. Then the door opened again.
I remember thanking God at that point, thinking someone was going to stop this guy. I was wrong. The new guy began taking off his pants. I don't remember being turned over, so I was on my stomach. They kept yelling at me to get on my knees, but I couldn't. I couldn't use my arms or my legs, They weren't working, otherwise I would have used them to get me out of the mess I had put myself in. The guy who was raping me began raping me anally. I tried to scream, I couldn't. I opened my mouth, trying to take a deep breath, which was hard because I couldn't feel my jaw, The guy in front of me slapped me, hard. He got down in front of me, face to face. Telling me What he was going to do. "This, (He said holding up his penis) is going to go inside of your mouth. You are going to suck it. if you bite me, Then we will drop you off at your doorstep, dead." grabbing the back of my hair, he shoved himself into my mouth, I started gagging, he was using my hair to move my head back and forth. Every time the guy behind me would move, I moved as well. They kept calling me names, some of which were "little slut, whore, bitch, Little girl thought she could play with the big boys, and got burned."
I don't remember what happened next. I don't think I even want to. The next thing I remember, I was in the red truck again, I threw up all over his truck. He threw me out of it right then. Told me to walk the rest of the way home. I was only a few blocks. it was freezing, I had left my jacket at his house. All I had on was a T-shirt and my jeans. I remember sneaking back into my moms house, going straight to the bedroom. I cried. I cried I don't know how many tears. It all kept playing back in my head, how stupid I was, for letting that happen, for putting myself in that position. How could I have done something so stupid?! How could I let a bunch of guys take advantage of me like that? I couldn't remember what happened when I blacked out, I probably never will. I got up and took a shower, the hottest I could stand. After scrubbing my body for what seems like an eternity, until I was raw. I just stood there.
That is my story. I never went to the police, I never thought they would believe me. That and the fact that it was two Navy guys, I knew that they would never catch them, and at the time, I figured the police would say I deserved it, for being so stupid. I have never gotten over it, Even though it was almost 10 years ago. I still feel as if it was my fault, That if I hadn't gotten online, to talk to people, it would have never happened. There is also rage against my mother, who never tried to do anything to stop it. She knew I was meeting people, I guess she just didn't think it could happen to her. Everyone always thinks that it can't happen to you, Always thinking your on the other side of the fence. But it can happen. You can't be on your guard twenty-four hours a day, Seven days a week, but you can learn, Knowledge is power.
I am grown now, in many ways more than others. I am 24 years old, and I have 3 kids. My oldest being my only Daughter. I can only hope, that she will listen to my experiences, and learn from them, without having to go through them herself. I will be there to protect her, as much as I can. I know she will make mistakes, we all do. Some we regret more than others. I just hope to God, that she will never go through this.... Anything...Like this.
Author notes
This is a true story, of something that happened to me when I was 15 years old.
A contest entry
- tell your story - Picture prompt by serenity silvermoon.
600 points, ended January 18, 12 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Easy as Pie by Cyanide Dreams.
3250 points, ended April 17, 132 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What do you feel when you read this?
Comments
1 - 24 of 24
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Wow! This was so incredibly intense! My experience wasn't half as bad as this but bad nonetheless. I completly understand the need to protect your daughter! I was blessed with 2 beautiful daughters and I fear for them every day as they get older! I commend you for telling your story!
~DAWN~ -
wtf
Wow, wtf? Í don't even really know what to say!!sorrys are just wҮds, it doesn't change anything in the past or future!! But In my mind/body/soul I am sorry You as a young girl had to expËrience this! Surely,You've learned from all your mistakes, Teach Your daughter to open her eyes at a tender age!! Be honest towards her about things n life!! Don't try to hide "this world" from her or she will find it in the wrong hands!!
Your right "at momments,we really don't know if the police are any help, that badge doesn't mean shit to certain ones,just gives them the upper hand to be cruel"
*Take care* I'm kinna lost for words!!
Thanks for sharing your story, I hope You can help many young women!! I hope at the end all this has made YOU a STRONGER woman!!
*Kelsi*
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Poet
this is sad. I hope it is not true. But if it is let it be a warning to all young girls. The predators are all over this I/net thing.
