shouting

why is it that girls are brought up to believe
they are weaker than a man
and should therefore act like it?
because i felt like that
pathetic
i let them take things from me
i could never get back
(my pride, my honor, my chastity)
and never found a voice
to protest
even though i was passed around
like a fucking collection plate
except i collected shame

at sixteen i became an addict
rolling up the universe and
smoking myself away,
writing out my own prescriptions,
or lining out wishes on
hard surfaces
snorting them up
and laying down,
numb
the dull buzz in my head was a lullaby
to make me feel less guilty about the skin hymns
i had to measure my worth in shots
and to feel powerful i cired in blood instead of tears
all the while skipping a meal or two thinking it'd make me more beautiful
although i never went to sleep
any easier
with that idea
trying to fill the clenched fist in my stomach

but things change

it began when i gained the universe
in the form of love and a boy
with dark macchiato eyes like storms
and seas
of violence
only to lose everything
it tore me to shreds but after a while i realized:
i'm still standing, right?
it didn't kill me
no one told me it was okay to be mad
and now i'm more than that
mostly because they made it my fault
the truth is i was a great girlfriend
too good for him
and i didn't do anything wrong
the truth is he was too weak and i was too strong
i realize that now
i'm strong
with him i always thought i would support his fight
without him i realize i have my own
so i will
i'm fighting
i broke the bottles,
burned the rolling papers,
flushed the pills,
shattered the mirrors,
and wrapped up my body
with bandages and pride of my size 4 jeans, proud to keep them on too
my voice is still weak but it's growing
and the first thing i will shout with it is this:
being a girl doesn't make you weak
needing someone or something else to verify you, or your beauty, or your strength, or your anything makes you weak