You had spiders for veins
and sunsets for eyes
Two hanging limbs
snuck between my ivory ribs
I saw beauty
meshing colors of amber and ruby
time moved slowly, your eyes crept away
cobwebs replaced sunsets
veins now made of sawdust
and colored like medicine
you darkened into something
i didnt understand.
Author notes
really short i cant seem to write anthing good
=[
ignore the form please i was bored
*picture taken by me
i love sunrises doesnt really go with the poem but im putting it everywhere
aesthetic--x
In a list
A contest entry
- Give ME EMOTION by Violent Glass.
700 points, ended January 29, 101 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Summer's gone, I overslept and woke up to the chill of fall by reckless abandon.
490 points, ended January 31, 47 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What is your favorite line/part and why?
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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I'm gonna agree with motel and say the first 2 stanzas are certainly enough. very well written, I like the title =)
thanks for sharing! -
great subtle imagery ...
when I read the piece, didn't realize that there was a third stanza due to the structure. I really feel the third stanza is not needed ... the first two capture the moment in a very gentle, powerful way and there is no need for reinforcement.
understated images with much potency and depth ... like the sunrise.
thanks and good luck in the contest.
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Ooh, I loved the spiders for veins and sunsets for eyes. Gorgeous. And I liked the form. I liked the whole poem. Yay. Confetti
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Really nice subtle poem, a bit too obvious with the ending, a more metaphorical to 'you' and the not understanding would fit better with the rest of the poem and lift the piece a great deal. But the imagery here is wonderful.
My favourite parts were 'veins made of sawdust' and 'meshing colours of amber and ruby'
Beautiful write, keep up the good work =]
x-underdose-x
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Wow, I love this. The way you worded it, the flow, the form. It's perfect! I love it! Great work!
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I liked it just as it is, although it was a little confusing at first. I had to reread parts to make sure I got the point. Other than that, luved it
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this was interesting
i liked the imagery
i had to read it twice but i liked the meaning you put behind it
this was... beautiful -
ths is exceptionally beautiful.
you have a skill,a talent, a gift -whatever you want to call it - for imagery and words.
i love the last stanza, although abstract, it it full of meaning and really gave a good ole' yank on my heartstrings.
And 'I saw beauty
meshing colors of amber and ruby
time moved slowly, your eyes crepted away' is one of the most powerful pieces i've read in a while. .
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I love this. It's kind of dark and sad, but very creative and has a nice flow.
I saw beauty
meshing colors of amber and ruby
time moved slowly, your eyes crepted away
Is my favorite part. I'm not sure if "crepted" is an actual word or not though or should it be "crept" .
That stanza says to me, there's more than beauty and time dosen't stand still for it.
And to me you confirmed it with the last stanza.
I just loved it.
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I checked, "crepted" isnt a word i wasnt sure about that when i wrote it im going to change it to "crept" now thank you.
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oh my gosh this was beautiful! it completely did the title justice (LOVE deathcab=]) the last bit seemed so lonely and empty that it revolved it tragic enchantment. i wish there was more; but it's perfect as it is.
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I like it, it flowed well, The imagery is outstanding! Also, Thats a beautiful picture!
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interisting i really like it thought i love the idea of the poem great job!!! my favourite was the last verse!!! good job
oh to return the favor(as you siad you would could you read my poem take me back plz and tell me what you think) -
i loved this! like how you worded it and everything. i really like the last stanza...it protrays so much! great job
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My favorite part is the way you spaced the stanza's... what a lovely surprise to find that last stanza, a powerful ending to what was otherwise just a good poem, but not a great poem. That surprise stanza raised the level of this piece greatly ( I don't know that it would have had such a great effect had it been spaced the same as the rest of the piece... nice touch placing it so far down the page to give us time to reflect on what we had already read).
My least favorite part was the second line... two hanging limbs snuck between my ivory ribs... I am still trying hard to picture this in my mind and I just can't make the connection. Hanging limbs to me would be arms... how do arms get between ribs? I don't know, perhaps I am missing the point of that line but it just threw the poem off ( again, the last stanza saved it for me)
Having said all of the above... I did end up loving this after putting it all together and reading it as a whole. And you not only have talent as a poet, but as a photographer as well... nice pic!
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thank you
yes by limbs i meant arms and I recently heard that right above your ribs your heart is so by that line i mean the guy in the poem is getting closer to her heart I will most likely add more to this poem and try to interpret that into it or change the wording a bit.
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Um, wow, this is really really good.
"You darkened into something I didn't understand."
-Such a perfect ending.
My only problem with it was in the lines "two hanging limbs snuck between my ivory ribs." Perhaps it's just me, but the word "between" bothers me, wouldn't your skin have to be broken for anything to go between your ribs?
Do you mean "around my ribs" like during a hug?
That would make more sense to me but maybe I've got the wrong idea.
Anyways, I still love this; you're obviously talented and you've got such unique style, keep it up.
abi xxx
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I recently heard that right above your ribs your heart is so by that line i mean the guy in the poem is getting closer to her heart i dont think this poem is quite done so somewhere in the poem or authors notes ill put that.
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Your strong use of metaphor really makes the poem. It's great. I know the feeling and situation you describe all too well. Every line is awesome.
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1st- that is a very pretty picture you took, I love it
2nd - I like your poem it's really good, my fav part is
I saw beauty
meshing colors of amber and ruby
time moved slowly, your eyes crepted away
The whole poem is good but this is my favorite part, Good job! -
Wow, much technique is used in this poem! Like when I thought that the stanza right below the picture was the only stanza, but then I scrolled down to comment and I was like wow! There's more! It kind of made me think of an entree, the dinner and then the desert! Bodacious picture you got there.
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