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How dare they! What gives these people the damned right to take liberty of the innocent? When are our police forces going to listen to those who have experienced and do something about rape? So many cases fail through no fault of the one offended and offenders walk free to live their lives whilst the innocent remember chunks of abuse throughout their lives as flashbacks because they try to forget to relieve their poisoned innocence...DATE RAPE must be committed by men who don;t fancy their chances of being accepted naturally, they must have low self confidence and in my opinion a behavioural issue, that could put their own sex lives and others at risk of harm through contact with those they barely know if at all...I can understand your pain here and think you are brave to stand up and be counted, that it might make a difference in our society in at least its warning to others. Congratulations, on braving this. I'm so very sorry you had to go through this torute and torment of abuse, no one has the right to touch someone else without them wanting to. No means no. Stop means stop. Having a drink is not a permit for sex, and more folk should think about maintaining control by not drinking/smoking and inhibiting a natural act of permitted love making...Such experience should be real and wanted to hold true feeling and emotion, without such I feel is little more than greed and self-satisfaction...It takes two committed adults in arelationship for such an act to be permissable or acceptable and we need get this message over to the youth of today that they might escape such abusive behaviour. This could have happened to anyone and was not your fault other than meeting someone on your own, and yet you did right thing by telling someone where you were going..your mum. We've all met people on our own at some point in our lives, we cannot be chapperoned to every walk of life and these perpetrators will find a way if is their intent to do so...You now hold the power of persuasion in getting your story known to help others, you are empowered from this unfortunate incident and have the strength and knowledge to do something positive from it. Your story here very believeable and a pity you did not report at the time, I would have been convinced, and dna had you been brave enough would have helped. I doubt any 15 year old girl would wish to be in such horrific circumstance let alone a woman...It is good you have been able to put this incident aside to degree you now have asupportive relationship and 3 beautiful children, you must have so much courage within, however, there must be times this needs to out, and it is never too late to talk...or se a counsellor for such circumstance for these things can come back to haunt you from time to time...Here as a friend in confidence should you ever need a good listener.... 'hug''hug''hug' 'angel'
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I am so sorry for what those assholes did to you.
I was in tears reading through this. Rapists are nothing more than pathetic cowards who think only of themselves, and their satisfaction. The cowards who put you through hell deserve to be rotting in prison for life. I know that we tend to even blame ourselves when something like this happens, as if we could have done something about it. It's human nature. I hope that these pathetic excuses for men are spending their days behind bars. I was in the Navy, and went to many parties like that, but not one of them ever included malicious crimes against another. Anyone who does this to a child, or an adult, for that matter, sickens me.
After reading through your profile page, I can tell that you have someone who truly understands what love is. He shares the best of him with you, and the two of you have three beautiful children who will grow up to be compassionate adults. When you share your experiences with them, it will help them. I shared my own experiences of child sexual abuse with my son. I was just 5 when I was repeatedly molested by my babysitters' teenage son over a period of almost three years. I only have memories of the last couple of incidents, but those that I do have, are very painful to recall. My 8 year old brother was never able to protect me. He was as terrified as I was, and I have memories of what happened in a very small bathroom while Rick's mom was out in her garden, or enthralled in her afternoon movie. Rick forced me to eat a bar of soap when I was five to wash away his stench. I've taken that experience, and it's taught me how not to treat others. I learned a lesson in compassion for others because of what I went through. What I learned is that I am a survivor. You are a survivor. God bless you for sharing this. I'm a little choked up to write at the moment. rose*
Don
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small minded weak people
if not for date rape they would never get any.
not at all your fault... and is a shame the thievery of these people... do not let it rob you too much please my dear. you are the grace and beauty of God and the mother spirit. you are perfect just as you are. always remember no matter how dark it may seem... you are a being of the light.
there are no words here to cushion the blunt trauma of such an act.
please be aware you are loved dearly by some just for being the brave soul you are.
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WoW WoW WoW
I don't know what to say honestly
Like I know every feeling you had
Not the Same situation but I know
if you'd like to read any of my work check out
http://allpoetry.com/poem/4391953
http://allpoetry.com/poem/4389690
I'd love your opinion
I like to think I pulled through strong
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Very sad, even more knowing it is a true story. No one should go through it. They're are people who think they can control or feel the need to control someone like that and it is awful. I give you major props for being able to tell your story and I am glad that you made it through it.
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very powerful i'm glad your ok
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OMG, i had to fight back the tears reading this, i can relate so much, i've been there and I wish i was the only one, no-one should ever have to go through this amount of pain, made worse by the feeling that you can't turn to anyone for help. i only hope you begin to realise this wasn't your fault, you didn't go in there asking for any of this.
well done for writting this down.
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Well, you warned us. This is a very graphic story. I really am sorry, its horrible to hear this kind of stuff. Your emotions in this are very strong and it's just, wow. It blows my mind and it makes me so angry that anyone would do this. Your imagery is very strong and I really liked how you're not afraid to open up about it. Great story here and good luck in the contest.
josh
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Wow. I've been there... I was 14, also raped anally and forced into oral sex. Also called all those names and had someone else come in while it was happening. So I know the pain and think it was very brave of you to be able to write it all down like this. I can't do that yet. I only just admitted last week that he put it in more places than I'd said before.
I hope you know now that it wasn't your fault... although I know how hard that is to believe about yourself because I still think it was my fault yet when it comes to anyone else I know that's not the case =S
This was really difficult to read.
Well done
x x x -
mom im sorry this happend to you
huggggggggggggs you tight
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Oh sweet one...I am so very sorry and just devastated to hear what you experienced. I was fighting tears as soon as i knew where it was headed, but when I actually read your description of the acts...it was too much to bear. You have an incredible heart to be willing to share what you suffered in the hopes that it might save even one from going through the same thing.
I pray that you have realized since that this was a deplorable act of depravity that these men will pay for in eternity. This was not your fault. Your foolishness was the foolishness of countless other girls, including myself, who have put themselves in compromising situations because of the desire to feel loved and wanted. It could have happened to me as easily as it did to you.
I hope your scars will someday heal...even be transformed into something beautiful to help[ others in their times of trial.
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wow very intense i love it keep up the great work..
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this was so awful what happened you and it wasnt your fault you just needed some attention and went to the wrong place to get it you were young and nieve those men are fully responsable for what they done they took full advantage of your youth and gave yo
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wow graphic and strong, its a very sad story and one well wrote, this kind of thing happens to often and the blame often lies with the victim, none of it was your fault and you have to realize this yourself and be rid of feelings of guilt, to overcome such an ordeal is hard but with a focused heart and a strong mind you can do it, be a strong woman and protect your children, i have a terrible past myself which i do talk about, abuse etc i lost my son to cancer also a few years ago, but with the fact that my life is my own i can always move on and i always eventually do, your a brave woman to tell your story in this way and i give you my love and respect
abigail
formerly
heart on sleeve
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The saddest thing is: It is not your fault. They were low life cretins. They are all over the world. It is too late and of no purpose to go over would of's, should of's and could of's. What is important is to know you are incredibly brave, amazingly strong and incredibly loving as a mother. The more your children know how valuable they are to you and how much you love them, the more self-assured they are. The less likely they are too be caught in a situation like this. You were used abused and have every right to the grief you felt. I have worked with young teenagers that suffered far less than you and didn't handle it half as well. I hope this writing has helped you distance yourself more from this event, claim more of your personnal power and make clearer how bad these men were. You were totally innocent, foolish yes, but totally innocent. My prayers for the health and well being of you and your family.
Love, Tom B.
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oh my
I had to hold back the tears as I read this. So sad. I am so sad and sorry this happened to you or any young teens this happens to. I hope you eventually got help and counseling for this.
I like this web site to help educate against this sort of thing
http://www.netsmartz.org/index.aspx
Great job. Sad story but it took courage to tell it.
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Wow, I am so sorry that this happened to you!
You were so young and still probably naive but,
I don't think that it is entirely your fault. Your parents should have tried to help you through it.
This is something that not all of us but, most of us go through in life. It's a sad reality but, unfortunately some people do not have a heart nor a conscience and supervision from their families to tell them right from wrong.
You should have reached out to someone else for help. If the person that you do reach out to doesn't do anything to help your situation then you should move onto someone else that you know you can trust. When you are taken advantage of like that, it can tear your world apart in an instant. Such trauma should never be suppressed and held onto for that long.
I am glad that you posted your story here. I wish you all the best and hope that you, your daughter, and everyone else in your family never has to go through such a terrible experience. Take care my friend and congratulations on your silver trophy for this write!
Jeremy0826
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You are brave to bring forth such a sad true story.
However, child abuse should never be tolerated in any societies. I get pissed off when they let child molesters free to walk the streets only to repeat their crimes. There are many poets on AP that has suffered from child abuse so you are not alone. The main thing to know is that is was NOT your fault in anyway. Additionally, your story may help others, so I'm glad you are brave enough to share this horrific event in your life.
Take care and stay safe
David
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This pisses me off. I don't think any worse about you, baby, but I wanna kill those navy fucks now. *hugs* I love you babe!
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Oh wow! This has me in tears for what you went through. The first thing you need to know in your heart is that in no way did you ever deserve any of this. You were a child,and those men were adults. As children we do not have the judgement abilities like adults do. In order to begin to heal you need to accept that IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT! I wish you would have felt safe to tell your mother so that those guys could have been brought to justice. That is the best thing you can do for your kids is to always let them know that no matter what, they can always come to you. I only wish you had felt that. As a mother to sons, one your age, it breaks my heart that you went through this. This is something that needs to be worked through with a counselor so you can begin to heal. I am glad you had the courage to share your story because you will help so many others in the process. I wish you healing and peace. Blessings, Patty
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Patty,
The reason I wrote this, is because I want to help others. Everyone always thinks it will never happen to them, but it can, and it does. It happened to me, and I never thought it would. I had always heard horror stories, but always thought that it didnt include me. Now I have been in one. Thankyou for all of your kind words!
Chrissy
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